And all I want to hear is the message beep

[klena]

I don't feel so good at the minute.

I think my body is exhausted. I can't write any more. Last night for 2 hours I tried to write some of the Spider-Man Harry-Peter slash that has been corrupting my brain for the past few days and I can't get any of it down. (And fuck off, I don't slash everything....umm....shuttup.) And Gods, I tried so hard There was so much to say and I can barely construct anything constructively fandomy. Fuckity fuck fuck. Like the current contests going around: Kagerou Chapter 19 cover, Adele Sessler's art book illustrations and the Final Waltz fan art. I have such good ideas for them all. And I'm actually confident in them.

At least until I go to put my pencil to paper. Then everything goes to hell. Bollocks.

I finally have the time to create. My art moderator has been in - everything is done! Fuck. I wish I had something beyond my own stuff to work on. Like a fiction or a story or a story post. Like after I almost cried in frustration at myself, I opened my ZQL "End of Everything" document and words just flowed when it came to writing more on the internal dialogue/action sequences. Even =Angel= got a distinctive voice, which I've never felt he's had. OK, granted, in his vocal passage, there are some bizarre slashy things hinted between him and Lapis (completely unintentional. Completely) but it all felt right. Angel's voice sounded right and off-beat and completely fucked up as I wanted him to sound. I've never felt he was a 'sound' character until now. Lapis' voice is very distinctive but I don't know if I can write it. Lapis has...a voice that fits internal monologuing because he's quick. He's the type of guy that talks slow and thinks fast and has a wit that could slice you in two - if he chose to use it.

Angel doesn't. He's brooding and angsty and he suffers. Kathryn get's all the good lines and the little mocking comments and the epiphanies. Fuck it:

Got to get to you…Got to see this through…

VII. Angel

Metal as cold as my skin against my palms. I think my heart would be trying to escape from my chest if I was alive. Lapis says nothing to me as we go up the next building’s fire escape and that’s just fine. I don’t know what to say to him and I never thought it would fucking hurt this much. It hurt when he first disappeared because I knew it was because of me but seeing him again…It felt like someone had just punched me in the stomach and kneed me in the throat. Except none of those things, really affect people who don’t rely on breathe……I missed him so much. I want to hug him but I don’t think he’s….all there. Something doesn’t feel right.

I can see Jenni crouching on our fire escape – every inch a werewolf – and take aim at Lapis with a rifle out of the corner of my vision. I catch her eyes – amber now, must have taken out the contacts – and shake my head very slightly. She vanishes. She’s getting good at that. “Very subtle” he murmurs and I can’t remember how to move for a heartbeat. Heh, heartbeat. “Who?” “Her name’s Jenni. You’ll meet everyone soon enough.” I sound so heartless, a bastard. We reach the roof and Lapis quirks his head at me in the half-light. I say nothing again; just feel as my bones creak and as a gasp escapes me as it always does when my wings pierce through my skin. Blood trickles down my back and my skin burns under Lapis’ stare. I take his hand and my wings beat a torrent of air – we fly for seconds, my wings retract. I try not to think (lapismybigbrother,lapis,lapisishere – ImissmumIwannahug) as I pull my shirt back on and open the door.


I just....I wish I could write. I feel useless.

Fuck it, I'm whining like a little bitch emo kid. I'm going to have my dinner.


[edit] Self note: something's going to begin 'and that's the way it goes sometimes.' ?Am I ripping something off? It feels like it. I don't know.

[edit 2] Evolution. Not evaluation. The key is evolution.

Comments

[marlinkhylacat]

Are you posting that writing to ZQL? Wondering if I should read it here or wait till it goes up if you are. Waiting will be hard, but with you, it's always worth it. XD

And man...aren't some of those Kagerou contest entries neat? I'd love to see what you'd come up with. =^^=

[klena.livejournal.com]

Yeah, but Angel's sandwiched between June and Jenni. (I never thought I'd ever write that!) At least in the perspective. I still have Kathryn, Xana, Kayt and Sharlia to write to I may not be done for a while. Also I don't have a clue - the other stuff follows a sort of timeline. O.o

Dude, the Kagerou entries have been fucking FLOORING me. I don't think I'll enter. Also - scannerless. Still. Fuck

[marlinkhylacat]

Bwahahaha, even if it takes a while, like I said, it's worth it! I shall hold out my hopes of reading the completed postage soon, that I will. =^^=

When you get the scannering back, you should so do some Kagerou fanart. XD Me, I'm still wanting to do Deionæra and Kano crossplaying each other. XD