It's so weird how time goes on

[klena]

I know I should be trying to sleep, but my mind just keeps turning over and over and it makes the night so much worse. My hormones are everywhere too, just what I need.

I can't help thinking about the fact that this time, one year ago, my Granny was still alive but slipping.

And in a few hours, it'll be a year since she died. So my mind keeps going places, like the conversations I wish we had or the fact that she rang all of us in the immediate family up on our birthdays to sing "Happy Birthday" down the phone to us (and I cried last year on my birthday when I realised that would never happen again) and the way her voice sounded when she sang and the cackly laugh she had. But I can't remember her voice.

And now people live in her house, but I still remember getting a phonecall from my mother and being in Northern Ireland in 3 hours to sit beside a hospital bed and watch my Granny get smaller and smaller, even if it was only for two days.

Plus then I get panicked, I mean, fuck, if I'm this bad about my Granny - what about if something happens to my parents? Just the thought of Mum or Dad dying instantly makes me cry. What would I do without my parents?

Fuck. Fuck. Anniversaries are hard and the day hasn't even started yet.

I miss her so much.