klena: (the stars are falling from the sky)
Had one of those days where I've just felt kinda crappy all day. The jobs listed today were all for really technical jobs like engineers or paralegal/legal jobs which are completely WAY out of my field. Lovely housemate has emailed her recruitment firm for me to recommend me so I'm going to send them my email in the morning and then give them a call in the afternoon.

I just feel really disheartened and lonely and since I've come back from home, all I want to do is move back home. Which came completely out of left field really but the more I think about it...I think it's just because I'm always really concerned about my family and with both Mama and Papa D being diagnosed with high blood pressure and things, it just makes me really worry. And I want to be with my parents and get really annoyed at them for being tits and just get hugs from my mum when I want them and someone to play Rockband with.

I don't know whether I'm just having a delay in processing this year or I'm just in a slump but I rang my mum tonight and ended just having a bit of a weep on the phone to her. Which then I felt guilty for and apologised for because I didn't want to worry her. But all I really wanted was a hug from my mummy.

So I might just organise a few days home with the money my mum gave me for Christmas. I just. I don't want to feel this way. So I've been playing "Batman: Arkham Asylum" and I'm going back around the game and collecting all the Riddler things to try and stop thinking about iut. But. Well.

I'm sorry for whining. Have a picture of a cool as fuck cat.

klena: (because we'll be together)
So my plan was to go into Leeds and just wander around, enjoying the Bank Holiday. And I didn't because I am lazy. So I have been sitting online for nearly 6 hours, alternating between 9Gag, downloading Opera (Firefox just will not allow me to stream video without freezing every 30 seconds) and looking at jobs. Yes, jobs. I am being all responsible, aren't we all proud!

I also signed up for a Dreamwidth account because it seems like a lot of friends are getting dual journals/abandoning LJ after the latest palava with the commenting changes so I am there as Klena. Let me know if you guys are over there.

Then I created my 2012 resolutions. Most of them are quite grown up - get a job by the end of this month, start paying off my student loan, look at pension schemes, visit home more often. But there are creative things there too. I have one for my soul as well. But I think the best one I've decided upon is:

You know that confident, ballsy, "Fuck 'em", good looking young woman that people keep telling you they see? You are that person. Try not to forget it.

On New Years Eve a friend from Anime Soc told me she had had a little bit to drink but wanted to admit to me that when she met me, she had a crush on me because I was confident and secure in myself and wasn't afraid to stand up for myself/things I believed in. I was so flattered! And I forget that a lot, that the person I am socially is also me. I like her a lot, she's fun. And powerful. And people around me like her so I am going to remember that I'm fucking smart and silly and powerful and confident.

Even if I don't, fuck it. Fake it 'til you make it.
klena: (storm in the form of a girl)
New icon post primarily. Lyn-Z is one of my girl-idols.

Strange interim place currently. Dave and I aren't talking or even texting because I'm pissed at him for letting me down after exams finished and he...well, I can only speculate as to why he hasn't been in contact. He's forgotten about me (in the way that things slip his mind regularly), he's focused on work, he hasn't thought about me. Speculation but feels like there's flecks of truth there. And that's hard.

I don't want things to be over with him but I haven't seen him in a week and haven't spoken to him in 6 days. And I know that's not long but when you live in the same city, it's hurtful. So I've raged and been down and cried about him but now I'm just nowhere.

When I'm trying to sleep, I think about us and my heart drops to my stomach but only when I'm alone in bed. When I think about him any other time, there's just a sense of blurry resignment somewhere. That makes it sound like I've accepted defeat with us when I haven't. I just don't know what to do. Hence the lack of communication. I've had talks with people (housemates, uni friends, mum, dad) and the consensus seems to be to let him realise that he misses me and for him to get in contact.

I just worry that I'll be a long time waiting.

In other interim news, my Shakespeare module sort of fucked me over this week by announcing that, whereas in other modules it was acceptable to own non-recommended texts, with Shakespeare texts it is not as acceptable. It will "detrimentally affect" my studies. Because of the sheer volume of criticism and translation difficulties with Shakespeare. Now, if I had the money, I would have no problem buying the recommended Oxford/Arden/Cambridge versions. But I don't, unless I want to spend all of a week's budget on it.

Another point in the interim relates to uni again; one of the modules I was taking this semester was cancelled yesterday. This presents a problem because
1. I had already bought my books for Autobiographics
2. I like the books for Autobiographics
3. My budget is going to be destroyed by having to buy new books (see above paragraph)
4. There are not that many other modules that I wanted to do in the department.
5. This is the first week of Semester 2. It is more than likely I have missed any introductory lectures I was supposed to have.

The interim, ladies and gentlemen. Money, uni and men.

I wish I could say I was heartbroken and curled up on my bed but I'm not. But I'm not doing well emotionally, I guess. I don't feel like I'm feeling very much but that might just be my problems getting to sleep before 3am. Maybe. Or the post-exam cold that spreads around university and has hit Sheaf House at the minute.

Maybe I'm just too sensitive and need to harden the fuck up.
klena: (Default)
and all you see is where is you could be

dealing with the possibilities that will never happen and wondering why someone so similar to yourself gets chosen above yourself. the inabilty to be anything less than their mother, their support, their iron pillar when you are falling apart and wanting someone to stay with you that night, sleep beside you, hold you (not sexually because you know they don't feel like that for you)) and tell you that you'll be okay.

you struggle with the desire not to turn yourself inside out for them, not because they want you to, but because you wonder is maybe you do then maybe you'll be good enough.

simple words that cut to the core of your cells

there is no addiction strong enough for you - you are fated to pretend. in groups this is easier but when you are in a pair, you can't do it. Pretence fades and truth prevails, and o, how you curse it.
klena: (lost the light in everyone's eyes)

Oh how can it be, sweet mama tell me why
why all love's discipline's have to wither and die

Possibly the most pogniant, fucking awful and awesome song to hear just after finishing reading the next installment of the Unholy Verse by [livejournal.com profile] bexless: Staring Through The Demons. Anyone who spoke to me after I read the last one (I Have Been All Things Unholy) will know how much I flailed over it and was just ridiculously in love with it. So, due to my fucking wank week so far (little breakdowns that are more than just little and feeling lost and not wanting to speak/be/breathe) I've been reading it on and off.

However tonight I managed to sit down and read the last half of the fic (seriously, half of it) and I don't actually believe I've ever sobbed at a fic like that. Granted I had needed to sit and break and weep properly for a while but I was sitting, tears actually dripping onto my hands as I read the last quarter of the fic. And stopped at the end of it and just sobbed. Full on, head aching, chest hurting sobs.

I probably read sort of normally right now but I feel like I'm living in a state of emotional shock (thanks Julian) - a living dead doll. I'm not really here or there, i'm just....existing is not even a word for it at the minute. don't have the strength to sleep, to laugh, to work and dress up and study. it makes me feel like a doll with strings cut. Like Mikey at the end.

Something wouldn't leave my head yesterday

It's almost on the same level as a Shakespearean comedy: tales of love and fond deception except that those players can take their masks off - we can't because we are living it. There are no deus ex machinas for us, no chaotic last acts because that is not the way this great stage works. Standing to the side and painting-carving-pouring a facade onto your mask but it's too thin - too translucent to your own face so there is a sad truth to your face and no longer the easy smile. How sad that is.

klena: (her colour bleached by blood)
I came home from work feeling calm and soft and felt the warm pleasant buzz of happiness at being with an ex and sharing familiar touches that mean nothing but familiar and gentle.

We drove into our estate and this black cat was twisting and writhing in the air like it was being bitten by bugs or was a puppet being yanked in a bunch or directions. My dad and I laughed because it was a stupid sight - it was funny. We drove closer and saw that cat had been hit. Dad parked the car at the house and I got out, told him I was going over. He said "There's no point, the cat's going to die soon" but I just said little snatches of phrases that meant nothing but he understood.

I walked over to it and knelt down and stroked it's fur and it was dead. It was obviously someone's pet and the car that hit it (the carthatpassedusaswepulledinhome) didn't even stop. Oh God, my heart. And dad came outside after about 2 minutes and i came back in (because it was dead and there was shiny bright blood on the tarmac and one of it's eyes was out and blood on it's nose oh god). Dad told me mum had sent him to bring me back in. She told me to wash my hands and I did and I curled into her arms and cried.

Funny how your mood is destroyed.

That wasn't even 30 minutes ago.
klena: (awesome plan)
Supposed to be leaving for work in, oh, 10-15 minutes? I haven't even found my clean uniform yet.

HOW SO MUCH MADE OF FAIL, KATHRYN?

Although, on the plus side, Kev and I are both bringing our laptops into work tonight to exchange music and play our own stuff instead of the same This Is Middle Of The Road Generic Pop 67 or whatever it's called. It isn't actually that bad a compilation - it's just listening to it on repeat, all shift, 5 days a week means it gets a little old very quickly. Doesn't stop me singing along to Gym Class Heroes every time it comes on though.

Did not actually get to write any more of ZombieVampireBandom!AU fic last night as it was nearly 4 when i crawled into bed but I have been plotting! There will be more - oh yes, there will be more.

Okay. Now need to leave in about 5 minutes. /o\

SHIT

[edit] 555 entries!

[son of edit] using work wi-fi! good times! thanks mcdonalds! sometimes you don't suck as hard as i think you do!

[return of son of edit] /o\ BOYS WHY SO COMPLEX - WHY SO DETERMINED TO FUCK WITH MY MIND?
klena: (do not ask)
Cobra Starship at playing in Leeds next Friday (possibly saturday?) at Cockpit. And I am not there. Fuck D:

- - - - - - - - - -

X the movie really is just the epitome of "rocks fall, everybody dies" joke, right? I watched it before I went back to work on Tuesday and it was a little strange! Good going X. Way to kill everybody.

- - - - - - - - - - -

I have been reaccepted to Leeds and managed to change my course successfully! Score one for me! \o/

I didn't realise just how nervous i was until i had to get Matt to open the letter in work this morning.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

People! Charlotte Sometimes - worth listening to? Y/N?

- - - - - - - - - - - -

I am working closes for the next 4 nights. 4 nights of fucked up schedules. NOT SO MUCH MADE OF WIN WORK

- - - - - - - - - - - -

[livejournal.com profile] waxrose - i might need you to beta for me? Feel up for it?

- - - - - - - - - - - -

I am about to waste the wages i am about to earn over the course of the next few days on new clothing and bandom related things online and i don't care. Good times great days.

[edit] mum and I just have. good times great days. even though i think i've just bought a Panic At The Disco t-shirt I'm not going to fit into. D:
klena: (I'm trying my best)
OK so I failed my Japanese midterm.

But I have a boyfriend.

So I guess it's all OK really.
klena: ({Uni})
Well, I'm back.

Granted this is not the longest I've ever been away from LJ or the net, but I'm still back. And living in Leeds.

I should have fucking *tons* to say but I don't really. Maybe that has something to do with the fact that it's 1:30am but maybe not.

I'm in my halls and I have to say, it's been easier than I'd thought it would be. And I'm glad.

I had a good old weep once mum and dad left. And then another one whenever I found this letter and card my mum had snuck into my bag. It was lovely and touching and hurtful in the way I needed it too.

And I have tons to say about Matt because I sorta thought we were broken up due to a fight we had last week. And then him not coming out with me on my last night after me not seeing him since the Monday. That really hurt me - more than I thought it would.

But I think I'm still with him. Which is good and bad because I feel I should be slightly freer here but at the same time, I'm glad at the thought of it. Needless to say, if he doesn't keep his promise to visit me, there's going to be hell to pay. Especially as he 'misses me so fucking much.'

ANYWAYS ENOUGH ABOUT HIM.

I've met a bunch of neat people. I FINALLY met another Northern Irish girl after wandering around campus for days without having even heard of another N.Ier here. And there's a couple of cool people on my Japanese course that I'm getting close to and having fun with. And my flatmates are lovely. And surprisingly similar to me - by that I mean we all get on and we all have the same sort of taste in foods and similar attitudes to going out and the like. So is good.

I'm a bit worried I'm not smart enough to be here.

And the Japanese text books scare the shit out of me.

But I think I'm getting there.

Except that I have to sort out a clash between English and Japanese tomorrow but besides that!

So, did you all miss me? What's the craic?
klena: (believe in me)
I've been sorta absent, haven't I?

I'm sorry. I haven't meant to be. But it's the last day of a 6 day straight and I'm so tired. Oh God, I'm tired.

Your solitude is welcome, welcome
Your attitude is welcome, welcome
Your solitude is welcome, welcome
Your attitude is welcome, welcome

You are welcome
You are welcome


And I feel sad. I don't know why - I have no real reason for it.

I mean...

la la la random stuff over the weekend and how boys confuse Kathryn )

There is more to be said but I am yet to have food. And I need to get dressed as I need to head for work in, oh, 25 minutes?

I am fleeing now.

So, anyone who can offer me advice about boys - PLEASE DO.

xoxoxo
klena: (ignorance)
TIM~! I have booked my flights to Bristol and have a place to stay! So, I am DEFINITELY gonna see you at Expo~! Yay~! :D

In other news: 'The boy' and I are gossip in the Store. Isn't that funny? Good fun finding that out today, ha ha ha!

I am sick. I am suffering from 'being a girl' at the minute as well as having a really hacking cough and keep losing my voice as I talk....Which is great for working in a place where you need to call food and shout up to people. ^_^;;

Em...My room is a bombsite. Like, it's so not funny.

And, oh god, my girls were up the other night. Actually there is a story to go along with this.

On...Tuesday Brian was holding interviews for people to become Floor Managers, Training Crew and Shift Runners. There were about 4 or 5 of us going, me being the only girl. Interviews at 7:30 - 9 with me finishing at 7 that day. So Brian keeps asking me during the day who is coming to the interviews and if I'm going. I say 'yes'. Towards end of my shift (£2.20 up and a retraining slip later bollocks) Brian asks again and I say
"...Is there really any point in me staying?"

Long, confusing conversation short? No.

I still think I'm going for Training Crew but Brian was looking for people who'll be there for a good long while. E.g. unlike me. So...I mean, I saw his point - he was right.

But I felt better because I went into the crew room, 'the boy' was there and asked me if I was coming out for a smoke with him. (I don't smoke) So I said yeah, told him that I was just gonna change first. So we both went to the toilets (he needed to pee) and I was back in the Crew Room before he was. He seemed impressed at how quickly I changed my clothes, ha ha ha.

So, went out for a smoke then went to the shop with him. Came back. Sat with the girls in the store. Gossiped for a good hour. J.P from work sat with us for a while.

Gemma, one of the girls, asked when my interview was. I said "I'm not having one", leaning over the counter to talk to her. So she and a couple of others on the shift said they would have been behind me 100% for me going for anything like that. Which was lovely.

And then J.P. complemented me on my ass as he walked around the counter into the office. And so did 'the boy'. ^_~

But...yeah. Thoughts?

I think a lot. And close tonight. And then I am off. Hurrah.

'The boy' asked me if I was heading out this weekend and I had to tell him I wouldn't even be in the country. =D But I'm off on Friday - tomorrow, I mean. But I think he's working the close. Woe and emo~! :D

OK. I'm gonna get sorted for work now! :D
klena: (Blush)
Remember that post I made a few days ago about not being sure whether or not someone likes you?

...

Apparently he does.
klena: (Red)
It's not fair.

It's not.

No guy should be able to affect me like this! I knew it was him on the phone and I answered and just spent half an hour talking to him...Talking about it. I explained some stuff - he...I dunno.

Christ, I'm practically blushing.

ARRRGH

He wants to meet up on Saturday when he's in Downpatrick.

I'm definitely going to see him on Sunday at Ruth's leaving barbecue.

Arse. Arse bollocks tit. Fuck shit piss balls.
klena: (Red)
Do you know what? Fuck all this. I am going out to a pub quiz tonight, the girls are coming down tomorrow and said-male from earlier can go AND FUCK HIMSELF.

As I told D - who I am thrilled for as he passed his first year of uni! Well done [livejournal.com profile] donal - why can't I just have a guy who has the guts to come up to me and say 'I fancy you.' Why all the sneaking around? Why can't I tell anyone?

Bollocks to him. If he sends me anything more tonight, it's being ignored. I don't want to feel this way all night.

I'm friends-locking the previous entries for today. Purely for my own peace of mind and not just because he told me not to tell anyone. Balls to that. June is finding out if she rings.

MEN~!

I feel like such a girl

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