Gonna make a supersonic man out of you

[klena]

I'm going admit some things in this journal before I run away to top up my phone, have several panic attacks and clean my house. So, consider this a get-to-know-Kathryn entry.

Before A-Level results. I think I'm going to die before tomorrow afternoon.

Fuck.

FUCK

OK. OK! Things.


1) I am constantly terrified. Recently, I've been terrified that I disappoint people (even when they tell me I don't) and that I don't live up to their expectations of me. Therefore, I doubt myself in the most serious ways - I pretty much hate myself because I think "you could have done that better" or "if you had just worked a little harder" or "you came on too strong."
So therefore - Tomorrow is A-Level results day and Zal's arrival. Fear is driving me mad because I'm scared of disappointing both my parents (and school and family and people who have said I'll do well) and Zal by not being perfect.
I'm such a stupid bitch.

2) I am WILD affectionate. I mean that. Last night the Florida crew were here and through most of the night June, Lillybet and I constantly formed some sort of Totem where we were all wrapped around each other's legs/arms/waist etc etc. I told Zal on the phone last night that I would tackle her in the airport but I won't because I'm afraid of being too affectionate with people too quickly. Like, I could take June's hand and twine our fingers together as if it were nothing but I'm terrified to hug someone I call my sister in case I scare her or I put her off or something.

3) I know - KNOW in my heart - that tomorrow will be reassuring people that haven't done as well as I prayed they would. And I know that I'll probably be the one to sit and listen to people talk.

4) I am shaking as I write this. No point - no reason.

5) I wish I wasn't so insecure. 'Cause, fuck it, I am. Very badly insecure.

6) I feel that, by telling people this, I am laying unnecessary burdens on your shoulders and now I feel guilty. Bollocks.

7) I need to clean the house. And make plans for tomorrow and try to stay calm. Try not to die from sheer nerves.


A-Level results tomorrow. I am so close to a panic attack it's not even funny. Could I be a pain and ask for some reassurance? Even if you don't mean it. Or, just...y'know...wish me luck?

Most of you who have my number will probably be text tomorrow with the results...If that's OK with you?

-_-

Comments

[lipstickcat.livejournal.com]

All I can do at this point is offer you cyber hugs, and be glad that its been years since I took my A-levels. I know its a bit too late now, but a few days before our results me and a group of friends took off on a road trip to Derbyshire to go camping, and then spent a day at a theme park on the way home, so it wasn't until the morning of the results that panick set in for me. Try to find something to distract you, because what is done is done and will be, and you shouldn't worry about it until you get the results. That said, I know you're still worried, because I would be too.

Tell me your results and where you're going next (year out? uni? if so which?) as soon as you know.

*squeezes*

[trowicia.livejournal.com]

::hugs:: and ♥~!!

I'm sure things will turn out fine. I know it's not much, but you have my reassurance and support. And I sincerely do mean that.

[whitehaiku.livejournal.com]

Kaygirl.

You're lovely.

<3

[urbanelf.livejournal.com]

I'm such a wordy bith that this is in two parts.
Getting-to-know posts are always cool. Especially when written by people I've been persistantly curious about.

Panic attacks are brutal, can't say they ain't, but you gots the power against 'em, even if their specialty is making it hard to use said power.
Note to self: make post on panic attacks

1) I am constantly terrified. Recently, I've been terrified that I disappoint people (even when they tell me I don't) and that I don't live up to their expectations of me. Therefore, I doubt myself in the most serious ways - I pretty much hate myself because I think "you could have done that better" or "if you had just worked a little harder" or "you came on too strong."
So therefore - Tomorrow is A-Level results day and Zal's arrival. Fear is driving me mad because I'm scared of disappointing both my parents (and school and family and people who have said I'll do well) and Zal by not being perfect.
I'm such a stupid bitch.

Well that's a familliar refrain, at least, it has been familliar in my life. Ironically, I'm now one of the ones who are going to tell you that you're not stupid, even though I know full well that I have the same issue of being harshly critical of myself on a wide array of situations.
*grins wryly* In fact, as I write this, one of the 'reassuring' thoughts that I considered telling ya was, 'well, you can't possibly do worse than a high-school drop-out like myself. Then my filter set up to catch such things went off and is like 'Now hold on Locke, that's not actually reassuring to anyone, that's just a jab at yourself.'
*laughs*

2) I am WILD affectionate. I mean that. Last night the Florida crew were here and through most of the night June, Lillybet and I constantly formed some sort of Totem where we were all wrapped around each other's legs/arms/waist etc etc. I told Zal on the phone last night that I would tackle her in the airport but I won't because I'm afraid of being too affectionate with people too quickly. Like, I could take June's hand and twine our fingers together as if it were nothing but I'm terrified to hug someone I call my sister in case I scare her or I put her off or something.

Aww. But that's so sweet. Affection is a natural thing. Of course, here again, I speak as one of the afflicted. I don't think it's bad to be affectionate, it's just the stigmas that can be placed on it by society.
Afraid of being too affectionate too quickly. Geez. You do have similar worries to me, don't you. I worry about it too, but generally, I think that there are far worse things to be in this world than more affectionate than the societal standard.
Know that I at least will never judge you for being too affectionate.

3) I know - KNOW in my heart - that tomorrow will be reassuring people that haven't done as well as I prayed they would. And I know that I'll probably be the one to sit and listen to people talk.

Mya. Well, that is the cyclical nature of life. One comes across recurring themes, but there is never a definite omnipresent situation.

4) I am shaking as I write this. No point - no reason.

I can empathise. But an emotional response is inherently without logic. That is not to say that there is not point or reason, but there does not /have/ to be. Emotions take us whether we ask for them or not.

[urbanelf.livejournal.com]

5) I wish I wasn't so insecure. 'Cause, fuck it, I am. Very badly insecure.

If it isn't too much to talk about, what are you insecure about? By your own admission of philosophy, you see that even when things fall apart, the chance to rebuild is a rebirth of self. There are things that I have found to be eternal, even amidst the disarray of my lives; in particular, I have found that when my love has gone out to someone, it will forever beat in my heart, the memory, the thought, and the love of them. I have not always had a temple to myself in my heart. but I have had temples to those close to me. I have, by necessity, built one for myself, but it is still undeveloped compared even to say, the temple for you.
The temple that is in me for you, and likewise for all others who I have come to find dear to me, it is eternal, and thus my love is eternal; no matter how much I lose faith in myself, or how frustrated or hard to communicate with I can get in the depths of my issues, I do not stop loving.
But my own temple is cracked and battle worn, stained by the karma of wars and self-destruction.

I guess that loving onesself is said to help, and what I have found has shown that it is effective for me.
I hope that you can feel well. I hope and send my vibes for you. You are beloved, at least by me, unconditionally. I hope that the sentiment may help you. (And then, to take it back to earlier thoughts, I acknowledge my thought process that worries about whether being too affectionate, even verbally, might not affect how someone I care about feels towards me. I find acknowledging them helps to underscore their illogicality, and helps me deal with them)

6) I feel that, by telling people this, I am laying unnecessary burdens on your shoulders and now I feel guilty. Bollocks.

No burden on me, I'm more than willing to listen to absolutely anything you care to say, be it of light or heavy heart, of little import, or of great import. I guess that's part of how I feel.

7) I need to clean the house. And make plans for tomorrow and try to stay calm. Try not to die from sheer nerves.

Don't die. Be well. You is loved. You is woderful and wonderful. Love. No matter what.

A-Level results tomorrow. I am so close to a panic attack it's not even funny. Could I be a pain and ask for some reassurance? Even if you don't mean it. Or, just...y'know...wish me luck?

*offers hugs and finger-intertwine-age* You are a beloved individual, Kayachen (new nickname, cause I say =P~)
You are most certainly wished as much luck as possible, and needn't have asked, (even though the ask was not minded at all, I woulda wished you luck all the same ^^; )
But that doesn't make you a pain as far as I'm concerned. I mean you could be a pain in theory, but even if you were, as I've stated before, you'd still not change how I feel 'bout ya. Because this is the way I am, sometimes I have trouble comprehending why it isn't that way for other peolpe...
Regardless.
*dances a dance of purple soothing vibes of wellness, concentrated on the calm serenity that can conquer panic, the elated state that can overtake the same chemical occurence, a panic attack, and turn it to emotions that do not wreck so heavily.*

Queen - Don't Stop Me Now

[urbanelf.livejournal.com]

I remember this song, I can't believe I didn't notice that until the third reading of the post, after I commented already =P~

[marlinkhylacat]

You and Tro and I share the same brain, I am afraid, my love. But that just means we understand one another and can all work together to get through it!

[marlinkhylacat]

And give Zal many many glomps from me when it's all good and comfortable! I always feel kinda bad she got shut out when I had to lock my journal to Friends-only 'cause of the stupid stalkers. =^^;=

[marlinkhylacat]

I always feel kinda bad she got shut out when I had to lock my journal to Friends-only

*LOL* Anyone else amused this makes it look like I'm saying she's NOT a friend? Way to go on naming sequences, LiveJournal. XD

[waxrose.livejournal.com]

*pets you*

What exactly are A-levels?