klena: (familiar faces and mixed up memories)
Got some interesting news tonight. 2013 is going to be a year of firsts, it seems! More details to come when I have them :)

Two more days of work before going back to the Nirish base!
klena: (because we'll be together)
So my plan was to go into Leeds and just wander around, enjoying the Bank Holiday. And I didn't because I am lazy. So I have been sitting online for nearly 6 hours, alternating between 9Gag, downloading Opera (Firefox just will not allow me to stream video without freezing every 30 seconds) and looking at jobs. Yes, jobs. I am being all responsible, aren't we all proud!

I also signed up for a Dreamwidth account because it seems like a lot of friends are getting dual journals/abandoning LJ after the latest palava with the commenting changes so I am there as Klena. Let me know if you guys are over there.

Then I created my 2012 resolutions. Most of them are quite grown up - get a job by the end of this month, start paying off my student loan, look at pension schemes, visit home more often. But there are creative things there too. I have one for my soul as well. But I think the best one I've decided upon is:

You know that confident, ballsy, "Fuck 'em", good looking young woman that people keep telling you they see? You are that person. Try not to forget it.

On New Years Eve a friend from Anime Soc told me she had had a little bit to drink but wanted to admit to me that when she met me, she had a crush on me because I was confident and secure in myself and wasn't afraid to stand up for myself/things I believed in. I was so flattered! And I forget that a lot, that the person I am socially is also me. I like her a lot, she's fun. And powerful. And people around me like her so I am going to remember that I'm fucking smart and silly and powerful and confident.

Even if I don't, fuck it. Fake it 'til you make it.
klena: (but when the sun shines again)
You know October, for being my favourite month, you sure have been a bit of a cow. It is nearly the end of the month and I feel a little lost as to where the time has gone.

I vanished because 2 weeks ago on Saturday, Dave's stepfather died. some medical information that might upset and the funeral )

So that was that. There was a wake afterwards at a nearby golfclub and I met a lot of Shirley's friends, Steve's family and various neighbours. Most of them knew me before I was introduced which was strange but everyone was lovely. We spent most of our time chatting with Dave's aunt, uncle, granddad, Jenny and Steve. We had a quiet dinner together that night, Dave, Shirley, Jenny, Steve and I.

The past few days have been filled with going out for walks with Walter, Shirley (and Steve's) black cocker spaniel, spending time with Shirley just talking and drinking lots of tea and seeing Dave's grandma. On top of that, we've been dealing with work as and when we've had some time at Shirley's. We've had aan issue with a Joker costume from our supplier and now the customer has cancelled the order. Customers demanding refunds for costumes they've returned STINKING of B.O. A US customer initating a chargeback for a Catwoman costume the day it arrives to her, stating it hasn't arrived. Ugh, I hate customers.

So pretty exhausting. We arrived back in Leeds last night and walked home. Climbed into bed and were asleep within 2 hours.

On top of all this, the Google Panda update a week ago seems to have completely fucked us up in website rankings. We were on the first page for most of our keywords and now we're 6 or 7 pages down. At the moment we're still doing okay because it's Halloween but after next week, it could seriously destroy the business. Dave's been pretty worried and really stressed unsurprisingly. The past two weeks have been a little tense - we've had two of the worst fights we've had since being together over the stupidest of things but considering the circumstances, it's not surprising. We're doing pretty good now with the funeral being done.

My plan now is to start searching for a job in case things do go tits up. We need at least one salary to survive on and two separate ones definitely isn't going to hurt. So updating my CV and applying for everything is on the list for this week. As Dave also pointed out, if I do get a job and I utterly hate it, there is still work for me to do with him. So that alleviates a lot of pressure.

Halloween's coming up and I'm completely unprepared. Unhappy face. However our local Co-Op is selling some huge pumpkins so I might treat myself to a pumpkin to carve and try baking or cooking with the innards. Anyone got any good pumpkin recipes?

I'm also trying to get my entries ready for the Joeyverse Cosplay Contest. The contumes are about 90% and 60% done respecitvely done. I just need to sort out time for Dave and I to shoot. Because he's my favourite and will only mock me a little for cosplay and tarting myself up.

Dave has now come in to bed so I am going to finish up and go to make myself a cup of hot chocolate before talking to mama Denvir and watching "Criminal Minds"
klena: (;_; rorschach)
I know I should be trying to sleep, but my mind just keeps turning over and over and it makes the night so much worse. My hormones are everywhere too, just what I need.

I can't help thinking about the fact that this time, one year ago, my Granny was still alive but slipping.

And in a few hours, it'll be a year since she died. So my mind keeps going places, like the conversations I wish we had or the fact that she rang all of us in the immediate family up on our birthdays to sing "Happy Birthday" down the phone to us (and I cried last year on my birthday when I realised that would never happen again) and the way her voice sounded when she sang and the cackly laugh she had. But I can't remember her voice.

And now people live in her house, but I still remember getting a phonecall from my mother and being in Northern Ireland in 3 hours to sit beside a hospital bed and watch my Granny get smaller and smaller, even if it was only for two days.

Plus then I get panicked, I mean, fuck, if I'm this bad about my Granny - what about if something happens to my parents? Just the thought of Mum or Dad dying instantly makes me cry. What would I do without my parents?

Fuck. Fuck. Anniversaries are hard and the day hasn't even started yet.

I miss her so much.
klena: (but when the sun shines again)
Looking back, it's been just over a week since my last proper LJ entry so I should probably pour my heart out or something equally obnoxious to counter-balance the Twitter feed.

It's been another one of those weeks. My crazy has been up and down like a fucking rollercoaster this week. Still fighting bureaucracy and getting nowhere. It's hard to think of all the hard work and tears that we've been through might not have sort of been for nothing. If I wasn't so ridiculous at looking after myself, I'd treat myself to a massage because my shoulders are up around my ears. But I'm not.

We have officially started the house-hunt for July and I saw our first property with [livejournal.com profile] rogue_dreams and Waz yesterday. Fuck, it was such a beautiful house but the top floor just let us down :( However! We have many another property to view over this week and I've made little notes in my Moleskin (thank you again [livejournal.com profile] kalidor) about each one that we think we're going to view.

It's all really exciting now that we've got the process going and sort of solidifies a lot of different things.
A new place for Dave and I where we can live sort of equally together (not that we don't already, but when you move into their place, it always feels a little like....you're coming into their space?).
Making sensible living choices (I feel) - besides living in Sheaf house during final year and then in with Dave, I haven't really made many of those with the people I moved in with. First year doesn't count because there was no choice in those ladies I moved in with (and no regrets there at all :D)
Moving in with an actual adult, responsible couple. A bit adult and scary but fucking thrilling too.
The end of these past few months. By fuck, am I ready to put the first half of 2011 behind me - behind us. And yes, I realise there is 2 months of 2011's first half, but wow. Seriously, the last few months have been more than enough.

I know that I've been a fucking nut job the last few months. My moods have had more twists than a Curly Whirly. And there's been a lot of dark times, it's been the roughest prolonged period of my life. But ha ha ha, doesn't everyone know about it! If I was stronger person, I'd try and hold to that lyric from The Shipped (Gold) Standard - "you can only blame your problems on the world for so long before it all becomes the same old song."

Mama just called and we spent another hour on the phone talking about all and nothing, she is awesome and I love her. Apparently she's insisting my brother learn to drive and his response to this news was "At least I can't be any worse than Kathryn". !!! Cheeky little bastard!!

Right, I have to be up early in the morning for some town errands and the like so I totally need to crawl (further) into bed and sleeeeeeeep


Mar. 31st, 2011 02:20 pm
klena: (Default)
Days ticking down, making lists to keep myself busy. Champion list maker, hopefully I'll get these ones finished before the return.

Have a poem, as it's nearly National Poetry Month. [livejournal.com profile] musesfool posted this around the start of th month, and I've had it open in a tab ever since. Gorgeous.

The Only Place

The only place a woman can go to be alone
is the bathroom.
A woman would like to be wrapped in strong arms
when she cries, without having to explain,
or huddle on the couch wrapped in a blanket and a cat.
But all over America, women crouch instead
on a white, cold monument to wasting water.
We lean against a chilled tile wall,
stare at ourselves in an icy mirror,
flush the toilet to cover howls and curses,
brush our teeth twice to cover the taste of anger.
We lock the door, fill the tub with hot bubbles,
take a long time shaving our legs and armpits,
study the way waves break over bulging stomachs.
We scour the sink and rearrange the bottles under it,
refold towels, throw away old prescriptions,
count bandaids and bottles of suntan lotion.
We turn out the lights, stare into candle flames,
light incense, try to pretend we've taken our troubles
to a glowing temple, placed them in the lap
of a smiling golden Goddess.

Outside, men who wouldn't know what to do
if a woman curled up in bed and cried
can relax before bloodless images on TV
and think, "She's only in the bathroom
doing some woman's thing."
Behind a locked door, a woman
spins the empty toilet paper roll
like a Tibetan prayer wheel,
chanting "Help me, help me, help me."

~Linda Hasselstrom
klena: (sunlight surrouds you)
The first big thing to say about this entry is:

It's only taken me nearly 9 years to get here, and has been stupidly helped out by crossposting of my tweets. I never thought I'd get to a point of 1000 entries! But here I am. Have some celebratory dancing .gifs!

I feel that adequately celebrates 1000 entries! I've been planning on writing this entry for about 3 weeks, but just haven't got around to it, or wanted to have a lot of good content and then I got distracted by lots of Inception fics so. Well. But I did go back and look at my very first LJ entry, oh my Lord.

I was 15, and this December I will turn 25. I honestly cannot believe how much has changed in that time. But then again, it was the period where people go through the biggest personality overhauls so it's not much of a surprise. It still was a little embarrassing, and also sort of sad to see me discussing people who aren't in my life anymore. But that's the way it goes.

I was going to do this huge thoughtful entry, but it's not really in my head, so instead I'm going to post a few little bits from the internet that have made me happy the past few weeks.

First! Poetry! One of Audrey Hepburn's favourite poems.

Unending Love by Rabindranath Tagore

I seem to have loved you in numberless forms, numberless times,
In life after life, in age after age forever.
My spell-bound heart has made and remade the necklace of songs
That you take as a gift, wear round your neck in your many forms

In life after life, in age after age forever.

Whenever I hear old chronicles of love, its age-old pain,
Its ancient tale of being apart or together,
As I stare on and on into the past, in the end you emerge
Clad in the light of a pole-star piercing the darkness of time:

You become an image of what is remembered forever.

You and I have floated here on the stream that brings from the fount
At the heart of time love of one for another.
We have played alongside millions of lovers, shared in the same
Shy sweetness of meeting, the same distressful tears of farewell -
Old love, but in shapes that renew and renew forever.

Today it is heaped at your feet, it has found its end in you,
The love of all man's days both past and forever:
Universal joy, universal sorrow, universal life,
The memories of all loves merging with this one love of ours -
And the songs of everypoet both past and forever.

How beautiful is that?

Second! An excellent quote from Tim Minchin that I discovered, when trying to find a download of his song "White Wine in the Sun" , which is a gorgeous non-Christian Christmas song. Here's the song on Youtube if you fancy a listen! White Wine In The Sun.

Anyway, he was discussing the controversy behind the song and was asked "Your song "White Wine in the Sun", which includes lyrics critical of Christianity, caused controversy last week in Australia when it was used on an album of Christmas songs sold to raise money for the Salvation Army. What's your take on the fuss?

I think the Salvos are idiots. I didn't know they would benefit from the CD, but by the time I found out I didn't want to make too much of a fuss. So I gave my song free, then they turn around and say that they don't agree with the sentiment of the song. Obviously, they are talking about how I think Jesus is not magic. Part of me is hugely outraged by what imbeciles they are, to bite the hand that feeds them and put their proselytising above charity.

It's a terrible paradox that most charities are driven by religious belief. I believe very strongly in giving only to secular charities, because I don't think there should be a back end to altruism. I won't make this mistake again. I tweeted that if people want to buy my version of the song independently, I'll give the proceeds away, as I did last year, to the National Autistic Society, a non-proselytising charity.

Christmas means much to billions of people who don't believe in Jesus, and if you think that Christmas without Jesus is not Christmas, then you're out of touch, and if you think altruism without Jesus is not altruism, then you're a dick.

What a wonderful sentiment, and really true. That last paragraph is the most important part, and the bit that made me nod and smile at the screen. It also doesn't hurt that the song is wonderful, and makes my heart just clench with joy listening to it.

Third and final! Who thinks today's A Softer World strip needs to be have an "Inception" re-imagining?

Fucking heartbreaking, but could turned into any pairing that people wanted. The first idea I had was a Mal/Cobb version, based on those arguments that Mal actually was right, and did wake up, and watches over Cobb as he lives in his dream!reality. Which also really works with the alt-text over the image: "Please don't leave me alone with our stupid children"

Yes yes?

To everyone who read this, well done! You deserve nice shiny things. Since it's been a 1000 entries, maybe I should start being more active with posting. If you still read my journal, then you should comment! Or let me know, especially if this is the only way you know me :)

klena: (a virgin losing a child)
I haven't blogged properly in a few weeks because of the fucking extra-ordinary circumstances I now find myself in.

I'm not going to pour my heart out about it here, it's not the time or the place. And also, whilst I have a large circle of friends who I believe should all get to know what's happening, I don't want the additional stress of wondering who they'll tell and the potential judgement that comes with everything we say. So better to keep my mouth closed.

It's much easier functioning from day to day now, but I think that's only because there is no option for me to run away from the business. This is something that I have to get through, because burying my head in the sand would destroy something that a lot of time and effort and dedication has gone into.

It'll be a month on Friday, which is strange. I keep wondering if I've actually just cracked mentally because surely I, with my history of falling apart, should have had a proper breakdown by now? Although maybe that's what those first few days were.

In another way, it is nice to know that I do have inner strength. I always wondered if I did.

There is the possibility of big news next week which will give me a possible end date to work towards. I wasn't expecting any news on that topic for at least a month so it was a little startling to hear it today.

These past few weeks and everything that has come with them has made me think a lot about the nature of love and of being in love.

I love a lot, even though I feel like a twisted, bitter old crone sometimes. And I am a bit of a wretched person sometimes, I don't work hard enough to maintain friendships and I'm a hermit when things get hard, and sometimes I just can't be bothered. But I do honestly care and love a lot of people. I love some people that I know no longer think of me, I love people who I see everyday, and I love people I've never met.

But when it comes to Love and of Being In Love, well...

I always assumed that you just knew when you were in love with a person, that it was as obvious as the days of the week, as your very own hands stretched out before you.

And it's not like that at all, is it? Being in love is quiet, and catches you unaware when you remember - like a small gesture, the cupping of your cheek or seeing them breathe beside you at night or the look in their eyes that you half-catch. Being in love is a background thing, that waits to remind you patiently of its existence, like your distant awareness of your limbs during the day when you aren't doing anything crucial with them.

It's not fireworks and torrid passion and burning intensity, although those definitely do happen too. Yet those things happen when you're not in love with someone, you just think you are. Sadly, been there, done that and what a fucking mess that was!

Being in love makes me feel a little embarrassed to phrase it like that. It sounds soppy and overly cute or even borderline nauseating. But I know I am. Because he's made me better for being with him, and made me worse in some ways (but only in little things).

But possibly the biggest thing that makes me know that I must be in love with him is how I will do what needs to be done for us and the thought of our future together. And I'm doing it, without a mental breakdown (just mini flaps of distress) and without anger or resentment because I see this as something we need to do, a hurdle that needs leapt over (or a wall that needs climbing really) in order for us to move forward with our lives.

It's not easy. But I feel the end result is going to be worth it. And even if it isn't, and we don't last forever like we want to, I know I'll be able to say to people in years to come that yes, I was definitely in love at least once in my life and it was real and I wasn't misguided and it wasn't one-sided.

And that's enough for me, at the moment. So I'll wait and continue with everything, and keep living until all this is done, and then we'll get to move on together. And I think it's going to be fantastic.
klena: (;_; rorschach)
Granny has just died.

We are preparing our house for the wake.

It sounds bizarre but if anyone has any Boogie Woogie music or tracks on their computer, can you please email them to me?


Granny wanted it played at her funeral.

[edit] i just dealt with a phone call because Granny's wrist alarm has been going off. Fuck. fuck
klena: (;_; rorschach)
There has been chaos in my life once again.

I was due to be working from Monday until Saturday this week.

Yesterday at 3pm, Dave got a phonecall and walked out of his room. I rang the dentist to confirm my appointment for today. Dave came back in, silent, and moved me on the bed and wrapped himself around me. I hugged back and my phone rang with a call from my mum.

She got 20 seconds into the call before breaking down.

On Sunday (when I spoke to her) and on Monday (when I spoke to dad), they had told me that my granny hadn't been doing so well. Her health's been worrying all of us for a while but she was still going strong. Last week the doctor gave her really strong morphine tablets. They really knocked her for six. She wasn't herself and became acting as if she were drunk or stoned.

My dad didn't like her colour on Monday night.

She took a turn on Tuesday afternoon. My auntie Sue went to see her and couldn't get in the door. The boy from next door who does her messages said he'd shouted into her earlier and got no response. She was slumped in her chair.

They boosted him through an open window and he let them in. My dad was flagged down on the road as he was driving past. They rang the ambulance and got her on the floor.

She had flatlined by the time the rapid response and the ambulance was there. My mum arrived. Granny was making a rattling noise when she breathed. They brought her to hospital and got her back.

Mum rang Dave and then me. She didn't tell me that I had to come home but it wasn't an option. I sobbed and pulled clothes on and Dave told my boss what happened and came back to my house and helped me pack. He rang his dad to find out the next flights back to Belfast. We got in a taxi to the aiport. At 4.20 I bought a one-way flight to Belfast, leaving at 5.20. I was in bits. Dave held me and kissed me and tried to make me smile.

He told me he loved me for the first time as we walked to security.

I came home and got a bite to eat with mum and went straight to the hospital.

We were there from 7.30 until midnight.

They think she may have had a stroke. The right side of her face was droopy and her speech was slurred. She's on 98% oxygen. They believe she has pneumonia or a chest infection. If anything kills her, it'll be that.

My (great) Uncle Stan flew in from Peterborough a few hours after me and stayed at her side with my dad last night.

She woke up a few times yesterday when I was there. Most of the time her speech was unintelligble. She had a lucid patch with me and mum, asking why she was in hospital, was that Kathryn, what happened to her.

Later in the evening, she reached up and cupped my face and looked at me for a minute.

She also repeated a few times during the course of the evening, "I'm going to die."

That's all I have to say. I'm going back up to hospital now with my dad and we're going to sit with her again.
klena: (but when the sun shines again)
Finally got all my results for my degree.

60 - Modern Literature
63 - Stories of the Eye
64 - John Milton
65 - Shakespeare
68 - Literature of the 1890s
70 - Narratives of Japanese modernity.

I scored nothing less than a 2:1 in any of my modules this year. It's such a change from last year when half my marks were 2:1s and the rest were lower.

I've got all my degree marks. I won't sit another undergraduate exam again. And this year, I was shit hot at my degree. I cried, I raged, I spent nights in the library reading but I did it. I got the degree classification I wanted.

I never would have done it without Dave, or my family, or my friends keeping me sane or letting me go insane for little bursts.

I managed it. I did it. I got a degree in English from the one of the top English departments in the country. And I am fucking proud of it.
klena: (Default)
my journal is 8 years old. happy birthday journal

we've been through a lot, some amazing times and some not so good times. through you i've made amazing friends, and i've lost contact with some.

let's make it to 10, ne?
klena: (told you i'd be here forever)
Moment of reflection.

I started this journal 27th May 2002.

By the 27th May 2010, this journal will be 8 years old. I will be 23. I will be finished my degree and awaiting results.

There is a part of me that really believes that Lucasta is a sort of Lady Shallot character. I'm not sure whether to run with that or not.
klena: (but when the sun shines again)
I've just realised something. Wednesday was the 2 year anniversary of being thrown out of LA. And my heart didn't stop and my mood wasn't suddenly low and I have been joking about the entire incident for a while now.

I only realised as I went back over LJ to sort out some tags.

I am going to get dressed up now and make some dinner and meet some of the Fab bunch who I have not seen in ages. Life goes on.
klena: (Default)
Awwwww, my little brother turned 17 yesterday. Where does the time go? *Goes all starry-googly-eyed* He's so sweet. And such an otaku. He wanted to buy the ENTIRE series of Evangelion but didn't have enough so I'd told him I'd go halfers with him once I got my compensation money* sorted.

*Compensation money - I had a car accident when I was ten, could have been killed so my mum claimed and I got money for it, which I came into in December and which I finally have claimed. I should be OK finance wise for Uni Year one, hopefully. I just have to get it into accounts and stuff.

So Matt bought the first Ghost In The Shell:Stand Alone Complex DVD which OWNS MY SOUL. Sorta. Sitting up until 3am watching it when you have a shitload of school work to do, is not clever, kiddies. But it is fun MOO HA HA HA HA ^_^

(Guess who's been on the Vanilla Coke and Easter Eggs today?!?!?!) <--- OMG, the abuse of innocent punctuation marks!

I also bought stuff. Such as 3 mangas. But first, when I was in London (was that REALLY a month ago?) Ashley and I ventured off to Borders, a wonderfully place where I almost cried. But there I bought Endless Nights, Tsubasa, Chobits 1 and Saiyuki.

Tsubasa was bought because my mum bought me XxXholic for Christmas and I fell in love. So I had to buy the cross-over manga. And I did. And am muchly happy.

Chobits was bought because it looked so cute. Also I saw Steph had done a piece of art of Chi which made me even more Curious. With a capital C and

Saiyuki was bought because Wyna mentioned it to me in her interview for my dissertation.

So I fell in love with these mangas, and XxXholic and Hellsing too, and now spend my money on them.

Saiyuki OWNS MY SOUL. (I bought the next one on yesterday) The pretty boys, the angst, the blood, the kick-ass-ery of it all. I sob with happiness. Thanks Wyna!(however my dad still thinks there's something dubious about manga, hardiharhar)

So, fanart eh?

No, Must - Do - ScHoOl - Work -

Eh. Instead, I'm here updating my journal and dying my hair again. It's the first time I'm doing it on my own so *Grins* hoping it all works out.


Fala and Donielle Hopefully we'll be in Orlando the first two weeks of August. I'm still trying to get good cheap flights, but around then. Then shall trousers be pounced?

Lipstick, love, how do you feel about chains? And bondage? On twins? *EVIL grin*

Joey um...I don't really have a real question...How are you doing dear? ^_^


OK, OK, I have to go wash the dye out of my hair. So...um, I shall let you know how I got on with the whole process. ^_^

OOoooHHH, new icons! NOOGIE LOVE

I'm so hyper.


klena: (Default)

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