Gonna make a supersonic man out of you

[klena]

I'm going admit some things in this journal before I run away to top up my phone, have several panic attacks and clean my house. So, consider this a get-to-know-Kathryn entry.

Before A-Level results. I think I'm going to die before tomorrow afternoon.

Fuck.

FUCK

OK. OK! Things.


1) I am constantly terrified. Recently, I've been terrified that I disappoint people (even when they tell me I don't) and that I don't live up to their expectations of me. Therefore, I doubt myself in the most serious ways - I pretty much hate myself because I think "you could have done that better" or "if you had just worked a little harder" or "you came on too strong."
So therefore - Tomorrow is A-Level results day and Zal's arrival. Fear is driving me mad because I'm scared of disappointing both my parents (and school and family and people who have said I'll do well) and Zal by not being perfect.
I'm such a stupid bitch.

2) I am WILD affectionate. I mean that. Last night the Florida crew were here and through most of the night June, Lillybet and I constantly formed some sort of Totem where we were all wrapped around each other's legs/arms/waist etc etc. I told Zal on the phone last night that I would tackle her in the airport but I won't because I'm afraid of being too affectionate with people too quickly. Like, I could take June's hand and twine our fingers together as if it were nothing but I'm terrified to hug someone I call my sister in case I scare her or I put her off or something.

3) I know - KNOW in my heart - that tomorrow will be reassuring people that haven't done as well as I prayed they would. And I know that I'll probably be the one to sit and listen to people talk.

4) I am shaking as I write this. No point - no reason.

5) I wish I wasn't so insecure. 'Cause, fuck it, I am. Very badly insecure.

6) I feel that, by telling people this, I am laying unnecessary burdens on your shoulders and now I feel guilty. Bollocks.

7) I need to clean the house. And make plans for tomorrow and try to stay calm. Try not to die from sheer nerves.


A-Level results tomorrow. I am so close to a panic attack it's not even funny. Could I be a pain and ask for some reassurance? Even if you don't mean it. Or, just...y'know...wish me luck?

Most of you who have my number will probably be text tomorrow with the results...If that's OK with you?

-_-

Comments

[urbanelf.livejournal.com]

I'm such a wordy bith that this is in two parts.
Getting-to-know posts are always cool. Especially when written by people I've been persistantly curious about.

Panic attacks are brutal, can't say they ain't, but you gots the power against 'em, even if their specialty is making it hard to use said power.
Note to self: make post on panic attacks

1) I am constantly terrified. Recently, I've been terrified that I disappoint people (even when they tell me I don't) and that I don't live up to their expectations of me. Therefore, I doubt myself in the most serious ways - I pretty much hate myself because I think "you could have done that better" or "if you had just worked a little harder" or "you came on too strong."
So therefore - Tomorrow is A-Level results day and Zal's arrival. Fear is driving me mad because I'm scared of disappointing both my parents (and school and family and people who have said I'll do well) and Zal by not being perfect.
I'm such a stupid bitch.

Well that's a familliar refrain, at least, it has been familliar in my life. Ironically, I'm now one of the ones who are going to tell you that you're not stupid, even though I know full well that I have the same issue of being harshly critical of myself on a wide array of situations.
*grins wryly* In fact, as I write this, one of the 'reassuring' thoughts that I considered telling ya was, 'well, you can't possibly do worse than a high-school drop-out like myself. Then my filter set up to catch such things went off and is like 'Now hold on Locke, that's not actually reassuring to anyone, that's just a jab at yourself.'
*laughs*

2) I am WILD affectionate. I mean that. Last night the Florida crew were here and through most of the night June, Lillybet and I constantly formed some sort of Totem where we were all wrapped around each other's legs/arms/waist etc etc. I told Zal on the phone last night that I would tackle her in the airport but I won't because I'm afraid of being too affectionate with people too quickly. Like, I could take June's hand and twine our fingers together as if it were nothing but I'm terrified to hug someone I call my sister in case I scare her or I put her off or something.

Aww. But that's so sweet. Affection is a natural thing. Of course, here again, I speak as one of the afflicted. I don't think it's bad to be affectionate, it's just the stigmas that can be placed on it by society.
Afraid of being too affectionate too quickly. Geez. You do have similar worries to me, don't you. I worry about it too, but generally, I think that there are far worse things to be in this world than more affectionate than the societal standard.
Know that I at least will never judge you for being too affectionate.

3) I know - KNOW in my heart - that tomorrow will be reassuring people that haven't done as well as I prayed they would. And I know that I'll probably be the one to sit and listen to people talk.

Mya. Well, that is the cyclical nature of life. One comes across recurring themes, but there is never a definite omnipresent situation.

4) I am shaking as I write this. No point - no reason.

I can empathise. But an emotional response is inherently without logic. That is not to say that there is not point or reason, but there does not /have/ to be. Emotions take us whether we ask for them or not.