I heard there was a secret chord, that David played and it pleased the Lord...

[klena]

but you don't really care for music do you?

This is the second time I'm typing this entry.

Y'know, when you text a friend at 2:30 in the morning asking for their address, you don't normally get phoned straight away, do you? And yet, that's what donal did which provoked a fantastic 15 minute conversation about "Goblet of Fire", t-shirts, Luton and how I now sound girly on the phone. That's even funnier because I've never known how I sounded on the phone.

So, after that bit of excitement, I tried to settle myself to sleep by listening to music and actually got quite upset, thinking about stuff again. I feel...left behind, is probably the best term for it.

I mean, Jacqui's in Manchester, Jenni's in Spain, Jules in in Aberdeen, I have no clue where Eimear is, Efa's in Liverpool, Donal's in Luton, Jess is floating around Co. Down somewhere and Ruth's in Alaska. And even the people that I just used to bump into everyday - god only knows where they are now. And here am I, sitting doing nothing with my life whilst they're at uni. I mean, I know June and Lillybet are still here but June has a job and Elizabeth her own business.

I dunno. And then I realised that this time next year I won't even be living in my own home anymore. And it scared me. No, actually it terrified me. Because I'm still just a kid! I mean, I run around singing in the rain and I laugh at the stupidest things...And yet, in less than 3 months, I'm going to be 19. And I just typed 18.

I feel...No, I know my life has changed. That my life is changing. And I don't know if I'm ready for it or what I'm going to do with my life. And yet, I know I've got to get out of this place. I know I can do it. I rambled on the way home from Newry to my mum and said that I didn't think that I fit in over here. She asked me in what way did I not fit in and I told her that it wasn't that I don't fit it, I do but I still feel...embarrassed? restricted? here. Like I can't be myself. Half the time, I feel like I can't breathe. So that's why I could never stay here and go to university - because I know I'd never really leave. No matter how much I love this place and how well I know the back roads and the best way around Belfast and which cinema/pub is the best, I know I have to leave. And part of me is so glad to leave it behind. And part of me can't even speak, it's that terrified.

I don't even know what I'm rambling about anymore. I'm going to do the paperwork I've got to do. Sorry. Sorry.

Comments

[lipstickcat.livejournal.com]

Does it help if I tell you these feelings are normal? Probably not, but they are. Wouldn't it be terribly boring if you knew exactly where you were going and when all the time? Life would stop being life and start being a routine.

Make the most of your year out doing whatever you want - I wish my parents had let me have a gap year. Relax if you want to relax, go out if you want to go out, earn money, spend money... Take the time while you have it at your leisure.

Have you applied/thought about any uni's yet? The biggest point of going to uni, IMO, isn't getting an education, but learning who you are away from the people who think they know who you are and impose their impression of you on to you.

Change is scary and it doesn't ever stop being scary, but it keeps you alive and you'll always have good friends to support and love you.

*hugs*

[klena.livejournal.com]

(so late reply. Woe!)

It did actually. Even though I knew it already. A routine would be boring and repetitive but it's almost desirable in a way, y'know?

I think I'm going to Leeds. I think.

Thank you. xoxoxo

*hugs*