klena: (Default)
My life, the past week or so, and the reason for radio silence.

this happened )

In other news, why haven't my tweets been shipped over? Bizarre
klena: (but when the sun shines again)
Finally got all my results for my degree.

60 - Modern Literature
63 - Stories of the Eye
64 - John Milton
65 - Shakespeare
68 - Literature of the 1890s
70 - Narratives of Japanese modernity.

I scored nothing less than a 2:1 in any of my modules this year. It's such a change from last year when half my marks were 2:1s and the rest were lower.

I've got all my degree marks. I won't sit another undergraduate exam again. And this year, I was shit hot at my degree. I cried, I raged, I spent nights in the library reading but I did it. I got the degree classification I wanted.

I never would have done it without Dave, or my family, or my friends keeping me sane or letting me go insane for little bursts.

I managed it. I did it. I got a degree in English from the one of the top English departments in the country. And I am fucking proud of it.
klena: (used to be the right one)
I have my Shakespeare exam on Tuesday and I am currently failing at studying.

I don't know how to study for this exam. The last Shakespeare exam I studied for was my A-Level "King Lear" exam and that was easy because we're studied one play for a semester, so the play was solid in my head, all I needed to learn was quotes.

I don't know about this exam. We have 3hrs 15 minutes to write 3 essay answers. 1 is an extract question and the other 2 are wider essays questions. Including the extract question, I have to write on 4 plays.

I feel like I don't know what to write about. The plays I've chosen to revise (because studying all 8 was never going to happen), I'm uncertain about. What if I get questions where I can't link two of the plays together? What if all the little bits and pieces I know about Shakespeare and the other plays I won't be revising won't be enough to save me?

I'm stressed, but not in a good way. I am procastinating, spending my time on the internet, not doing anything productive. I feel sad and disconnected from everything. I feel like I don't have anyone right now. I feel like the people I call my friends, that I am a bother to them. Dave is away to see his family this weekend and there's some serious stuff going on there. I don't want to be the pathetic girl who needs her head patted and loved and reassured. But I am, at least at the minute.

I'm supposed to be going out tonight with all my house and our friends because it is Leah and Becky's joint-birthday celebration, but I can't muster the energy for it. I haven't even been able to drag myself to the shower and I've been awake for 4 hours.

I feel out of the world. And I don't know what to do.

I need to shower and revise and put on clean clothes. Let's see if I can manage that
klena: (never compromise)
Today I am supposed to be at 1998 words in my second essay and i'm not. i'm at 970 words and i don't know what i can do. this essay isn't right, i feel like i don't know what i'm writing and the argument isn't right and i can't write 4000 words of this essay. i don't even know what to say.

and i broke my bed, so i'm probably going to have to pay for repairs to that because the headboard's been creaking all year and now, NOW, it decides to snap and break and fuck.

it's my last week of university and i feel nothing but tired and old and drained. i feel like i've got nothing left and i want to curl up in my bed and cry and cry and cry.

fuck
klena: (girl anachronism)
We, as in Sheaf house, have had our internet and phone cut off. This sounds awful - AND IT IS - but since we technically haven't been paying for internet this past 8 months, I feel like a shitty person complaining. Free internet and phone! It's raised a fuckton of issues for us regarding getting/renewing our contract (stupid 12 month contract bollocks) but maybe it's a blessing in disguise considering this is the beginning of my last 2 weeks of classes plus my self-assigned Essay Weeks.

True fact though: I was a little upset at the thought that I might not reach the end of the month without posting again, especially with my Twitter account. I want a full month of updates! How sad is that?

However, the issue now is that I live in the library for these few weeks and the library has the internet. I've just checked Facebook, Twitter and Livejournal. It's taken me 1hr 22 minutes and I have a fuckton of tabs open. faaaaaiiiiilllll.

Although my target for my essay writing today is 666 words. I feel this is totally manageable! The issue is just getting started!

I was going to start at 11 but now I'm realising that I've been awake 2 1/2 hours and have only had water. I think it'd make sense to go grab some breakfast/lunch before trying to write. Otherwise I might just fall asleep at the keyboard.

Which would be bad!

I also wish to let people know that it was my 1 year (non)anniversary with Dave yesterday and we went out for dinner. Except I dolled myself up and wore some nice shoes but walked to meet him. I have 5 plasters on my feet now due to skin being rubbed raw. Sexy. Although it did provoke comedy value on the way home as I paced along in my bare feet after dinner because my plasters kept being rubbed off by the shoes. It also lead to impromptu piggybacks ♥

I also found out a little more about Us during dinner. I assumed I was just a booty call for him, and was surprisingly okay with that! Sort of. But he felt the same. After I left that first Sunday, he said he had no clue what was going on. He thought it might have just been a booty call for me too, but he also thought it wasn't just sex. Which was awesome to hear! It made me smile :)

It is also making me procastinate. Lazy Nirish! I am going to buy my brunch and then eat it and then write until 4 and then go to my lecture and then write some more. Plan? Plan.
klena: (storm in the form of a girl)
So most of my LJ update page is being taken up with my Twitter-updates. I realise that must be really annoying for people to read. Sorry :/ However, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to stick with it for at least a little bit longer. (the page being made of Tweets, rather than genuine LJ posts) And why so?

Because....

I have now entered the Final Stages of my degree. Literally, it (should) be all engines go now, as I have less than 4 weeks before my degree is over. I finish on the 18th of May. That's less than a month from now.

In the interim of this month, I have to
- make sure all the research is done for my two essays
- finish reading "iHenryIV" for class tomorrow
- read "Austerlitz" (and nobody tell me about it!!)
- read "King Lear"
- do a mini-presentation on "King Lear"
- read "Samson Agonistes" for Milton
- plus more "Paradise Lost" for Milton seminar (and my essay)
- ...and "Paradise Regained" for class (and my essay)
- attend 4 more lectures on Shakespeare
- meet with my tutors to discuss my essays
- write a 4000 word essay on "Paradise Lost" - God and Satan
- write a 4000 word essay on a topic of my chosing for "Stories of the Eye" (most likely sexual desire and male anxiety of the female I think? Fuck fuck fuck!!)
- tweak said essays and make sure they are not complete bollocks
- hand in essays
- reread all my Shakespeare plays and highlight quotes to write and learn
- learn quotes
- attend 3hr15mns exam on Shakespeare

And then promptly die.

PLUS!!!

This list is only my academic list. Obviously it is the most important list of all lists ever yet there are still other important things to fit it as well such as:
- Housemate Hannah's birthday on Saturday
- My 1-year-(non)-anniversary with Dave on Sunday (OH MY FUCKING GOD *____*)
- The East Asian Ball (with my housemates and friends \o\ - fancy dresses and shit!!)

So, in other words, I am sorta kinda fucked. So fucked I have broken my life down into a timetable



See?

I'll give you a moment just to appreciate my organisation and bask in awe of my awesome procastination skills.

Ultimately I'm announcing a mini-haitus I guess? Understandably I hope. Not that you'll even notice I'm gone! I am not much of an internet presence anymore (woe and betide ;_;). But any spare thoughts of good, positive karma, psychic energy, internet hugs and reassurance would be so fucking massively loved upon, if you could spare it?

I've worked 3 years to get here. I want to leave my degree with (hopefully) a 2:1. I want to make my family proud. I want to do myself proud.

So! I'll still be checking LJ (because I can't keep myself away, no matter what the deadline, as January proved orz) but if I'm on MSN or AIM or Twitter, be nice to me? I feel like I should be having a breakdown now so I'm sort of resigned and waiting. I am a paragon of positive thoughts.

♥ ♥ ♥ you all fucktons. Metric fucktons even. Wish me well! Think of me, message me, text me, email me. You just might save my sanity. I'll be thinking (sporadically!) of you.
klena: (boy/boy melodrama)
(This entry is largely powered by my desire to finally master embedding links into journal entries.)

I've not long finished reading a fantastic story by [livejournal.com profile] mimblexwimble called "Ten Thousand Miles" and, as I mentioned on Twitter, it's amazing. It's heartbreaking and about the reality of when someone just...vanishes. And, if you choose to read it, it will break your heart. I sobbed. Big tears running down my face, sniffling, head feeling like a vice with the restraining of aforementioned big tears. But it's worth it. I wouldn't rec it otherwise.

The synopsis: This isn’t a story with a deeper meaning. There is no moral at the end. On December 28th, 2007, Sam Winchester walked out of the motel room he was sharing with his brother and never came back. This is the story of what happened after.

I have been in a ridiculous "Supernatural" mood the past few days. I've always loved the show, but after watching "Changing Channels" and "The Real Ghostbusters" , my mind has been completely located there. And I've never been so focused on the race/gender fail of the show as some other people I know have been. I mean, yes, it is there (especially with Agent Henriksen) but when I watch my show, I watch the show. I might have thinky-thoughts after, but I'm not critiquing it as I watch. That's just the way I roll.

In conclusion (without spoilers), parodies of T.V shows, angels and Chuck make me a very happy girl. As does the acting of the show (I'm thinking of "Changing Channels" here)

Also! In a further attempt to give something back to my ridiculously awesome f-list, here is some Florence + The Machine. It makes me want to be at a bonfire under a midsummer midnight sky, singing and barefoot and feeling as wide and as small as the universe. Cosmic Love


I failed at finishing Nietzsche today. But I did get my hair done. And text-talk to Dave. And freak out about life before getting cuddles from mum. I feel I should probably sleep now

[edit] BUT NOT BEFORE A TRIUMPHANT FIST-PUMP, AWWWWWYEAH WORKING LINKS! \o\ \o/ /o/ \o/ \o\ \o/ /o/ \o/  \o\ \o/ /o/
klena: (knowledge does not fade or wear away)
Important List of University Study To Be Done At Nirish Base

- Rewrite Milton notes
- Rewrite Shakespeare notes (also downloading "Richard III" lecture I didn't listen in)
- Rewrite "Stories of the Eye" notes
- Reread "Othello"
- Reread "The Merchant of Venice"
- Reread "As You Like It"
- Reread "The Winter's Tale"
- Reread "Richard III"
- Reread "Titus Andronicus"
- Reread "The Birth of Tragedy" - Nietzsche
- Read more of "Paradise Lost"
- Read "Henry IV Part 1"
- Read "The Doctrine and Discipline of Divorce" - Milton
- Plan Milton essay: God is wrong and Satan is misguided because God is wrong
- Plan "Stories of the Eye" essay: ???? The problems and anxiety of the male gaze
- Critical reading: Milton and Satan
klena: (Default)
Today's list:
- Go to Milton seminar
- Talk about Areopagitica and Tenure of Kings without whining about the text and Milton's flagrant overuse of ; and , Full stops are your friend Milton.
- Go to Library
- Start Milton essay on Satan
- Go to Stories of the Eye seminar on James Joyce at 4
- Buy dinner from Sesame as encouragement to write
- Write Milton essay
- Come home about ?10 ?11 11.30, aw yeah
- (Watch "Shameless") (Too late :( )
- (Write ideas for Stories essay)
- Bed

Tomorrow
- Go to 9am Nietzsche lecture
- Go to library and start reading for Stories essay (sort of but not)
- Shakespeare lecture at 12
- Go to library for an hour and try to write
- Stories of the Eye movie showing, 2-5
- Buy dinner (or eat pre-made dinner?)
- Go to library
- Write like fuck
- Come home
- Tea myself up
- (Essay finish)
- Read over essays so they are not bollocks
- Bed

Thursday
- Get up before 10
- Write bibligraphies for essays (it is just the way I roll, there is no excuse for it)
- Print essays at uni
- Hand in essays
- Cry in relief a little bit
- Go to 1pm Stories class on movies viewed on Wednesday
- Go to Lounge and start reading Titus Andronicus
- Come out for animesoc//dinner at Leah's - she has a cat!!
- (?Go out late for animesoc?)
- Enjoy alcohol
- Have fun

Friday
- Shakespeare seminar at 11
- Come home and try not to fall asleep
- (Story boards for zombie!manga?)
- Try to make plans with Dave
- ?????
- Profit
klena: (knowledge does not fade or wear away)
Gagh, body, why you gotta be hating on me? You have been very lovely to me today and I highly appreciate that (including the constant energy, although maybe that's just what sunlight does to me - HI SUN, SHINE ON MEEEEEEEE~~~~). HOWEVER! Yesterday was NOT ON, fever and killer cramps and migraine and feeling pitiful. And Dave saw me being all PMS-y and feeling horrible! Do not like. Although he was really good about it :) Well, after the mockery ♥

I HAVE SO MUCH WORK TO DO THIS WEEK, FUCK.

I emailed my tutor to say I wouldn't be in today's Milton seminar because I was crap and passed out at Dave's last night when I meant to go home and do my homework and I didn't want to turn up to his class without having done my work and avoid talking all class because that is just shit of me. Although I didn't say that in the email. I told him I'd been ill yesterday (which was true, fucking migraine and fever. I could not stop fluctuating between being too hot or too cool) and wasn't feeling great today either (which was a white lie...okay it was a lie DON'T JUDGE ME, IT WAS FOR GOOD REASONS!). So I'm going to tomorrow's class instead which destroys my day off, but I also have a rescheduled "Stories of the Eye" class as well.

All this would be fine if I didn't have two 1700 words essays for Thursday. 3200 words! Bastards. It's my own fault for leaving it so late but it's really hard starting work early! I need pressure! Although, generally when pressure starts, my body decides it is the perfect time for sleeps. Oh what's that? Book to read for tomorrow and present to the class? I'll just get myself settled anzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Which is exactly what my body is trying to do to me now. Bad show, old boy.

I wish I didn't get so wound up about the work either. I mean, these are unassessed essays! As long as I hand them in, none of the marks go towards my final grade, but handing them in is the most important part because otherwise they don't let you pass the module without anything higher than a 40 mark (basic Pass). I cannot let such things happen.

So. Two essays. One will be on Satan and the other will be on....something. "Stories of the Eye" is really worrying me because a) I haven't done that much research yet and b) it is more theoretical and exploring visual representation in literature. And that is HARD, okay, the classes are really intense and intellectual and AWESOME but HARD. So. Mild panic.

Normally I would just leave all the work until the night before but I cannot write two essays in one night, I am NOT ALLOWING MYSELF TO DO THAT (do you hear me brain?). Because I will have a mental breakdown and probably hyperventilate and cry or some shit. BAD TIMES (do you hear me brain?)

Also, we have to read "Titus Andronicus" for Friday's Shakespeare class. Which I am okay about (sort of, I may have nightmares about all the violence and rape and mutilation) but it's at the end of the week and I will probably be dying. (Because I also plan on celebrating essay hand-ins by ACTUALLY GOING TO ANIMESOC ON THURSDAY. Shocking, I know) Not because I'm hungover, but because I'm tired. I got Dave to download the Julie Taymore movie from 1999. A clip of it was shown today in our lecture. It looks like an awesome adaptation. But, y'know, ultimately horrifying. Damn you Shakespeare!

So it is a long week! And because I am currently suffering the trials of womanhood (and isn't that nicer than saying 'on the rag'), I'm extra sensitive and moany and bollocks. However, getting through this week will lead into a) time with Dave b)the last week of term before Easter c) St. Patrick's Day and d) The Skin Two Fetish Ball or Wendyhouse. This week is the war before the peace.

I can get through this. Then I have a month to relax and catch up on work and legitimately veg out.

Dave has also been expanding on my miserable movie education, bless his heart. For those not in the know, my movie experiences are woeful. All those amazing movies that everyone cries out that you need to see? I've seen 20 minutes of. Or the last half. Or bits and pieces of, as I flicked through channels. In the last 5 days or so, I have watched "The Hurt Locker", "Pulp Fiction", "Lucky Number Slevin", "Eurotrip", "The Crazies" and maybe something else....Maybe it was more "Viva La Bam", we have been ploughing through that. But in conclusion, I need to watch more movies. Or actually watch all of them.

My plan now is to get into some hella comfy sweats, grab my Milton homework, switch Titus on and go to sleep early. Gotta work! Gotta feel the burn!
klena: (knowledge does not fade or wear away)
Results from my exams in January have all come through.
Narratives of Japanese Modernity: 70
Literature of the 1890s: 68
Modern Literature: 60
An small explanation of the UK university system. 90 is the highest mark you can get, which is marked as an Exceptional First, 40 is the minimum Pass mark and the grade boundaries therefore stretch as such:
Exceptional First
First
2:1 (High, Marginal, Borderline)
2:2 (High, Marginal, Borderline)
Third (High, Marginal)
Bare Pass
Marginal Fail
Fail.

With all the faffery of last year, I finished the year with 3 2:1 grades, 2 2:2 grades and a High Third. One of the 2:2's was a module I was trying to write essays during a black patch of depression and the Third was the Shieldmaidens module which I never really wanted to do, but had to and try and pass with only a few weeks to catch up on a semester's worth of bunking.

So for me to complete my first semester of Final Year with 2 2:1's and a First is amazing to me.

Granted, my studying this far this semester has slipped because of February Blues and etc etc but it makes me think I might be able to achieve a 2:1 degree. Which would be amazing.

Currently, I am very sleepy as I spent the past 2 nights at Dave's. Wednesday I came down after a Nando's dinner and seeing "The Princess and the Frog" with Leah and Hannah and we fucking loved it. Disney, oh Disney. So Wednesday night was okay but Thursday I had an essay due in for today at 11am so that had to be written. Yesterday was spent before my laptop, in Dave's bed, attempting to construct something that had a semblance of order to it. Although, considering I was aiming at writing about 1200 words, managing to hit the 1700 word target pleased me greatly. But because of the secondary reading I had to do before I could write the essay, I didn't write a word until 6-7pm. I was finished at 2:30am but Dave and I lay in bed watching Nip/Tuck and stuff so it was definitely after 4:30 when I went to sleep. Then I had to get up at 10am to buy "As You Like It" and come to my seminar and make some vague sense.

Seminar was pretty fun though, we discussed genitalia in Shakespeare, gender boundaries, meta-theatre, Scandanavians being horny because it's dark so much of the year, Spring being sexy and Greek pedophiles (my seminar tutors term, not mine). So I managed to work my way through it all.

Came home, ate, and now am finished folding clothes from Monday before I pull myself together and head down to Dave's again. We have a Date Night ahead of us.

I feel I should also mention that I feel sort of ostracised from a lot of people for a lot of reasons, but not knowing what to do. I'm trying to finish my degree which means that my time for recreation has been cut down and also, my temper has frayed quite a bit recently. I'm abrasive and it's really fucking obvious when I'm unimpressed with people because my face is expressive and I hate feeling like I'm the one bringing bad vibes to a group. But it's the way I am at the minute. I'm prickly and horrible and grumpy and I can't promise to be better.

But I can tell you that I feel like shit.
klena: (intellectual)
Things feel strange inside myself again. Or maybe not strange inside, but definitely just above the skin. Hovering.

I hate the late nights. Before bed when my soul is glistening with the desire of being reforged anew, that tomorrow things are gonna be different and I'm gonna be so productive and I'm gonna be who I feel I might be in the shadow of my mind. The possibility, the hope, the tingle of excitement.

I hate the days. Throwing myself out of bed to switch off alarms and crawl back under covers, warmth, security, where I can be nothing and easy. Curling up and falling back into a world where I don't have to be. Then the lethargy of the day. Rushing about, feeling unprepared, no lunch made, forgetting something (a book, to wash my hair, to make lunch, to brush my teeth).

Lessons that spark something for minutes. Ideas that are bright in my mind, and new, and exciting. But then today, I felt snappish (the girl I sat beside starting raising hackles even though I quite like her) and didn't feel like being social, being in the environment. And I came home and did nothing and napped in the evening and worked for a small bit when all the housemates stopped watching TV.

My desire is gone. I have an essay for next Friday I haven't even considered, segements of Paradise Lost to read for Monday, Shakespeare to read for Friday, Freud to read by tomorrow and I don't care. I have two essays in two weeks after Shakespeare. And I have no impetus. My drive is practically non-existent and that terrifies me, because that might meant the depression is back. And I know it probably isn't (because it's not really something that goes away, it just...stops being so prominant in your life), that my fears are probably just the season's change and a malaise of the end of university and some illness that hasn't hit me yet but just lingers and I. I worry.

I want to work. I want to read my texts and secondary reading and enjoy it. I don't want university to be over. But I don't want to keep feeling like this.
klena: (like the blade you stain)
This is a grumpy!kat entry, wherein I am certain I am going to feel sorry for myself.

Before all that though. In case you hadn't heard, Saints won the Super Bowl WHO DAT. Taylor, a mate from animesoc, streamed the whole thing from his laptop to his TV and drank over the course of the night. It ended about 5am here. Uni on Monday was a particularly unpleasant experience from what he tells me. Poor lad. I didn't watch the game but my thoughts were there, especially considering the joy it's caused [livejournal.com profile] blondiusmaximus

whiny whine mope feeling sorry for self nonsense )

To conclude: gripe, whinge, grumble, sour face.

Although, [livejournal.com profile] hartclanpaladin, I got your lovely letter yesterday. the teabag has not been employed yet, but it will be. Thank you so much ♥

Anyone else want to get in on the grumbles? Or the hug times. Because I am all about the hugs? Hugs?
klena: (inherently ridiculous)
hahahaha, I swore that line was "cause I keep fighting wolves at night". Apparently not.

I am trying to do my Shakespeare homework for Friday so Dave doesn't kill me when I have to do it on Thursday night/Friday morning. However, the homework is pretty much
1. Read "Othello" (i really should get on that)
2. Put together my own annotated bibliography on Shakespeare.

....turns out a lot of fucking people have written on Shakespeare. a lot of fucking people, writing a lot of fucking stuff. interesting sounding stuff.

damn you shakespeare!!

in other news, can we talk about the line "i'm like a virgin losing a child". how awesome is that line? how much does that say to you?
klena: (Default)
I want to blog about Fall Out Boy very probably being over and about university and about thinky-thoughts that I have been having and someone I don't miss at all but unfortunately I faffed too much before my lecture so I'm just going to post poetry before I go to my Shakespeare lecture in 40 minutes.

This is beautiful. Please read it.

"Other Lives and Dimensions and Finally a Love Poem" by Bob Hicock

My left hand will live longer than my right. The rivers
of my palms tell me so.
Never argue with rivers. Never expect your lives to finish
at the same time. I think

praying, I think clapping is how hands mourn. I think
staying up and waiting
for paintings to sigh is science. In another dimension this
is exactly what’s happening,

it’s what they write grants about: the chromodynamics
of mournful Whistlers,
the audible sorrow and beta decay of “Old Battersea Bridge.”
I like the idea of different

theres and elsewheres, an Idaho known for bluegrass,
a Bronx where people talk
like violets smell. Perhaps I am somewhere patient, somehow
kind, perhaps in the nook

of a cousin universe I’ve never defiled or betrayed
anyone. Here I have
two hands and they are vanishing, the hollow of your back
to rest my cheek against,

your voice and little else but my assiduous fear to cherish.
My hands are webbed
like the wind-torn work of a spider, like they squeezed
something in the womb

but couldn’t hang on. One of those other worlds
or a life I felt
passing through mine, or the ocean inside my mother’s belly
she had to scream out.

Here when I say “I never want to be without you,”
somewhere else I am saying
“I never want to be without you again.” And when I touch you
in each of the places we meet

in all of the lives we are, it’s with hands that are dying
and resurrected.
When I don’t touch you it’s a mistake in any life,
in each place and forever.
klena: (Default)
So far, this past week I have not been able to sleep any earlier than 3am in the morning. And whilst I don't mind that so much during Lecture Week, when I have fuckall classes, it is going to present a problem when I have classes before 12pm next week. Body, sort it out.

The worst part is, I get really tired about 10pm but every night there has been something to prevent me from getting into bed, be it people in the house, phonecalls from parents or just random life-wank cropping up.

I have the second episode of "Nobuta wo Produce" buffered though. I am about to try and sleep to that.

Money is still an issue. Despite my plan to be a massive Sheaf House slob today, the printer not working pretty much cock-blocked me from my pajamas plan (stupid house printer) thus making me head into uni to get some printouts. Which also meant I realised that I needed to buy my books for my John Milton seminar on Monday. Half of next week's budget just vanished. I have also spend, I would estimate, over £200 on books between this semester and last. This takes into account the £30 worth of book vouchers I received for Christmas but does not take into account the Shakespeare books that have not yet been bought. ;____;

I am following on my mum's suggestion to write to my uncle for the money. It's so stupid, if I'd had an extra £100 in my budget, I wouldn't be stressing so much. Or if I had an overdraft. Or had a card with which to buy books online where they are cheaper. Stupid money spiral.

I am not as bitter as one might thing about all this. Just...quietly resigned to all this. It's my fault I'm in debt and can't pay it, so it's my fault that I can't get an overdraft, so my current financial situation is my own problem. It does not mean that I am happy (or quiet) about it. :|

Took a look at my seminar prep for Monday. Which consists of the title "The Role of the Poet", 13 poets and 26 lines of "Paradise Lost". Surely there must be more prep than that? Some guided seminar questions? No. Thanks Milton. You are already becoming a massive pain in my ass, I didn't even want to study you. I don't even really remember studying you last year except to remark in a seminar that I wanted to "punch God in the face". Goddamn.

Lunch with Dave tomorrow. He's trying sushi for the first time. I wish I was panicking less. Worried I'm just going to see him and explode. Worried I'm just going to say nothing. Worried that I'm going to find things are different. Worried I'm going to be happy.
klena: (storm in the form of a girl)
New icon post primarily. Lyn-Z is one of my girl-idols.

Strange interim place currently. Dave and I aren't talking or even texting because I'm pissed at him for letting me down after exams finished and he...well, I can only speculate as to why he hasn't been in contact. He's forgotten about me (in the way that things slip his mind regularly), he's focused on work, he hasn't thought about me. Speculation but feels like there's flecks of truth there. And that's hard.

I don't want things to be over with him but I haven't seen him in a week and haven't spoken to him in 6 days. And I know that's not long but when you live in the same city, it's hurtful. So I've raged and been down and cried about him but now I'm just nowhere.

When I'm trying to sleep, I think about us and my heart drops to my stomach but only when I'm alone in bed. When I think about him any other time, there's just a sense of blurry resignment somewhere. That makes it sound like I've accepted defeat with us when I haven't. I just don't know what to do. Hence the lack of communication. I've had talks with people (housemates, uni friends, mum, dad) and the consensus seems to be to let him realise that he misses me and for him to get in contact.

I just worry that I'll be a long time waiting.

In other interim news, my Shakespeare module sort of fucked me over this week by announcing that, whereas in other modules it was acceptable to own non-recommended texts, with Shakespeare texts it is not as acceptable. It will "detrimentally affect" my studies. Because of the sheer volume of criticism and translation difficulties with Shakespeare. Now, if I had the money, I would have no problem buying the recommended Oxford/Arden/Cambridge versions. But I don't, unless I want to spend all of a week's budget on it.

Another point in the interim relates to uni again; one of the modules I was taking this semester was cancelled yesterday. This presents a problem because
1. I had already bought my books for Autobiographics
2. I like the books for Autobiographics
3. My budget is going to be destroyed by having to buy new books (see above paragraph)
4. There are not that many other modules that I wanted to do in the department.
5. This is the first week of Semester 2. It is more than likely I have missed any introductory lectures I was supposed to have.

The interim, ladies and gentlemen. Money, uni and men.

I wish I could say I was heartbroken and curled up on my bed but I'm not. But I'm not doing well emotionally, I guess. I don't feel like I'm feeling very much but that might just be my problems getting to sleep before 3am. Maybe. Or the post-exam cold that spreads around university and has hit Sheaf House at the minute.

Maybe I'm just too sensitive and need to harden the fuck up.
klena: (;_; rorschach)
My final exam was shit.

Just like the module tried to teach us too much without going into detail about anything in particular. Covering Modernism and Post-modernism in one module is too much to expect, even if it is regarding Japanese modernity/post-modernity. We only got a reading list the first week of term, there were never enought copies of the books in the library to read and the union shop didn't stock them. All in all, the module was quite a let-down. The movies we studied weren't interesting, we weren't taught how to "read" film or given any directed focus for our studies. Even the 3000 word essay we had to do, the extent of our instruction was "write on whatever you want". That is all well and good, but I'm sort of looking to pass this module, thanks.

The exam came around today and Hannah, Leah, Hayden and I had been freaking out about it. We were sitting together debating ideas and themes and quotes and not having a clue what to revise. The exam came around. The paper made me want to leave and not do it. To make matters worse, Irena (our tutor) came into the exam and asked if we had any questions about the paper. Like what, how you dicked us over by barely teaching us or why the fuck do you hate us and not want us to pass? Irena is an intelligent woman, she's just not a great teacher. She doesn't communicate her knowledge effectively and, whilst I respect her desire for anarchy/not spoon-feeding us on the module, her reading lists were pathetically lacking and her classes bored me and I resented going to a class where I never actively learnt very much.

So the exam was horrible and I was so angry coming out. So angry. And there's nothing to be done about it.

But I saw Dave and napped at his so everything got a little better because, as he and my mum reminded me, that is my exams over. I am free until the beginning of Lecture week, which is Monday.

Happiness a little undermined by Dave telling me he was kicking me out because he had work to do and said he didn't do work while I was there and he wanted an early night to get up early. And yes, I hold my hands up, I did tell him to tell me when he needed me to leave so he could do things like that but it hurt like a bitch. Because I've worked really hard these past 3 weeks to get to this point, to be free to actually spend some time with him and he was making me leave. It's a childish, selfish point but I earned my Dave-time and being deprived made me want to stamp my feet a litte bit. This whole argument point makes me sound like a brat and like Dave is a toy or commodity but it's not easy to get time together, especially as he's a workaholic and he pushes me to prioritise my university work almost to the point of sacrificing time with him.

I am being narky. It is childish. I am aware of this but I wanted to get it down for posterity.

In order to make myself feel a little better I think I'm going to have a spring clean tomorrow and maybe go to the Oxfam bookshop before the "Return of the King" Sheaf-watching tomorrow night.

In conclusion, I am alone in my own bed and I feel a little shit about exams and myself a little bit right now so....I don't know. Be gentle. Reassure me. Just please be kind.
klena: (but when the sun shines again)
So, I feel I really should have posted after my exam to just reassure myself that it was NOT that bad, even if the second essay may be complete bullshit depending on how the markers decide and that I was so hungry I was going to eat a FUCKING HORSE after the exam. Seriously, why is it I freak out so badly my stomach refuses to let me eat food only to kick up in the last hour of the exam? Not on, stomach, not on. I got so hungry I was going to ask the examiners would they accompany me to the vending machines and watch me stuff my face *____* loving on the junk food *___*. However I didn't. I do have SOME self-restraint....Really! I do!

But I ate and went down to Dave's, completely determined to come back to Sheaf House that night because I was not much fun, in a physical sense. Stupid ovaries! Why you gotta prove I'm not pregnant every month? Actually, screw that, never change, just try to stop fucking with my boy-time?

Of course, that is totally not what happened because after I got something to eat (OM NOM NOM MOTHERFUCKERS, I WAS PREPARED TO EAT A CHILD), I got down there and my brain was like cotton candy. Completely fuzzy and not firing on all cylinders. Dave thought it was sort of adorable. Especially when he insisted on giving me a back massage after I winced fucktons and moaned a little about my poor long-suffering back and my response was "noooooooo i have armpits like the amazooooooooooon :((( baaaaaadddddd". It was true though! That is just not nice!

Then we cuddled and watched a movie. I think. It is all a bit blurry! I do remember ordering chinese and not eating any of it after gorging myself. Then all of a sudden it was 1:30 and I had been there for 7 hours and was pretty much asleep and got a text asking if our mutual friend could stay in my bed if I wasn't planning to come home? So of course I stayed. Bullied into it and all.

Met up with my Lawyer!Emma and had lovely two hour chats and gossiped coming through the park on the way home about some things that were going to be this LJ entry but it is late and I am totally past fuctional coherence. Soon, my pretties.

Hayden, one of my fellow Sheafers and I went to Wendyhouse on Saturday night which is the biggest Alternative night in the North which was awesome. I dressed as a schoolgirl and straightened Hayden's hair! Except I got to Wendyhouse and danced a little too extravangtly with some Animesoc mates so when Dave arrived at midnight or so, I was only on the dancefloor with him for a little bit before my legs went trembly, my stomach started churning, horrific nausea hit and my vision started blacking out at the edges. I hate the way my body copes with Heat Exhaustion. I were far prefer just to faint without hurling my guts up first, thanks >/ So we came off the floor and were off the floor for a good part of the night because I felt quite rough. Stupid body fail.

Although it was not all bad. I met Hayden and Dave outside so I could get fresh air and Hayden could smoke and we stood chatting and passing idle stories and abuse outside for a good hour at least before coming in for the end of the night and dancing.

We ended up with the animesoc crowd again and think we raised a few eyebrows. Hayden was pretty drunk by the time we reached Wendyhouse so he kept pushing Dave and I together and flouncing away telling us to kiss. It was pretty random and hilarious. Except when we got back to Animesoc (and I molested me some [livejournal.com profile] spruce_moosk rude!), Hayden sandwiched Dave in between us and proceeded to sexy!grind on him. And then we swapped to sandwich Hayden. And then I sexy!danced and shook my pretty ample chest at several Animesoc members. Dave got a few looks that he interpreted as "are you going to freak out and get jealous at your girl grinding on everyone around you?" which he didn't. Because, sadly, he knows what I am like. I am all about shaking my boobies about.

Stayed at Dave's, worried about Hayden walking himself home but he was obedient and text me as he was nearly home so it was all okay.

The past few days have been filled with revising for my final exam on Thursday with Hayden, Hannah and our adopted-Sheafhousemate Leah in a valiant effort to NOT fail Narratives of Japanese Modernity without quite knowing what we're supposed to be talking about. Good times. The revision has also been punctuated with random outbursts of song, general madness, movie talk, cake making and being with awesome housefolk.

In conclusion, it has been not so bad these past few days. In fact, I'm feeling pretty lucky to have some of the people I do. Especially now I'm getting to know Leah better. She is hilarious and spunky and secretely a dork underneath her sarcastic exterior.

Speaking of schooling, I have very good reason to believe [livejournal.com profile] mikanfox started classes again today. I'm so thrilled for you darling, I hope it's everything you want it to be. I miss you and that boy of yours. I'm going to be better, I swear it to you.

New term starts on Monday. Sushi-foods with Dave are also before me. I'm planning to spring-clean my wardrobe and maybe start meditation. Things are changing for me. Things have changed for me. And that's okay.
klena: (Default)
Turning and turning in the widening gyre
The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.
Surely some revelation is at hand;
Surely the Second Coming is at hand;
The Second Comimg! Hardly are those words out
When a vast image out of Spiritus Mundi
Troubles my sight: somewhere in the sands of the desert
A shape with lion body and the head of a man,
A gaze blank and pitiless as the sun
Is moving it's slow thighs, while all about it
Reel shadows of indignant desert birds.
The darkness drops again; but now I know
That twenty centuries of stony sleep
Were vexed to nightmare by a rocking cradle,
And what rough beast, it's hour now round at last,
Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?

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