I heard there was a secret chord, that David played and it pleased the Lord...

[klena]

but you don't really care for music do you?

This is the second time I'm typing this entry.

Y'know, when you text a friend at 2:30 in the morning asking for their address, you don't normally get phoned straight away, do you? And yet, that's what donal did which provoked a fantastic 15 minute conversation about "Goblet of Fire", t-shirts, Luton and how I now sound girly on the phone. That's even funnier because I've never known how I sounded on the phone.

So, after that bit of excitement, I tried to settle myself to sleep by listening to music and actually got quite upset, thinking about stuff again. I feel...left behind, is probably the best term for it.

I mean, Jacqui's in Manchester, Jenni's in Spain, Jules in in Aberdeen, I have no clue where Eimear is, Efa's in Liverpool, Donal's in Luton, Jess is floating around Co. Down somewhere and Ruth's in Alaska. And even the people that I just used to bump into everyday - god only knows where they are now. And here am I, sitting doing nothing with my life whilst they're at uni. I mean, I know June and Lillybet are still here but June has a job and Elizabeth her own business.

I dunno. And then I realised that this time next year I won't even be living in my own home anymore. And it scared me. No, actually it terrified me. Because I'm still just a kid! I mean, I run around singing in the rain and I laugh at the stupidest things...And yet, in less than 3 months, I'm going to be 19. And I just typed 18.

I feel...No, I know my life has changed. That my life is changing. And I don't know if I'm ready for it or what I'm going to do with my life. And yet, I know I've got to get out of this place. I know I can do it. I rambled on the way home from Newry to my mum and said that I didn't think that I fit in over here. She asked me in what way did I not fit in and I told her that it wasn't that I don't fit it, I do but I still feel...embarrassed? restricted? here. Like I can't be myself. Half the time, I feel like I can't breathe. So that's why I could never stay here and go to university - because I know I'd never really leave. No matter how much I love this place and how well I know the back roads and the best way around Belfast and which cinema/pub is the best, I know I have to leave. And part of me is so glad to leave it behind. And part of me can't even speak, it's that terrified.

I don't even know what I'm rambling about anymore. I'm going to do the paperwork I've got to do. Sorry. Sorry.

Comments

[whitehaiku.livejournal.com]

You're going to do great. You've got a fire inside you that'll keep you a-ok. That's why you know what you have to do, even if you're terrified. You'll do what you ned to, and you will do brilliantly. I have a lot of faith in you, Kaygirl. Don't apologize! We love you. =D