klena: (storm in the form of a girl)
[personal profile] klena
New icon post primarily. Lyn-Z is one of my girl-idols.

Strange interim place currently. Dave and I aren't talking or even texting because I'm pissed at him for letting me down after exams finished and he...well, I can only speculate as to why he hasn't been in contact. He's forgotten about me (in the way that things slip his mind regularly), he's focused on work, he hasn't thought about me. Speculation but feels like there's flecks of truth there. And that's hard.

I don't want things to be over with him but I haven't seen him in a week and haven't spoken to him in 6 days. And I know that's not long but when you live in the same city, it's hurtful. So I've raged and been down and cried about him but now I'm just nowhere.

When I'm trying to sleep, I think about us and my heart drops to my stomach but only when I'm alone in bed. When I think about him any other time, there's just a sense of blurry resignment somewhere. That makes it sound like I've accepted defeat with us when I haven't. I just don't know what to do. Hence the lack of communication. I've had talks with people (housemates, uni friends, mum, dad) and the consensus seems to be to let him realise that he misses me and for him to get in contact.

I just worry that I'll be a long time waiting.

In other interim news, my Shakespeare module sort of fucked me over this week by announcing that, whereas in other modules it was acceptable to own non-recommended texts, with Shakespeare texts it is not as acceptable. It will "detrimentally affect" my studies. Because of the sheer volume of criticism and translation difficulties with Shakespeare. Now, if I had the money, I would have no problem buying the recommended Oxford/Arden/Cambridge versions. But I don't, unless I want to spend all of a week's budget on it.

Another point in the interim relates to uni again; one of the modules I was taking this semester was cancelled yesterday. This presents a problem because
1. I had already bought my books for Autobiographics
2. I like the books for Autobiographics
3. My budget is going to be destroyed by having to buy new books (see above paragraph)
4. There are not that many other modules that I wanted to do in the department.
5. This is the first week of Semester 2. It is more than likely I have missed any introductory lectures I was supposed to have.

The interim, ladies and gentlemen. Money, uni and men.

I wish I could say I was heartbroken and curled up on my bed but I'm not. But I'm not doing well emotionally, I guess. I don't feel like I'm feeling very much but that might just be my problems getting to sleep before 3am. Maybe. Or the post-exam cold that spreads around university and has hit Sheaf House at the minute.

Maybe I'm just too sensitive and need to harden the fuck up.

Date: 2010-01-28 07:24 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] hybrid-xisha.livejournal.com
Oh, darling, don't sink into anger and depression and suspicion! That's more of a relationship killer than anything that may actually be happening.

As long as you don't know what's going on, don't make assumptions about it. Yes, he SHOULD stay in touch, but guys seem to be total shit at remembering other people in their lives when they're focused on something, and you've already said he is very much a workaholic. If it helps, a personal example: a long time ago, I went a month without hearing from my sweetie of the time. I got so worried, but it turned out he'd just been so busy with work and was stressing out so much over a big project that he was too tired to check email or respond to calls.

Give him one more call/text/whatever your choice and tell him you're worried about him, you need to know he's okay, and you'd like to know when he'll be free to hang out. Then go live your life, as you always should. :) If he hasn't gotten back in touch with you in a few more weeks, or treats you like an afterthought when he does, THEN you can get annoyed. (But still keep it calm when telling him why you're annoyed, 'cause anger just works against you both.)

P.S. If you haven't already, now would be a good time to round up some friends and watch that awful fan-film I wrote about earlier. :D
Edited Date: 2010-01-28 08:01 pm (UTC)

Date: 2010-01-28 08:15 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] klena.livejournal.com
I guess the problem is that it might not be suspicion? I mean, yes it is me getting too wound up in my own head and spiralling down on conjecture but there's some basis for all these thoughts somewhere right?

He is a workaholic and I knew I was going to be second priority to the business when things started but I guess the thing is that the business is...well, it is his life. He doesn't have any other priorities besides that.

I want to call him but I can already hear my mum in my ear. She gave me a roasting on Sunday about "not giving in like I always do" and to "not be a doormat" and give in to him.

There's so much I want to talk to him about but with this going on there's nowhere for it to be vented. I mean, I have vented to people but not directed at a source that can really help me out.

I just don't know, I'm trying to live but with money constraints and I'm having body/face issues at the minute it's really hard. I was going to go out tonight but I don't know if I'm going to now.

But you're very wise love. I love you ♥

P.S I will try to round up some geeks

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