We're all ghosts

So, as Death Cab for Cutie sang, it's the new year. 2012 is upon us which is great because a really good chunk of 2011 seriously sucked dick. There were a lot of questions about almost everything in my life, including my mental health and my coping abilities.

However, I made it through the year. I've got a lot of work to do this year. I need to spend more of it away from Dave. Not because I don't love him, I really do, but I'm always quite close to that "I could strangle you" boundary because I spend something like 80% of my week with him. Yes, really, we live together and work together and spend most of our nights together. Which sometimes is amazing. Othertimes, I just want to be living on my own in a house I've decorated by myself and doing exactly what I do or don't want to do with my evenings.

But that's relationships. Just before my birthday (and hey, yeah, I'm totally 25 now - first quarter of a century over me! I will accept all rounds of applause) I redrafted my CV and applied for a bunch of jobs. My aim is to have one before January is over, although I know how hard things are in this climate.

But I am getting ahead of myself! This is my first post of 2012 just to let everyone know that I made it out alive as apparently every Twitter crossposting service I used over the course of the year have just died. And none of my Tweets were shipping over so anyone who hasn't/doesn't follow me on Twitter probably thinks this is an abandoned journal. It's not, I promise! Also, our internet and phoneline went down the day after I got home so I was an entire 10 days without any of the internet. Oh the internet, it's strange how I both did and did not miss you!

I will recap Christmas and all that jazz tomorrow, I think, as I have photos and stuff to put up including just thoughts I want to get out but for now, I just want to say this:

I hope you had an amazing festive season, with loved ones or having adventures or having a quiet family affair. You all still mean so much to me, even though I am so absent, but you are all still always in my thoughts. I love you. Let's make this year glorious ♥

Now, unless you were under a rock today, you may have heard today was the Royal Wedding. So we had a party at Han and Guy's today. I missed almost the entire ceremony because of picking up some food and stuff for the party but I dolled myself up and spent the day in marvellous company. It would have been lovely if Dave could have been there, but it wasn't meant to be apparently.

We had Prosecco and strawberries to toast the couple when they shared their first kiss as a married couple, which was a really nice tradition. So I got a little pissed and comfy and sleepy which we cured by watching "The Queen" and then having more tea and playing "Balderdash". rogue_dreams made a fucking glorious cake and we had strawberries and cream and summer foods and om nom nom tasty.

Friends of ours also got married today, mofette and her partner Richard, who won the Hobgoblin "Alternative Royal Wedding" competition. I look forward to seeing the photos of that.

Today made me feel a lot better, but I know it's a process of highs and lows. I just hope this all get resolved sooner rather than later. I feel so ready to start moving on with our lives. Even all the scary settled adult shit we've discussed, all that seems just...exciting rather than scary. Weird!

Here's a few photos taken from today under the cut

( The Royal Union of Prince William and Catherine Middleton )

Hello there beautiful people.

Has your weekend been good so far? Has it been sunny and everything you wanted? I hope so

I am here to help some friends out! Namely, the lovely mofette, who used to be my boss at Fab Cafe, and is a good friend. She and her fiance Richard have entered a competition with Wychwood Brewery, who make Hobgoblin Beer.

The competition is to win an Alternative Royal Wedding, to take place on the 29th April (the day Kate Middleton and Prince William get married), and they've made it into the final 3! Voting closes today, so I'm asking for a last minute push to help them out :)

Please go to Wychwood Brewery and vote for Aileen and Richard. I'd really appreciate it, and I know they would too :)

♥

I haven't blogged properly in a few weeks because of the fucking extra-ordinary circumstances I now find myself in.

I'm not going to pour my heart out about it here, it's not the time or the place. And also, whilst I have a large circle of friends who I believe should all get to know what's happening, I don't want the additional stress of wondering who they'll tell and the potential judgement that comes with everything we say. So better to keep my mouth closed.

It's much easier functioning from day to day now, but I think that's only because there is no option for me to run away from the business. This is something that I have to get through, because burying my head in the sand would destroy something that a lot of time and effort and dedication has gone into.

It'll be a month on Friday, which is strange. I keep wondering if I've actually just cracked mentally because surely I, with my history of falling apart, should have had a proper breakdown by now? Although maybe that's what those first few days were.

In another way, it is nice to know that I do have inner strength. I always wondered if I did.

There is the possibility of big news next week which will give me a possible end date to work towards. I wasn't expecting any news on that topic for at least a month so it was a little startling to hear it today.

These past few weeks and everything that has come with them has made me think a lot about the nature of love and of being in love.

I love a lot, even though I feel like a twisted, bitter old crone sometimes. And I am a bit of a wretched person sometimes, I don't work hard enough to maintain friendships and I'm a hermit when things get hard, and sometimes I just can't be bothered. But I do honestly care and love a lot of people. I love some people that I know no longer think of me, I love people who I see everyday, and I love people I've never met.

But when it comes to Love and of Being In Love, well...

I always assumed that you just knew when you were in love with a person, that it was as obvious as the days of the week, as your very own hands stretched out before you.

And it's not like that at all, is it? Being in love is quiet, and catches you unaware when you remember - like a small gesture, the cupping of your cheek or seeing them breathe beside you at night or the look in their eyes that you half-catch. Being in love is a background thing, that waits to remind you patiently of its existence, like your distant awareness of your limbs during the day when you aren't doing anything crucial with them.

It's not fireworks and torrid passion and burning intensity, although those definitely do happen too. Yet those things happen when you're not in love with someone, you just think you are. Sadly, been there, done that and what a fucking mess that was!

Being in love makes me feel a little embarrassed to phrase it like that. It sounds soppy and overly cute or even borderline nauseating. But I know I am. Because he's made me better for being with him, and made me worse in some ways (but only in little things).

But possibly the biggest thing that makes me know that I must be in love with him is how I will do what needs to be done for us and the thought of our future together. And I'm doing it, without a mental breakdown (just mini flaps of distress) and without anger or resentment because I see this as something we need to do, a hurdle that needs leapt over (or a wall that needs climbing really) in order for us to move forward with our lives.

It's not easy. But I feel the end result is going to be worth it. And even if it isn't, and we don't last forever like we want to, I know I'll be able to say to people in years to come that yes, I was definitely in love at least once in my life and it was real and I wasn't misguided and it wasn't one-sided.

And that's enough for me, at the moment. So I'll wait and continue with everything, and keep living until all this is done, and then we'll get to move on together. And I think it's going to be fantastic.