Gonna make a supersonic man out of you
Aug. 17th, 2005 01:37 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
klenaI'm going admit some things in this journal before I run away to top up my phone, have several panic attacks and clean my house. So, consider this a get-to-know-Kathryn entry.
Before A-Level results. I think I'm going to die before tomorrow afternoon.
Fuck.
FUCK
OK. OK! Things.
1) I am constantly terrified. Recently, I've been terrified that I disappoint people (even when they tell me I don't) and that I don't live up to their expectations of me. Therefore, I doubt myself in the most serious ways - I pretty much hate myself because I think "you could have done that better" or "if you had just worked a little harder" or "you came on too strong."
So therefore - Tomorrow is A-Level results day and Zal's arrival. Fear is driving me mad because I'm scared of disappointing both my parents (and school and family and people who have said I'll do well) and Zal by not being perfect.
I'm such a stupid bitch.
2) I am WILD affectionate. I mean that. Last night the Florida crew were here and through most of the night June, Lillybet and I constantly formed some sort of Totem where we were all wrapped around each other's legs/arms/waist etc etc. I told Zal on the phone last night that I would tackle her in the airport but I won't because I'm afraid of being too affectionate with people too quickly. Like, I could take June's hand and twine our fingers together as if it were nothing but I'm terrified to hug someone I call my sister in case I scare her or I put her off or something.
3) I know - KNOW in my heart - that tomorrow will be reassuring people that haven't done as well as I prayed they would. And I know that I'll probably be the one to sit and listen to people talk.
4) I am shaking as I write this. No point - no reason.
5) I wish I wasn't so insecure. 'Cause, fuck it, I am. Very badly insecure.
6) I feel that, by telling people this, I am laying unnecessary burdens on your shoulders and now I feel guilty. Bollocks.
7) I need to clean the house. And make plans for tomorrow and try to stay calm. Try not to die from sheer nerves.
A-Level results tomorrow. I am so close to a panic attack it's not even funny. Could I be a pain and ask for some reassurance? Even if you don't mean it. Or, just...y'know...wish me luck?
Most of you who have my number will probably be text tomorrow with the results...If that's OK with you?
-_-
Before A-Level results. I think I'm going to die before tomorrow afternoon.
Fuck.
FUCK
OK. OK! Things.
1) I am constantly terrified. Recently, I've been terrified that I disappoint people (even when they tell me I don't) and that I don't live up to their expectations of me. Therefore, I doubt myself in the most serious ways - I pretty much hate myself because I think "you could have done that better" or "if you had just worked a little harder" or "you came on too strong."
So therefore - Tomorrow is A-Level results day and Zal's arrival. Fear is driving me mad because I'm scared of disappointing both my parents (and school and family and people who have said I'll do well) and Zal by not being perfect.
I'm such a stupid bitch.
2) I am WILD affectionate. I mean that. Last night the Florida crew were here and through most of the night June, Lillybet and I constantly formed some sort of Totem where we were all wrapped around each other's legs/arms/waist etc etc. I told Zal on the phone last night that I would tackle her in the airport but I won't because I'm afraid of being too affectionate with people too quickly. Like, I could take June's hand and twine our fingers together as if it were nothing but I'm terrified to hug someone I call my sister in case I scare her or I put her off or something.
3) I know - KNOW in my heart - that tomorrow will be reassuring people that haven't done as well as I prayed they would. And I know that I'll probably be the one to sit and listen to people talk.
4) I am shaking as I write this. No point - no reason.
5) I wish I wasn't so insecure. 'Cause, fuck it, I am. Very badly insecure.
6) I feel that, by telling people this, I am laying unnecessary burdens on your shoulders and now I feel guilty. Bollocks.
7) I need to clean the house. And make plans for tomorrow and try to stay calm. Try not to die from sheer nerves.
A-Level results tomorrow. I am so close to a panic attack it's not even funny. Could I be a pain and ask for some reassurance? Even if you don't mean it. Or, just...y'know...wish me luck?
Most of you who have my number will probably be text tomorrow with the results...If that's OK with you?
-_-
