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klenaI realised that my last 8-10 entries have just been my tweets being reshipped. That is ridiculous but also accurate of my life.
It's been a while of interesting conversations. Particularly tonight, where we discussed transgender people, the issues relating to gender-reassignment surgery and the wider societal issues regarding people who don't fit into the heteronormative bubble that society dictates we should exist in.
[edit] It also contains the vague tale of Dave and myself.
So I feel I should write somethings that are parts of my personality that might be deducible from comments I've made, but nothing I'm ashamed about.
I'm bi-sexual, although I feel that term is not the best that could be applied to myself. I've never had any comprehensive sexual encounters with women, purely because of a lack of time and my current romantic situation. I am interested in a relationship with a woman, but I believe that, ultimately, I will probably be with a man in later life. However, things could change. I fall for people, regardless of what squishy bits they do or do not happen to have between their legs.
Also, a minor side-point, but it is my belief that it is an errant judgment that to settle down with a partner is to finally "choose" a gender to be with. It is not "choosing a gender", it is choosing "monogamy". There are not the same thing at all.
I do enjoy the company of women, but a lot of them leave me feeling ultimately drained. This is potentially why I have been termed "basically a boy with breasts" which is puzzling considering I am a female-identifying female. This term applied to me is probably attributed to the fact I do not act like a "conventional" girl as society would deem it, and therefore appear almost bloke-ish in my personality.
This is further puzzling because society dictates that a "conventional" girl has an interest in fashion and make-up and looking nice. I like all these things, I just do not conform to the convention. Also, I am not bloke-ish because I do not like beer, as ladettes are termed as enjoying.
Society also seems to infer that because I am female there are certain topics I should not broach or at least not be as vocal about. I call bullshit on these topics. I enjoy discussing and arguing ideas, politics, philosophy, geek topics, the inherent ridiculousness of women and sex.
I am currently in a non-relationship with a fantastic guy who I care for very much and who makes it easy for me to be the self I am in my own head. It is my belief that every one of us has multiple selves that we employ in various situations; we are intellectual, creative, pseudo-intellectual, ironic, flirtatious, dorky, ridiculous, sexy, bitter, angry, crass, vulgar, hilarious, witty, dry, personable. Whilst we can employ and alternate several of these selves as the conversations or situations dictate, we never use all of them because it is not socially applicable or appropriate. Being with Dave allows me to be ridiculous and sexy and dorky and intellectual all at once. I can be the person I feel in my head. I am so grateful to him for that.
My relationship is deemed unconventional in several aspects. Mainly because we are seen as a couple by our peers and social circles. And we are, just not in title. This is a cause of worry and frustration but, fundamentally, works for us. It is an issue of Dave's that I am not going to push because I respect him too much to try and bully him into a corner. Also, we feel it is a sign of our strength/maturity that we can be with each other and not be defined by a label such as "boyfriend" and "girlfriend". I refer to him as my partner.
Another unconventional aspect of our relationship that people may not agree with is that I have permission to have sexual experiences outside of our relationship. I'm unsure of where Dave's position is regarding sexual encounters is, but considering his work-like, it is an unlikely topic to be discussed, even though we should. Dave believes that this is the time of my life when I should be enjoying all the experiences I can have and I understand this point. Another reason for it is that Dave cannot do several things that I desire to try, for example, he does not have breasts or a vagina, nor does he have any desire to try some of my desires. Therefore, he sees it as reasonable for me to indulge in these pleasures where I can.
The final unconventional aspect of the non-relationship would be that we both have a strong interest in the BDSM community. Obviously, I already had dispositions to such kinks before I went to LA, however being in the community there, even for a brief period of time, was enough to confirm for me that yes, this was something that I was interested in and something I would want to experiment with.
Halfway throughout my travels, I stopped having sex. This makes me sound like I was having random sex all the time, I will qualify that. I was not. Prior to Dave, I had sex with two males. One of whom I never should have had sex with, definitely not as much as we did. However you live and learn. After leaving Japan and this person, I just...didn't have sex. I had a few opportunities to, but they never felt entirely right so I didn't. Plus, I should also interject that I had no real libido. I had sort-of-enjoyed sex but didn't feel like I was missing out not having any. Sex was the only kind of sexual contact I had. I knew very little about my own body.
Fast-forward to this time last year. I'm still working at Fab Cafe and texting one of our bouncers who is really cute and starting his own business up who is interested in my experiences in LA for the fashion and fetish aspects. I don't believe it will go anywhere but the texts make me smile, particularly one he sent on a night out chiding me. "hugs and kisses would go down just fine right now and where are you? fucking miles away!" It makes me wonder if the flirting is not just one way.
My final night at Fab. We sit and have cake. I've drawn a faux-tattoo on my arm and made a real effort for work. The bouncers leave after a while because Friday night is always Movie Night at Dave's. I receive a text from Dave telling me I am more than welcome at Movie Night and also welcome to crash at his instead of attempting to find my way home at 7am. I am dying to go but also do not want to go on my own. The other barstaff are exhausted but our manager, Ben, is up for it so we go up.
Family Guy and banter and a can of Strongbow for myself (stupid idea, cider does not agree with me) whilst Dave sits at the computer and works. Finally, around 7am, everyone is finished for the night and heads to go home. I believe I've misunderstood the entire situation and sit myself comfortably on the sofa as Dave walks everyone out. I can nap for a few hours and then try and discover my way home. Dave walks back through the flat to me, not saying a word, stands in front of me and bends down and kisses me. He helps me up from the sofa, remains holding my hand and walks me into his room.
It is 7am Saturday morning. I leave Sunday afternoon at 5pm.
Now, to return to the original point. During the time I spent with Dave those two days, we have the fantastic pillow conversations, not needing too much sleep, just bantering and discussing our lives and asking questions. We also experiment. I knew what I was interested in exploring sexually and Dave was willing to be my guinea pig. If Dave had not enjoyed any of the experimentation, I was willing to take what I could.
Fetish and Kink are integral to my/our sex life but it is not a crucial factor for it. We have perfectly awesome "vanilla" sex. Plus, rarely enough, we are lucky enough to both be "Switches". This might lead us to be judged in the BDSM community because it is seem as a wishy-washy choice, as far as it's been explained to me. We are both happy to be Dominant and we are both happy to be Submissive. And I don't give a flying fuck what the community thinks of us. I am lucky enough to be with a man who I have really good sex with and with whom, we are free to explore different aspects of ourselves.
What have I tried to say?
I'm a female-identifying female bisexual, currently with a male partner. I am in an unconventional relationship in many different ways. I am what is defined as a Deviant, in more ways than one. I love sex. Flirtation is a part of who I am. I am interested in fetish and kink. I am a Switch. I have a checklist of areas to explore. I have hard limits. I have a partner who is happy to explore with me.
So fuck whoever wants to judge me. I neither want nor desire your approval, it's my life. I am a deviant and I'm happy about it. And surely, that's all that matters.
It's been a while of interesting conversations. Particularly tonight, where we discussed transgender people, the issues relating to gender-reassignment surgery and the wider societal issues regarding people who don't fit into the heteronormative bubble that society dictates we should exist in.
[edit] It also contains the vague tale of Dave and myself.
So I feel I should write somethings that are parts of my personality that might be deducible from comments I've made, but nothing I'm ashamed about.
I'm bi-sexual, although I feel that term is not the best that could be applied to myself. I've never had any comprehensive sexual encounters with women, purely because of a lack of time and my current romantic situation. I am interested in a relationship with a woman, but I believe that, ultimately, I will probably be with a man in later life. However, things could change. I fall for people, regardless of what squishy bits they do or do not happen to have between their legs.
Also, a minor side-point, but it is my belief that it is an errant judgment that to settle down with a partner is to finally "choose" a gender to be with. It is not "choosing a gender", it is choosing "monogamy". There are not the same thing at all.
I do enjoy the company of women, but a lot of them leave me feeling ultimately drained. This is potentially why I have been termed "basically a boy with breasts" which is puzzling considering I am a female-identifying female. This term applied to me is probably attributed to the fact I do not act like a "conventional" girl as society would deem it, and therefore appear almost bloke-ish in my personality.
This is further puzzling because society dictates that a "conventional" girl has an interest in fashion and make-up and looking nice. I like all these things, I just do not conform to the convention. Also, I am not bloke-ish because I do not like beer, as ladettes are termed as enjoying.
Society also seems to infer that because I am female there are certain topics I should not broach or at least not be as vocal about. I call bullshit on these topics. I enjoy discussing and arguing ideas, politics, philosophy, geek topics, the inherent ridiculousness of women and sex.
I am currently in a non-relationship with a fantastic guy who I care for very much and who makes it easy for me to be the self I am in my own head. It is my belief that every one of us has multiple selves that we employ in various situations; we are intellectual, creative, pseudo-intellectual, ironic, flirtatious, dorky, ridiculous, sexy, bitter, angry, crass, vulgar, hilarious, witty, dry, personable. Whilst we can employ and alternate several of these selves as the conversations or situations dictate, we never use all of them because it is not socially applicable or appropriate. Being with Dave allows me to be ridiculous and sexy and dorky and intellectual all at once. I can be the person I feel in my head. I am so grateful to him for that.
My relationship is deemed unconventional in several aspects. Mainly because we are seen as a couple by our peers and social circles. And we are, just not in title. This is a cause of worry and frustration but, fundamentally, works for us. It is an issue of Dave's that I am not going to push because I respect him too much to try and bully him into a corner. Also, we feel it is a sign of our strength/maturity that we can be with each other and not be defined by a label such as "boyfriend" and "girlfriend". I refer to him as my partner.
Another unconventional aspect of our relationship that people may not agree with is that I have permission to have sexual experiences outside of our relationship. I'm unsure of where Dave's position is regarding sexual encounters is, but considering his work-like, it is an unlikely topic to be discussed, even though we should. Dave believes that this is the time of my life when I should be enjoying all the experiences I can have and I understand this point. Another reason for it is that Dave cannot do several things that I desire to try, for example, he does not have breasts or a vagina, nor does he have any desire to try some of my desires. Therefore, he sees it as reasonable for me to indulge in these pleasures where I can.
The final unconventional aspect of the non-relationship would be that we both have a strong interest in the BDSM community. Obviously, I already had dispositions to such kinks before I went to LA, however being in the community there, even for a brief period of time, was enough to confirm for me that yes, this was something that I was interested in and something I would want to experiment with.
Halfway throughout my travels, I stopped having sex. This makes me sound like I was having random sex all the time, I will qualify that. I was not. Prior to Dave, I had sex with two males. One of whom I never should have had sex with, definitely not as much as we did. However you live and learn. After leaving Japan and this person, I just...didn't have sex. I had a few opportunities to, but they never felt entirely right so I didn't. Plus, I should also interject that I had no real libido. I had sort-of-enjoyed sex but didn't feel like I was missing out not having any. Sex was the only kind of sexual contact I had. I knew very little about my own body.
Fast-forward to this time last year. I'm still working at Fab Cafe and texting one of our bouncers who is really cute and starting his own business up who is interested in my experiences in LA for the fashion and fetish aspects. I don't believe it will go anywhere but the texts make me smile, particularly one he sent on a night out chiding me. "hugs and kisses would go down just fine right now and where are you? fucking miles away!" It makes me wonder if the flirting is not just one way.
My final night at Fab. We sit and have cake. I've drawn a faux-tattoo on my arm and made a real effort for work. The bouncers leave after a while because Friday night is always Movie Night at Dave's. I receive a text from Dave telling me I am more than welcome at Movie Night and also welcome to crash at his instead of attempting to find my way home at 7am. I am dying to go but also do not want to go on my own. The other barstaff are exhausted but our manager, Ben, is up for it so we go up.
Family Guy and banter and a can of Strongbow for myself (stupid idea, cider does not agree with me) whilst Dave sits at the computer and works. Finally, around 7am, everyone is finished for the night and heads to go home. I believe I've misunderstood the entire situation and sit myself comfortably on the sofa as Dave walks everyone out. I can nap for a few hours and then try and discover my way home. Dave walks back through the flat to me, not saying a word, stands in front of me and bends down and kisses me. He helps me up from the sofa, remains holding my hand and walks me into his room.
It is 7am Saturday morning. I leave Sunday afternoon at 5pm.
Now, to return to the original point. During the time I spent with Dave those two days, we have the fantastic pillow conversations, not needing too much sleep, just bantering and discussing our lives and asking questions. We also experiment. I knew what I was interested in exploring sexually and Dave was willing to be my guinea pig. If Dave had not enjoyed any of the experimentation, I was willing to take what I could.
Fetish and Kink are integral to my/our sex life but it is not a crucial factor for it. We have perfectly awesome "vanilla" sex. Plus, rarely enough, we are lucky enough to both be "Switches". This might lead us to be judged in the BDSM community because it is seem as a wishy-washy choice, as far as it's been explained to me. We are both happy to be Dominant and we are both happy to be Submissive. And I don't give a flying fuck what the community thinks of us. I am lucky enough to be with a man who I have really good sex with and with whom, we are free to explore different aspects of ourselves.
What have I tried to say?
I'm a female-identifying female bisexual, currently with a male partner. I am in an unconventional relationship in many different ways. I am what is defined as a Deviant, in more ways than one. I love sex. Flirtation is a part of who I am. I am interested in fetish and kink. I am a Switch. I have a checklist of areas to explore. I have hard limits. I have a partner who is happy to explore with me.
So fuck whoever wants to judge me. I neither want nor desire your approval, it's my life. I am a deviant and I'm happy about it. And surely, that's all that matters.
no subject
Date: 2010-03-26 02:45 am (UTC)we are lucky enough to both be "Switches". This might lead us to be judged in the BDSM community because it is seem as a wishy-washy choice, as far as it's been explained to me.
FUCK them. I guess it's good Glen and I generally keep our bedroom play private, if people are gonna be elitists about stupid crap like sex. We switch all the time, sometimes both of us in the same session. It is AWESOME and creative and not wishy-washy at all. Gotta keep that spark alive! :D
(lulz don't fuck them literally becuz they might enjoy it 2 much lulz)
no subject
Date: 2010-04-01 10:18 pm (UTC)People are elitist about all aspects of everything. Being a bisexual switch is sort of like a stigma in some places I went because that was the ultimate in indecisiveness! "How can you enjou men and women and being submissive and being dominant without strong preferences for one over the other omfg!!eleventy-one!one!!!one!"
We've switched in sessons before, although generally not if we're having a set Play Night because it's hard to work around the headspaces we get into, y'know?
Sparks are awesome :DD
I really should upload a sexy icon