And the habit of decomposing right before your very eyes along with the people inside

[klena]

Fandom birthday. Right

Here's the story people - this is a lot of info about me and why I am really really shit at being a friend and why you should probably de-friend me.



The reason I was so up for my fandom birthday this year is because I thought I'd have time being off work and thus having the time and energy and desire to do it. Now the desire is still there, it totally is. I so want to do this because I have some awesome prompts and ideas and I really want to get on them.

However the life situation is giving me problems. Let's break it all down, shall we?

University: I have only just managed to get my module choices away after having it ready for nearly a month. My student loan isn't finished the application process because I need my parents to verify the information I applied with which I lost but have regained. I cannot register with the university for next year until the English department finished my transfer to their department. Oh and I also can't register because I don't have a house. Just that little detail.

Work: Yes, I am off work from McDonalds. However, I am panicky about the fact I am on sick leave and will not get as much money as I need which is vital considering my student loan payments could very well be late. So I am returning to work on Friday night hopefully. Will explain that a little more in the next section.

Summer Scheme: My mum has her own charity set up called C.A.P.A.A - Children And Parents And Autism. And for the past god-knows-how-many-years she has ran a summer scheme for children with autism in our area as well as their brothers and sisters. I have worked at every one we have held and I love it. However, before the scheme starts, we have to dig out all our old toys, sort through all the stuff in our house to find equipment - art supplies, material, paper, labels etc etc. So our house has been a bombsite this week. Plus my mum gets all stressed about it and is not maybe the most organised but she does this out of her own time. And so I've been helping her sort out the house and put things into boxes and go buy supplies we need and clean and set up for tomorrow, along with my dad and brother. Dad and bro are not overly thrilled about the scheme because they get dragged into it.

This year I'm sort of the artist because I do T-shirts every year for the kids to paint and so I have to be there. I want to be there. Mum also cannot be there for every day this year so my dad is technically running it but mum has said she's letting me pretty much run it because I know the ropes and the kids.

No pressure. However this affects going to work because it means I can only work from 4pm. Which means for the next two weeks my schedule is looking like:
up at 9
summer scheme from 10-3, 3:30
work from 4 - 12/1

...So yeah which also leads me to

Money: My family have always had money issues. I have money issues. I have not saved enough with work, I need to pay my mum off for some things already, i need to book flights to go to Leeds and find a place to stay so we can look at house and oh yeah, I've got debt collectors after me from last university year. Yeah.

Home: The tension from the last post? Is about my family life. I am constantly trying to keep a balance in my family from my mum losing her cool with the family and my dad. My parent's marriage is not awesome and hasn't been for quite a good few years. And I've been running interference between the two since I was about 11. Joking with my dad to lift him out of his really black depression, hiding his alcohol or disposing of the empty cans before mum finds them and spending time with my mum to keep her spirits up and try and help her.

Also, I go to uni. I'm not here most of the year and oh god do I worry. I'm my mum's confidante, always have been, since I was a girl. My brother does his best but he's not as sensitive to the mood as I am. Also, when I sit in my room on my laptop I panic. I never stop thinking "I should be putting the washing out or cleaning up or doing something to help out or make sure every one is still going." So. My home life ladies and gentlemen.

Finally

Health: So, this thing I had? Is starting to clear. Except for one thing. I am ridiculously weak. And anyone's who has met me knows I am not one for lacking in energy or strength or being cheerful. This is the first time I have been really sick. I have never been off work for nearly 3 weeks. I've never had to take off like that. I've never been weak after illness. And I'm frustrated at myself a lot because I need to be strong and happy and keep going.

Also, sometimes my anti-depressant medication doesn't kick in properly and I get the shakes which is not awesome for art or for just concentration purposes. So. Plus I am also constantly worrying about the people around me and that takes it's toll too, although I am happy to counsel and be there and take care of people. I just...i don't get to breathe sometimes. And that's difficult and maybe it's everything I've been through or maybe it's just been I can't do it as well anymore but...yeah.

Also I smoked tonight which I do really rarely (like if I'm insanely stressed like at uni or when I am drunk). Which is...well. Plus i'm such an occasional smoker that it made my entire body shaky and made my knees quiver. Gah.



There we go folks. More than you ever wanted to know about me.

So, (even if you didn't read the ramble), what I am proposing to do is not to postpone the birthday. I don't want to do that and I really want to do it. I'm just...taking my time with it, is that okay? Because I really want to do well by you lot and I want the gifts to be good and I don't want to give out slapdash presents. Because I adore you lot and want to do right by you. Is...I mean, are people okay with this?

And there we have it.

Comments

[angelbirdemmi.livejournal.com]

Breathe, hun.

And don't overwork yourself after this, that's how you relapse. Take it easy and do things slowly. If you don't feel well, sit down, take a rest.

You know where to find me if you need to talk. Or just need a hug.

[karadin.livejournal.com]

Your fandom and online life should be a relief, not the cause of stress, so don't set self imposed deadlines that will take away the joy, your friends understand.

You've got a lot on your plate, you are young and working toward your own goals, while it is commendable, laudable, that you want to help your parents, you have to put yourself first, what is the point of getting into debt for school if you are not getting the most you can out of it. Hopefully you could use the autism event towards your school as an extra-credit or independent study. Perhaps your mother could get grants and aid toward future schemes so at least your family is reimbursed, if not paid.

As for your parent's issues, they are adults, they are responsible for the success and failure of their own relationship. You are most probably enabling your father in his destructive behaviors, and possibly preventing him from getting the real help he needs. So sometimes 'helping' them is not the best thing for them, I speak from experience.

Try to take care of yourself honey. That benefits everyone, you can't take care of others when you put your needs last.

[waxrose.livejournal.com]

Darling. *hugs tightly* That's a lot to deal with and I really hope that you aren't overextending yourself too much. Take it slowly, okay. I love you. <3

[threnodaemis.livejournal.com]

So, what you're saying is that life happens and we should de-friend you for that? Bollocks, I say.

Dear, if I de-friended you because you have a lot of stuff that you are going through right now, I'd have to de-friend practically everyone I am friends with. Don't feel bad because you have alot to deal with. If you need to take care of yourself, do so. This doesn't make you a bad friend. Setting someone on fire after you've shagged their mate and told them they are ugly is being a bad friend.

Seriously though, don't sweat it. Do what you need to do, recover from your illness, be the pillar of strength that you are for those who need you and know that the rest of us will be here to be your pillar when you need us.

And all this new knowledge about you just makes me love you more. I'm also glad I got to learn a little more about you tonight.

Chin up and stand tall, luv. We're right behind you.

[marlinkhylacat]

I can only echo the sentiments in this comment. =^^=

Also, you're the one DOING the giving. You can take as damn long as you want!

And if I see you dare show your face on AIM, I'ma kick you to go back to bed. :P~

[darthzal.livejournal.com]

Dearest, dearest Kay-chan... You never have to feel guilty for those kinds of things.
If you need anything - and I don't just WRITE that, now, I MEAN it - if you need anything, don't hesitate to ask.

I had no idea you were going through almost the exact same thing as I am, what with parents possibly getting a divorce, being the confidante, trying to get family members out of depression, frowning at bottles, fretting about not doing enough or being good enough... It totally and utterly sucks, most of the time.

So. Tell me if you want company in Leeds. I'll click those red ruby shoes and be there in a wink. ^.~

[blackballoon.livejournal.com]

Wow, take your time! I empathize with so many parts of your post that it's making me a little stressed. *hugs* We're in no hurry, and besides, you need to put yourself first right now. Especially since you haven't fully recovered from whatever illness you had. Trust me, stress is the worst thing when you're recuperating *has a ton of health issues in the immediate family, gah*, so, yeah. ♥ Eat some good, nutritious food and give yourself leave to do certain things (or not do them), even if it's just, you know, for an hour at the time.

[blackballoon.livejournal.com]

Good comment. :D

[blindeadmcjones.livejournal.com]

I almost don't believe you could be seriously asking if we're okay with you taking your time because, well, duh. But you really are that sweet and generous and considerate, aren't you? *hugs* I'm so sorry you're having a hard time of it. Don't be afraid to think of yourself once in a while, when you get the chance. ♥

If there's anything I can do for you, please ask.

[hartclanpaladin.livejournal.com]

*Biggest hug you can receive without me physically being there*

You know I'm here 4u :), also if in doubt, hopefully the letter should be there now so at least parts of it may cheer.