klena: (a virgin losing a child)
First day back at work.

Same old, same old. Bored for the majority of the day. Realistically, I need to pull my finger out of my backside and start updating my CV and applying for jobs.

Supposed to go back to the gym for the first time in months today, however Dave talked me out of it. To be fair, I was keen on getting home to open my Illamasqua order (new eyeshadows! Eyeliners! Etc!)

This evening I have done very little. Felt a little off kilter.

Spoke to my today about the news I got working on New Years, that a former colleague of mine suddenly passed away on the 27th. She was a woman full of fire and life. It seems so strange. And then another friend told me on Saturday that a mutual friend of ours had also died - implied that it was suicide. She's just written a private blog post, and I've had a little weep in my bed, thinking about him. Couple this with attending a wake for a 20 year old lad on Christmas Eve, and I've been in a weird place.

Sad and strange.

So I am sitting in my bed, about to watch a few "feel good" videos to make it easier to fall asleep and then read for a little bit.
klena: (Default)
So here's to the New Year. Did I spend it in a humble, contemplative mood - fine-tuning resolutions and the like? Did I bollocks.

I
- was woken up by Booker scratching my face
- fed the cats
- fell back asleep
- got up
- washed the dishes
- cleaned the oven
- sat, chatted and watched trailers with Dave and our neighbour Paul
- went to the shops to get food
- came home with carby, comfort food
- made and ate scrambled eggs and toast
- watched 1x02, 1x03, 1x04 and 1x05 of "Law and Order: Special Victims Unit"
- (napped briefly during on the episodes)
- watched "The Mask"
- dicked about online

Now I'm currently watching "Pirates of the Caribbean: The Black Pearl" with Dave and one snoozing cat.

Here's to the New Year
klena: (Default)

Trying to ensure I post semi-regularly and not just tweets! (although I manages every day bar one last month! Score!)

Life is being interesting. Something very big happened today but it's in process so I can't mention it yet. Although if all for well, I will be revealing all on Friday!

I hope people had a lovely Christmas, however you choose to spend it, and that you rung in 2013 in the way you wanted too.

Love love love <3

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

klena: (familiar faces and mixed up memories)
I had a day of annual leave today and it's turned out to be one of the best days I've had in a long time :)

Started the morning by just ignoring Dave's alarms until nearly 9:45am when the postman woke us up delivering some interesting new things and then not too much later, another delivery turned up with a new bed! Dave and I had been looking at new beds over the weekend and found one on eBay we really liked, but hadn't decided on buying it. So Dave had bought it secretely, thought it was going to turn up tomorrow when I wasn't at work and was going to assemble it for us :) What a fucking gem of a boyfriend I have!

So after these deliveries, we walked into town (in the absolute torrential pouring rain) and went to Johnny Fontanes. Oh God. Oh my god delicious food. American cheese fries, a lemon and herb chicken burger and a Root Beer float. It was amazing. And we've got another voucher for it so we are going to rock that joint. And by "rock that joint", I mean eat as much food as humanly possible.

Then - adult move time! We went to speak to a mortage adviser. I KNOW. ADULT MOVES! So we chatted with them about our chances for a mortage and what we needed to do to set us up in good stead when we finish saving our deposit (in the next 6-18 months hopefully!). I set up a new account to help our "internal credit rating"! ADULT MOVES OF ADULTHOOD!

We got home from all this, I helped Dave sort his orders out, I dicked about on the internet and nearly fell asleep before we built our new bed. NEW BED! And it's King-size motherfuckers! Come stay with us! You can cuddle with Dave and I, we promise we won't make it weird ;) Look at it, fawn over it like we have!



So we managed to finish that at 9pm and so we were naughty and ordered take-away instead of cooking dinner. It was totally going to be chausierre chicken and rice. But it takes an hour to make so we took the easy option.

Then I ordered a piece of furniture for me. We have no mirror and I don't have a lot of storage space for my jewellery and GROUPON HAD A DEAL FOR A MIRROR ARMOIRE :O Its like it was FATE. So I ordered me this bad boy!



Now I am cuddled in bed with my boy and I have work tomorrow, but only have a 3 day week to work and today was great. Yay :) ♥
klena: (like the blade you stain)
End of the working week!

Had another excellent Mother's Meeting with Em and Charlie last night with some mighty fine curry and then strawberries and cream for dessert. There were also serious talks about mental health and autism and the legal system! It's not always meaningless chat with us ladies!

We also discussed the plan for our epic night out. We're going to go somewhere nice for dinner, and doll up and then go on the piss. It will be epic. And it'll be the first time we'll have all been out together! Also, the first time I've done anything like that in a loooooong while, so I am excited :)

The tooth problems that I may or may not have mentioned in my last entry....oh no, I definitely did! Well, I was eating a Loveheart tonight (because my Granny loved them and insisted we buy them for her when we saw them and I was nostalgic) and the filling/repair the dentist did on MONDAY came out. WHAT. I paid you £47 to fix it and it didn't even last 5 DAYS. WHAT?!

Luckily for me, the dentist did actually file the tooth down so it's not sore but there is a MASSIVE HOLE IN MY MOLAR. My teeth are seriously out of make my life misery. Faiiiiiil :(

And I had made all these ~plans~ about how I was going to treat myself on my Friday night as I didn't go to Animesoc this week and won't be at Wendyhouse tomorrow with pizza and Diet Coke and then I thought it wasn't such a great idea. Then I went, fuck it half my mouth is still good, and I walked and got myself some motherfucking pizza. My life, ladies and gents. So hardcore.

There was a first promo shot of Tom Hardy released from "The Dark Knight Rises" as Bane! Here it is: Oh god, I am so easy for this man. His back! Look at the muscles! I ended up having a strange conversation with the manager of our local Forbidden Planet about our THardy fixations. It was wonderful.

This is currently how I feel, about work and just life in general:

Although I do not have ice cream like Mark. Sad face :(
klena: (the motion makes me strong)
I'm really tired with all the strain, and being on a knife-edge waiting for news. I honestly don't know what I would have done without [livejournal.com profile] rogue_dreams yesterday. That's a lie, I do, I would have had another mental breakdown or "episode" or whatever the technical P.C. term for it is now. She's amazing, I just couldn't ask for a better friend or soul-twin.

Royal Wedding tomorrow! Now, being Northern Irish, the Royal Family/Britain is a bit of a touchy subject just because of the politics and stuff. However! Hannah and Guy are holding a Royal Wedding party where there will be stawberries and cream and cake and booze and an indoor picnic (because the weather forcast is crap). I am looking forward to it, and seeing Guy and Han before they go off to Japan for a month.

A whole 4 more days off! April, you have been a strange month - fact.

Music inspired by a twitter conversation between myself, [livejournal.com profile] whitehaiku and [livejournal.com profile] adellyna about Jude who I have not listened to properly in about a year or so? Definitely before my laptop was stolen. But I had an urge today to put it all back on. Turns out buying the CDs in first year was an excellent life choice

In order to cheer myself up, and everyone else, have some Joseph Gordon-Levitt and his amazing face.

klena: (a virgin losing a child)
I haven't blogged properly in a few weeks because of the fucking extra-ordinary circumstances I now find myself in.

I'm not going to pour my heart out about it here, it's not the time or the place. And also, whilst I have a large circle of friends who I believe should all get to know what's happening, I don't want the additional stress of wondering who they'll tell and the potential judgement that comes with everything we say. So better to keep my mouth closed.

It's much easier functioning from day to day now, but I think that's only because there is no option for me to run away from the business. This is something that I have to get through, because burying my head in the sand would destroy something that a lot of time and effort and dedication has gone into.

It'll be a month on Friday, which is strange. I keep wondering if I've actually just cracked mentally because surely I, with my history of falling apart, should have had a proper breakdown by now? Although maybe that's what those first few days were.

In another way, it is nice to know that I do have inner strength. I always wondered if I did.

There is the possibility of big news next week which will give me a possible end date to work towards. I wasn't expecting any news on that topic for at least a month so it was a little startling to hear it today.

These past few weeks and everything that has come with them has made me think a lot about the nature of love and of being in love.

I love a lot, even though I feel like a twisted, bitter old crone sometimes. And I am a bit of a wretched person sometimes, I don't work hard enough to maintain friendships and I'm a hermit when things get hard, and sometimes I just can't be bothered. But I do honestly care and love a lot of people. I love some people that I know no longer think of me, I love people who I see everyday, and I love people I've never met.

But when it comes to Love and of Being In Love, well...

I always assumed that you just knew when you were in love with a person, that it was as obvious as the days of the week, as your very own hands stretched out before you.

And it's not like that at all, is it? Being in love is quiet, and catches you unaware when you remember - like a small gesture, the cupping of your cheek or seeing them breathe beside you at night or the look in their eyes that you half-catch. Being in love is a background thing, that waits to remind you patiently of its existence, like your distant awareness of your limbs during the day when you aren't doing anything crucial with them.

It's not fireworks and torrid passion and burning intensity, although those definitely do happen too. Yet those things happen when you're not in love with someone, you just think you are. Sadly, been there, done that and what a fucking mess that was!

Being in love makes me feel a little embarrassed to phrase it like that. It sounds soppy and overly cute or even borderline nauseating. But I know I am. Because he's made me better for being with him, and made me worse in some ways (but only in little things).

But possibly the biggest thing that makes me know that I must be in love with him is how I will do what needs to be done for us and the thought of our future together. And I'm doing it, without a mental breakdown (just mini flaps of distress) and without anger or resentment because I see this as something we need to do, a hurdle that needs leapt over (or a wall that needs climbing really) in order for us to move forward with our lives.

It's not easy. But I feel the end result is going to be worth it. And even if it isn't, and we don't last forever like we want to, I know I'll be able to say to people in years to come that yes, I was definitely in love at least once in my life and it was real and I wasn't misguided and it wasn't one-sided.

And that's enough for me, at the moment. So I'll wait and continue with everything, and keep living until all this is done, and then we'll get to move on together. And I think it's going to be fantastic.
klena: (a virgin losing a child)
Every word's a new regret if you say it right, right
Every wound can be forgotten in the right light
Oh nostalgia, I don't need you anymore
'Cause the salad days are over and the meat is at my door

They might try to tell you how you can live your life
But don't, don't forget it's your right
To do whatever you like, you like, you like, you like

'Cause they might try to tell you how you can live your life
But don't, don't forget it's your right
To do whatever you like, you like

'Cause you could be your own spotlight (a-yo, a-yo)
You could be your own spotlight (a-yo, a-yo)
You could be your own spotlight
You could be the star, you could shine so bright (a-yo, a-yo)
You could be your own spotlight

Depression is a little bit like happy hour, right?
So, it's gotta be happening somewhere on any (any) given (given) night
Oh nostalgia, I don't need you anymore
I just hope, my perfect stranger, that my kids look more like yours

'Cause they might try to tell you how you can live your life
But don't, don't forget it's your right
To do whatever you like, you like

'Cause you could be your own spotlight (a-yo, a-yo)
You could be your own spotlight (a-yo, a-yo)
You could be your own spotlight
You could be the star, you can shine so bright (a-yo, a-yo)
You could be your own spotlight (a-yo, a-yo)
You could be your own spotlight (a-yo, a-yo)
You can be your own spotlight
You could be the star, you could shine so bright (a-yo, a-yo, a-yo, a-yo)

'Cause I had a little bit of bad luck
No wonder this crumbling world's stuck
A little sweetness keeps just out of reach
'Cause compassion is something that they just don't, just don't teach, teach

'Cause you could be your own spotlight (a-yo, a-yo)
You could be your own spotlight (a-yo, a-yo)
You could be your own spotlight
You could be the star, you can shine so bright (a-yo, a-yo)
You could be your own, be your own (a-yo, a-yo)
You could be your own spotlight (a-yo, a-yo)
You could be your own spotlight
You could be the star, you could shine so
Shine so, shine so, shine so
Spotlight, spotlight, spotlight, spotlight
Spotlight
You could be the star, you could shine so bright (Yeah)
You could be your own spotlight 'c
klena: (;_; rorschach)
Dave selected Max and Mary for us to watch last night.

I wasn't in particularly excellent form to watch it. I felt angry at him for not meeting me halfway on the walk home and this week has left me feeling emotionally delicate and sensitive. I've cried quite a few times.

He selected this to watch together. It wasn't anything I'd heard of, I didn't even know it was a claymation picture.

It was wonderful. Strange and off-kilter and touching and it hit me closer to the bone that maybe anything else would have. I spent a good 40 minutes after the movie was over crying helplessly in bed.

I still can't explain it. Maybe because the ending movie spoilers here and personal information )
klena: (used to be the right one)
I am being naughty and posting from work because I have been here for a whole 10 hours now and I've still got 4.5 hours before I can leave work. Oh Tuesdays, why you gotta treat me so bad?

I actually have no ideas in mind for this journal entry, all I know is that I really should update with something other than twitter because I don't even tweet that often now due to the whole, y'know, 55+ hour working weeks now.

So. The update as it it.

I have been with Moulin Rouge now since the 14th June. Which I guess means today is my 3 month anniversary. Oh god, it feels longer. Maybe that's just because I'm here so much. In 3 months I've gone from working 25.5 hours a week to my near 60 hour load. It's strange. I don't mind it here, the pay is really good. However, I work 6 days a week and I don't feel like I have much of a life anymore. Maybe that's just due to it being summer and universities being broken up and the fact most of my peers have moved away from Leeds. :(

But it all starts again next week, and I'm one of animesoc's social secretaries this year. Which means one night a week of guaranteed socialising. Yes!

Today is my mama and papa's 25th wedding anniversary. It is strange and wonderful, I believe that two people can be together and married for so long. I know it's not easy. And that's why I think it's marvellous. Congratulations parents ♥

Dave and I are going home next week to spend 2 whole days there. We're celebrating the anniversary and the 1 month anniversary of my granny's death. It's strange to think like that. My mum offer me and Dave a place to stay in granny's. I couldn't even contemplate it. I think I'd just cry every minute I was in there.

I keep feeling quite lost and frustrated. This job is not a career for me. However the money is really good and I believe it'd be stupid to give up a non-exactly-taxing job for little better reason that frustration and disillusionment. Dave believes I need to do some retail therapy in order to see the benefit of all this work. The issue with that is that I don't have desire to spend. Or, more accurately, I don't have a strong enough to desire to spend on things I'd like.

Fail.

In other news, I am currently trying to keep a teenager from killing herself whilst at university. She's had some pretty horrific stuff happen to her through the course of her life and I'm bred from Caring Staff stock. Except I spend 4 hours on Saturday on the phone to her because she was depressed (seriously) and drunk. And whilst I want to help her, I cannot live her life for her and I cannot, will not molly-cuddle her. It won't help. I received a text last night telling me to tell her she had done wrong because she slept with a guy at uni last night and felt it was cheating on her ex/boyfriend who is IN PRISON for abuse. WHAT.

I keep getting frustrated because she won't accept help or acknowledge what's happened as not her fault. I want to ring some form of social services/suicide prevention because I just don't know what to do otherwise.

Wow, this is an amazingly cheerful entry. But may that's the way it is. I am happy. But somedays it's just a little harder than others. It's easier when I'm with Dave or busy with friends.

Life, eh?
klena: (;_; rorschach)
There has been chaos in my life once again.

I was due to be working from Monday until Saturday this week.

Yesterday at 3pm, Dave got a phonecall and walked out of his room. I rang the dentist to confirm my appointment for today. Dave came back in, silent, and moved me on the bed and wrapped himself around me. I hugged back and my phone rang with a call from my mum.

She got 20 seconds into the call before breaking down.

On Sunday (when I spoke to her) and on Monday (when I spoke to dad), they had told me that my granny hadn't been doing so well. Her health's been worrying all of us for a while but she was still going strong. Last week the doctor gave her really strong morphine tablets. They really knocked her for six. She wasn't herself and became acting as if she were drunk or stoned.

My dad didn't like her colour on Monday night.

She took a turn on Tuesday afternoon. My auntie Sue went to see her and couldn't get in the door. The boy from next door who does her messages said he'd shouted into her earlier and got no response. She was slumped in her chair.

They boosted him through an open window and he let them in. My dad was flagged down on the road as he was driving past. They rang the ambulance and got her on the floor.

She had flatlined by the time the rapid response and the ambulance was there. My mum arrived. Granny was making a rattling noise when she breathed. They brought her to hospital and got her back.

Mum rang Dave and then me. She didn't tell me that I had to come home but it wasn't an option. I sobbed and pulled clothes on and Dave told my boss what happened and came back to my house and helped me pack. He rang his dad to find out the next flights back to Belfast. We got in a taxi to the aiport. At 4.20 I bought a one-way flight to Belfast, leaving at 5.20. I was in bits. Dave held me and kissed me and tried to make me smile.

He told me he loved me for the first time as we walked to security.

I came home and got a bite to eat with mum and went straight to the hospital.

We were there from 7.30 until midnight.

They think she may have had a stroke. The right side of her face was droopy and her speech was slurred. She's on 98% oxygen. They believe she has pneumonia or a chest infection. If anything kills her, it'll be that.

My (great) Uncle Stan flew in from Peterborough a few hours after me and stayed at her side with my dad last night.

She woke up a few times yesterday when I was there. Most of the time her speech was unintelligble. She had a lucid patch with me and mum, asking why she was in hospital, was that Kathryn, what happened to her.

Later in the evening, she reached up and cupped my face and looked at me for a minute.

She also repeated a few times during the course of the evening, "I'm going to die."

That's all I have to say. I'm going back up to hospital now with my dad and we're going to sit with her again.
klena: (I create myself)
important announcement

so. i finished my exams today. i'm no longer a student. today had been a day of celebration.

2 hours ago i got a call from my housemate telling me our house had been robbed. they kicked the front door in, stole all our laptops and cameras and external harddrives.

dave and i taxied up just as the police arrived. my room was trashed, drawers opened and stuff everywhere. they'd even pulled my bed out so they could take the power supply for my laptop.

of all the stuff that they took, my pillowcases, my camera, my laptop and my harddrive, it's the harddrive i'm devestated about. my life was on there: the old 3GSL stuff, conversations with people for the past 5 years, my entire university folder, all 60 gigs of music and my art folder, filled with all 20 gigs of my memories, my photos.

i've stopped crying now. we've done what we can. the police are informed and luckily one of our neighbours thinks he saw the guys that robbed us. Because one of them was carrying a pillowcase that looked like it had a laptop inside. fucking suspicious or what.

so there's a description out and a report filled.

that doesn't mean much though. it doesn't change the fact our door was kicked off it's hinges. it doesn't change the fact that they've taken memories away from me. it doesn't change the fact that i walked into my room and felt violated. they went through my drawers. they overturned my stuff.

i'm at dave's now. i couldn't sleep there tonight. i checked my insurance policy for my camera. it doesn't cover being stolen. awesome. although mama denvir has told me theoretically my laptop should be covered by her insurance as it's technically hers.

i keep thinking. my poor housemates. whilst my work is over, the 4 of them have major exams on friday and exams all next week. fuck.

my suggestion is this.

i've lost so much of my memories with you lot. i've lost music shared and photographs and stories we've shared.

i'd like to ask, if people would be kind enough, for people to make me cds or dvds of stuff. photos. music. stories. anything, to help me regain some of what i lost. and regain some new things in the process.

would people be interested in helping?

even just...just talk to me. send me messages. i just feel. wrong.
klena: (she cried out 'so the story fits')
It's started.

Frustrated as fuck being home. My tongue is heavy with insults, my shoulders are tense with strain, my skin is itching with frustration.

This is not my home anymore. I knew this within a week of being home over the summer. I was only home for 11 days at Christmas but I felt it then too. That period was easier to cope with because there was Christmas and my birthday and people to see and gifts to be bought.

Being home now is like being forced back into a cage or into an outfit, shoes that you disgarded years ago because it wasn't you anymore, it didn't fit right, the shoes made your feet bleed.

I have no job here anymore, therefore the McDonalds crew barely remember my existence. My Jules is halfway around the world and she allowed me to breathe a bit easier because we both come back for the same reasons. I have few people here I have any desire to go out and see. I was never really attached to home when I was here, I had no circle or chains.

Dave is busy and we've not been much in contact but what could I say? I feel like crying down the phone with my frustration. This place isn't my life anymore. I love my family, I have to remember that, but they drive me mad. And they are my only contact here. (I do count Libby and June and Jenni as points of contact). Dave admitted he wouldn't spend 2 weeks at home. And maybe this is the last time I'll do this.

Next week will surely be better. There is the CAPAA scheme on for 3 days of the week, which will lead to more social contact and keeping my head busy. Then I have dad's birthday on the 12th and then Leeds on the 14th. But that's 14 days away from now. 14 days feels like it will drive me out of my skin screaming. It could be that I'm oversensitive and prickly because of the time of month.

Maybe I'll ask Dave to ring me tonight, a touchstone. But he shouldn't have to deal with my crazy. I've only been away 4 days.

Fuck.

This mood also brought to you by the news that if I want my lovely Creative Zen to work again, I have to fork out £231 because it's out of warranty but it wasn't when it broke. fucking idiot.
klena: (like the blade you stain)
This is a grumpy!kat entry, wherein I am certain I am going to feel sorry for myself.

Before all that though. In case you hadn't heard, Saints won the Super Bowl WHO DAT. Taylor, a mate from animesoc, streamed the whole thing from his laptop to his TV and drank over the course of the night. It ended about 5am here. Uni on Monday was a particularly unpleasant experience from what he tells me. Poor lad. I didn't watch the game but my thoughts were there, especially considering the joy it's caused [livejournal.com profile] blondiusmaximus

whiny whine mope feeling sorry for self nonsense )

To conclude: gripe, whinge, grumble, sour face.

Although, [livejournal.com profile] hartclanpaladin, I got your lovely letter yesterday. the teabag has not been employed yet, but it will be. Thank you so much ♥

Anyone else want to get in on the grumbles? Or the hug times. Because I am all about the hugs? Hugs?
klena: (storm in the form of a girl)
New icon post primarily. Lyn-Z is one of my girl-idols.

Strange interim place currently. Dave and I aren't talking or even texting because I'm pissed at him for letting me down after exams finished and he...well, I can only speculate as to why he hasn't been in contact. He's forgotten about me (in the way that things slip his mind regularly), he's focused on work, he hasn't thought about me. Speculation but feels like there's flecks of truth there. And that's hard.

I don't want things to be over with him but I haven't seen him in a week and haven't spoken to him in 6 days. And I know that's not long but when you live in the same city, it's hurtful. So I've raged and been down and cried about him but now I'm just nowhere.

When I'm trying to sleep, I think about us and my heart drops to my stomach but only when I'm alone in bed. When I think about him any other time, there's just a sense of blurry resignment somewhere. That makes it sound like I've accepted defeat with us when I haven't. I just don't know what to do. Hence the lack of communication. I've had talks with people (housemates, uni friends, mum, dad) and the consensus seems to be to let him realise that he misses me and for him to get in contact.

I just worry that I'll be a long time waiting.

In other interim news, my Shakespeare module sort of fucked me over this week by announcing that, whereas in other modules it was acceptable to own non-recommended texts, with Shakespeare texts it is not as acceptable. It will "detrimentally affect" my studies. Because of the sheer volume of criticism and translation difficulties with Shakespeare. Now, if I had the money, I would have no problem buying the recommended Oxford/Arden/Cambridge versions. But I don't, unless I want to spend all of a week's budget on it.

Another point in the interim relates to uni again; one of the modules I was taking this semester was cancelled yesterday. This presents a problem because
1. I had already bought my books for Autobiographics
2. I like the books for Autobiographics
3. My budget is going to be destroyed by having to buy new books (see above paragraph)
4. There are not that many other modules that I wanted to do in the department.
5. This is the first week of Semester 2. It is more than likely I have missed any introductory lectures I was supposed to have.

The interim, ladies and gentlemen. Money, uni and men.

I wish I could say I was heartbroken and curled up on my bed but I'm not. But I'm not doing well emotionally, I guess. I don't feel like I'm feeling very much but that might just be my problems getting to sleep before 3am. Maybe. Or the post-exam cold that spreads around university and has hit Sheaf House at the minute.

Maybe I'm just too sensitive and need to harden the fuck up.
klena: (but when the sun shines again)
So, I feel I really should have posted after my exam to just reassure myself that it was NOT that bad, even if the second essay may be complete bullshit depending on how the markers decide and that I was so hungry I was going to eat a FUCKING HORSE after the exam. Seriously, why is it I freak out so badly my stomach refuses to let me eat food only to kick up in the last hour of the exam? Not on, stomach, not on. I got so hungry I was going to ask the examiners would they accompany me to the vending machines and watch me stuff my face *____* loving on the junk food *___*. However I didn't. I do have SOME self-restraint....Really! I do!

But I ate and went down to Dave's, completely determined to come back to Sheaf House that night because I was not much fun, in a physical sense. Stupid ovaries! Why you gotta prove I'm not pregnant every month? Actually, screw that, never change, just try to stop fucking with my boy-time?

Of course, that is totally not what happened because after I got something to eat (OM NOM NOM MOTHERFUCKERS, I WAS PREPARED TO EAT A CHILD), I got down there and my brain was like cotton candy. Completely fuzzy and not firing on all cylinders. Dave thought it was sort of adorable. Especially when he insisted on giving me a back massage after I winced fucktons and moaned a little about my poor long-suffering back and my response was "noooooooo i have armpits like the amazooooooooooon :((( baaaaaadddddd". It was true though! That is just not nice!

Then we cuddled and watched a movie. I think. It is all a bit blurry! I do remember ordering chinese and not eating any of it after gorging myself. Then all of a sudden it was 1:30 and I had been there for 7 hours and was pretty much asleep and got a text asking if our mutual friend could stay in my bed if I wasn't planning to come home? So of course I stayed. Bullied into it and all.

Met up with my Lawyer!Emma and had lovely two hour chats and gossiped coming through the park on the way home about some things that were going to be this LJ entry but it is late and I am totally past fuctional coherence. Soon, my pretties.

Hayden, one of my fellow Sheafers and I went to Wendyhouse on Saturday night which is the biggest Alternative night in the North which was awesome. I dressed as a schoolgirl and straightened Hayden's hair! Except I got to Wendyhouse and danced a little too extravangtly with some Animesoc mates so when Dave arrived at midnight or so, I was only on the dancefloor with him for a little bit before my legs went trembly, my stomach started churning, horrific nausea hit and my vision started blacking out at the edges. I hate the way my body copes with Heat Exhaustion. I were far prefer just to faint without hurling my guts up first, thanks >/ So we came off the floor and were off the floor for a good part of the night because I felt quite rough. Stupid body fail.

Although it was not all bad. I met Hayden and Dave outside so I could get fresh air and Hayden could smoke and we stood chatting and passing idle stories and abuse outside for a good hour at least before coming in for the end of the night and dancing.

We ended up with the animesoc crowd again and think we raised a few eyebrows. Hayden was pretty drunk by the time we reached Wendyhouse so he kept pushing Dave and I together and flouncing away telling us to kiss. It was pretty random and hilarious. Except when we got back to Animesoc (and I molested me some [livejournal.com profile] spruce_moosk rude!), Hayden sandwiched Dave in between us and proceeded to sexy!grind on him. And then we swapped to sandwich Hayden. And then I sexy!danced and shook my pretty ample chest at several Animesoc members. Dave got a few looks that he interpreted as "are you going to freak out and get jealous at your girl grinding on everyone around you?" which he didn't. Because, sadly, he knows what I am like. I am all about shaking my boobies about.

Stayed at Dave's, worried about Hayden walking himself home but he was obedient and text me as he was nearly home so it was all okay.

The past few days have been filled with revising for my final exam on Thursday with Hayden, Hannah and our adopted-Sheafhousemate Leah in a valiant effort to NOT fail Narratives of Japanese Modernity without quite knowing what we're supposed to be talking about. Good times. The revision has also been punctuated with random outbursts of song, general madness, movie talk, cake making and being with awesome housefolk.

In conclusion, it has been not so bad these past few days. In fact, I'm feeling pretty lucky to have some of the people I do. Especially now I'm getting to know Leah better. She is hilarious and spunky and secretely a dork underneath her sarcastic exterior.

Speaking of schooling, I have very good reason to believe [livejournal.com profile] mikanfox started classes again today. I'm so thrilled for you darling, I hope it's everything you want it to be. I miss you and that boy of yours. I'm going to be better, I swear it to you.

New term starts on Monday. Sushi-foods with Dave are also before me. I'm planning to spring-clean my wardrobe and maybe start meditation. Things are changing for me. Things have changed for me. And that's okay.
klena: (listening to our apocalypse suite)
So, it's the beginning of December. I've been in Leeds for 93 days which seems like a stupidly short time when it's reduced to days. The State of the Union post is delayed once again because about 3 weeks ago my laptop shut itself off. It wasn't the first time it had done this but instead of coming back on when I tried about an hour later it has refused to show any signs of life.

I'm currently using my housemate's old laptop (love hannah ;_;) but it doesn't recognise my external harddrive when it's plugged in nor does it have the majority of my bookmarks saved to it. In other words, I'm making excuses for not being around.

Another reason for not being around yet again is due to final year. I'm not so much being raped by my degree as constantly being told "AGAINST THE WALL NOW" at multiple points over the last 10 or so weeks.

I'm doing okay though. I've just been going back over my few lj entries from the last year or so and realising just how things have changed for me.

. I'm with someone - granted, not officially but we are a couple regardless of titles. Sometimes we are practically in each others brains but we're doing okay for 7 months. It's the longest one man has been in my life. It's not easy - we both have talked about how it's not easy for us; he owns his own business and this is my final year of university but we do our best to make it work. And, in his own words about a month ago, he "wouldn't change a second of the last 6 months". He's been so good for me. Yes, it sucks having to fight to spend time with him but even if I head to his when he's working, I have nothing to do but work so I've been working far harder than I have done every other year I've been here at university.
. I'm off medications. Did I ever tell anyone that? I came off my medication sometime before Easter, as far as I can remember, because I wanted to try depression on my own terms and learn how to cope with myself when I am sad. And I've had a few patches. I was a ball of horrible venomous rage over the summer because I was working myself to death and I had a 'bad week' about two weeks ago where I had no desire to work, to eat, to get out of bed and I was just sad all the time. It's still lingering but I'm working hard to not let it cripple me.
. I'm actually working on my degree. Besides doing my core work, I'm reading beyond my module. I'm trying to make my brain better
. I don't have a job anymore. I quit Fab in April and got with Dave my last day. It's funny to say that because I was working last night to cover for everyone else but it's made life a little tougher regarding budgeting and in another way it's made things easier because I'm not stressing about working and losing my weekend because of late shifts.
. I'm not being creative. This is a minus for me but I haven't been overly creative in probably months. Tons of ideas for art bouncing around my head and the desire to flesh out characters and be more involved in online RPs but that's hard to do when you fight to spend time with someone and be a good housemate and not fail your degree.
. The end of that last point pretty much sums up my life actually. Being a housemate, being a partner, being a student.

Things aren't so bad. I'm still very hard on myself. I hate myself sometimes and god, I get so lonely other times and I feel like nobody cares about me. I need affection and to be reminded that people care about me except I can never ask for such things. And it's stupid and immature and a failing of mine. But maybe one day I'll be beyond it.

I was toying with the idea of New Years Letters. Would anyone be interested?
klena: (listening to our apocalypse suite)
So, we as fandom have been having a sucky week. Panic has split into two halves, Ryan Ross has photos posted of him hanging with faux-hipster girls and lines of coke and people have been leaving bandom. It's wank and I feel really wierd as i flew over to London to see Panic a year and a day ago and now i won't see that band in that incarnation anymore. It's weird and working the close after hearing it with "We're So Starving" as an unwanted constant earworm was uncomfortable (oh how it's been so long, we're so sorry we've been gone....We're still the same band)

In other news though, Amanda Palmer and Neil Gaiman are just an adorable couple - they make my heart happy :)

I need Amanda Palmer icons, she is one of my idols, honest to god. I so am dying to get my hands on the "Big Book of Who Killed Amanda Palmer" dammit!

So to make myself feel better and because everything is made better by pictures of kittens, i would like to introduce you to the latest additions to the Denvir clan! The little ones are about 3 weeks old now and i am madly enamoured with them. After the funeral suck and work suck of last week, watching baby kittens stumble around getting used to walking and seeing made an awful lot of things better.

I also passed my year! Got my results for the year so i had a 48 and 50 on two modules that killed me during breakdowns, a 55 and 60 in first semester core modules and a 64 and a 68 in this semesters exams! A 68!! that's a mark away from a 1st!! So i'm gathering my reading for next year and have Thomas Hardy, Virginia Woolf, D.H Lawrence, James Joyce and Bram Stoker all piled beside my bed at the bed. Lucky me!

Anyone got any questions for me?

Kittens! Beware the cute )
klena: (intellectual)
I feel like I have an awful lot to say about a number of issues that are pressing on me right now but I'm going to put this forward for your consideration until I've worked out the knots of my thoughts into a presentable weave.

Dissertation proposal! as;lkdf;sdlkflsdkfds/o\

Behold the outline of the topic, coupled with the tentative title The Times, They Are A-Changing: Society, Superheroes and Change in Graphic Fiction:

As children, we all grow up with some notion of superheroes – special people with extraordinary powers that regularly save the world from evil and have exciting lives and that we idolise. They are the first people we admire, these people who protect us from the world. Yet over the last twenty years, our culture has changed.

Society has gone thrown societal uprisings, wars, economical recessions, political scandals, and the rise of ‘celebrity culture’, international terrorism, natural catastrophes and acts of scientific progress.

We have watched as laws on relationships and human rights change the world, as topics such as immigration, homosexual marriages and social identity versus cultural identity become debates of everyday life.

As is to be expected, reading habits over this period have also changed leading to an uprising of graphic fiction becoming more socially accepted and integrated into a wider mainstream literary culture. The questions raised by this are endless: Why has this change come about? What have comic books offered readers that has initiated this new kind of reading behaviour? What commentary have the writers of these comics offered us on the world we live in (or the world they perceive we now live in)? Perhaps most importantly, what has happened to our superheroes?




in other news: why am i still awake at 7am?

[edit] re-edited the beginning
klena: (listening to our apocalypse suite)
Been texting tonight and talking about LA. Went back through my Travels photos folder on my harddrive and felt my heart throb against the ribcage.

I miss you all so much

<i>and the whole mess of roads we're now on

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