klena: (listening to our apocalypse suite)
[personal profile] klena
So, it's the beginning of December. I've been in Leeds for 93 days which seems like a stupidly short time when it's reduced to days. The State of the Union post is delayed once again because about 3 weeks ago my laptop shut itself off. It wasn't the first time it had done this but instead of coming back on when I tried about an hour later it has refused to show any signs of life.

I'm currently using my housemate's old laptop (love hannah ;_;) but it doesn't recognise my external harddrive when it's plugged in nor does it have the majority of my bookmarks saved to it. In other words, I'm making excuses for not being around.

Another reason for not being around yet again is due to final year. I'm not so much being raped by my degree as constantly being told "AGAINST THE WALL NOW" at multiple points over the last 10 or so weeks.

I'm doing okay though. I've just been going back over my few lj entries from the last year or so and realising just how things have changed for me.

. I'm with someone - granted, not officially but we are a couple regardless of titles. Sometimes we are practically in each others brains but we're doing okay for 7 months. It's the longest one man has been in my life. It's not easy - we both have talked about how it's not easy for us; he owns his own business and this is my final year of university but we do our best to make it work. And, in his own words about a month ago, he "wouldn't change a second of the last 6 months". He's been so good for me. Yes, it sucks having to fight to spend time with him but even if I head to his when he's working, I have nothing to do but work so I've been working far harder than I have done every other year I've been here at university.
. I'm off medications. Did I ever tell anyone that? I came off my medication sometime before Easter, as far as I can remember, because I wanted to try depression on my own terms and learn how to cope with myself when I am sad. And I've had a few patches. I was a ball of horrible venomous rage over the summer because I was working myself to death and I had a 'bad week' about two weeks ago where I had no desire to work, to eat, to get out of bed and I was just sad all the time. It's still lingering but I'm working hard to not let it cripple me.
. I'm actually working on my degree. Besides doing my core work, I'm reading beyond my module. I'm trying to make my brain better
. I don't have a job anymore. I quit Fab in April and got with Dave my last day. It's funny to say that because I was working last night to cover for everyone else but it's made life a little tougher regarding budgeting and in another way it's made things easier because I'm not stressing about working and losing my weekend because of late shifts.
. I'm not being creative. This is a minus for me but I haven't been overly creative in probably months. Tons of ideas for art bouncing around my head and the desire to flesh out characters and be more involved in online RPs but that's hard to do when you fight to spend time with someone and be a good housemate and not fail your degree.
. The end of that last point pretty much sums up my life actually. Being a housemate, being a partner, being a student.

Things aren't so bad. I'm still very hard on myself. I hate myself sometimes and god, I get so lonely other times and I feel like nobody cares about me. I need affection and to be reminded that people care about me except I can never ask for such things. And it's stupid and immature and a failing of mine. But maybe one day I'll be beyond it.

I was toying with the idea of New Years Letters. Would anyone be interested?

Date: 2009-12-01 09:20 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] hybrid-xisha.livejournal.com
Narrowing down your life to work/RL-people during the last year of school is totally to be expected. It's amazing how much crap they toss at you in the final year, if you have to take more than two classes per term. =O_o=

I'm proud of you for seeing how well you do on your own, though there won't be anything wrong with it if you want the meds again! I can only guess at how hard it can be sometimes to not have that extra bit of help, probably takes some serious getting used to. Wishing you the bestest of all lucks with it. :D

Take your time on coming back to the arts and such, unless you just have the free time and desire. I've tried not to move forward too much on the RP stuff since I know you wanted in (and others are really busy now too). All your true loves will be waiting for you when you're ready to return! You've got enough to deal with right now. :)

New Year Letters sound awesome! But I don't want anything unless you actually have the time and drive to do it. I want you to focus on yourself for a bit!

Date: 2009-12-01 10:27 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] blindeadmcjones.livejournal.com
Big sis. ♥

I have so much respect for how you handle depression, you know?

New Year penpal-ness sounds divine, but don't stress yourself out more!

Date: 2009-12-01 10:36 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] threnodaemis.livejournal.com
"Things aren't so bad. I'm still very hard on myself. I hate myself sometimes and god, I get so lonely other times and I feel like nobody cares about me. I need affection and to be reminded that people care about me except I can never ask for such things. And it's stupid and immature and a failing of mine. But maybe one day I'll be beyond it."

I think you may be beyond it already, dear. =)

You know we still love you over here in the Oosa, right? In fact, I think about you quite often, and miss you even more often. I haven't said much as of late, mainly because the last time I poured out to you I thought I might have gone a little overboard and was afraid I may have accidentally made you uncomfortable.

Regardless, after reading this I have to say that I am very proud of you. You've been dealing with a lot from the sounds of it, and yet you continue. You've made some bold choices, like with your meds, and you have persevered. Yes, you have had some terrible patches, but here you are. You may have moments where you feel like you have gone sixty rounds with the devil himself afterwards, but it looks like you have weathered each storm admirably.

And I'm so proud of you. I'm happy for all of the blessings you have gained in this past year. And, I'm so sorry for all of the horrible things that have befallen you during the same stretch of time. No matter what, know this - I believe in you, I love the person you are, and I'll always be here for you no matter what.

Best wishes...

Date: 2009-12-02 12:32 am (UTC)


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