sold my songs to have my fortune told

[klena]

Oh how can it be, sweet mama tell me why
why all love's discipline's have to wither and die

Possibly the most pogniant, fucking awful and awesome song to hear just after finishing reading the next installment of the Unholy Verse by bexless: Staring Through The Demons. Anyone who spoke to me after I read the last one (I Have Been All Things Unholy) will know how much I flailed over it and was just ridiculously in love with it. So, due to my fucking wank week so far (little breakdowns that are more than just little and feeling lost and not wanting to speak/be/breathe) I've been reading it on and off.

However tonight I managed to sit down and read the last half of the fic (seriously, half of it) and I don't actually believe I've ever sobbed at a fic like that. Granted I had needed to sit and break and weep properly for a while but I was sitting, tears actually dripping onto my hands as I read the last quarter of the fic. And stopped at the end of it and just sobbed. Full on, head aching, chest hurting sobs.

I probably read sort of normally right now but I feel like I'm living in a state of emotional shock (thanks Julian) - a living dead doll. I'm not really here or there, i'm just....existing is not even a word for it at the minute. don't have the strength to sleep, to laugh, to work and dress up and study. it makes me feel like a doll with strings cut. Like Mikey at the end.

Something wouldn't leave my head yesterday

It's almost on the same level as a Shakespearean comedy: tales of love and fond deception except that those players can take their masks off - we can't because we are living it. There are no deus ex machinas for us, no chaotic last acts because that is not the way this great stage works. Standing to the side and painting-carving-pouring a facade onto your mask but it's too thin - too translucent to your own face so there is a sad truth to your face and no longer the easy smile. How sad that is.

Comments

[marlinkhylacat]

Gods, those kinds of tears are awesome, aren't they? Because they feel like they're tearing you up at the time, but then when you're done, you're all drained and warm and strangely calm and glad you just let it all out.

I think you will appreciate this (both for cheering-ups what may be needed and for randomness): I lay awake until past 5 AM last night, plotting an event that won't happen in ZQL canon for probably years (because two other things have to happen first that I am still plotting, mostly because I have still MORE things I wanna do first). Instead of sleeping. Which I NEEDED to be doing because we were getting up early todei to hit the Greek Festival. But no, instead, I was PLOTTING for my Zeldataku. XD I am pathetic. D: (And loving it.)

[hartclanpaladin.livejournal.com]

The last quote will be making think all day now...