klena: (the stars are falling from the sky)
Had one of those days where I've just felt kinda crappy all day. The jobs listed today were all for really technical jobs like engineers or paralegal/legal jobs which are completely WAY out of my field. Lovely housemate has emailed her recruitment firm for me to recommend me so I'm going to send them my email in the morning and then give them a call in the afternoon.

I just feel really disheartened and lonely and since I've come back from home, all I want to do is move back home. Which came completely out of left field really but the more I think about it...I think it's just because I'm always really concerned about my family and with both Mama and Papa D being diagnosed with high blood pressure and things, it just makes me really worry. And I want to be with my parents and get really annoyed at them for being tits and just get hugs from my mum when I want them and someone to play Rockband with.

I don't know whether I'm just having a delay in processing this year or I'm just in a slump but I rang my mum tonight and ended just having a bit of a weep on the phone to her. Which then I felt guilty for and apologised for because I didn't want to worry her. But all I really wanted was a hug from my mummy.

So I might just organise a few days home with the money my mum gave me for Christmas. I just. I don't want to feel this way. So I've been playing "Batman: Arkham Asylum" and I'm going back around the game and collecting all the Riddler things to try and stop thinking about iut. But. Well.

I'm sorry for whining. Have a picture of a cool as fuck cat.

klena: (;_; rorschach)
I know I should be trying to sleep, but my mind just keeps turning over and over and it makes the night so much worse. My hormones are everywhere too, just what I need.

I can't help thinking about the fact that this time, one year ago, my Granny was still alive but slipping.

And in a few hours, it'll be a year since she died. So my mind keeps going places, like the conversations I wish we had or the fact that she rang all of us in the immediate family up on our birthdays to sing "Happy Birthday" down the phone to us (and I cried last year on my birthday when I realised that would never happen again) and the way her voice sounded when she sang and the cackly laugh she had. But I can't remember her voice.

And now people live in her house, but I still remember getting a phonecall from my mother and being in Northern Ireland in 3 hours to sit beside a hospital bed and watch my Granny get smaller and smaller, even if it was only for two days.

Plus then I get panicked, I mean, fuck, if I'm this bad about my Granny - what about if something happens to my parents? Just the thought of Mum or Dad dying instantly makes me cry. What would I do without my parents?

Fuck. Fuck. Anniversaries are hard and the day hasn't even started yet.

I miss her so much.
klena: (a virgin losing a child)
Every word's a new regret if you say it right, right
Every wound can be forgotten in the right light
Oh nostalgia, I don't need you anymore
'Cause the salad days are over and the meat is at my door

They might try to tell you how you can live your life
But don't, don't forget it's your right
To do whatever you like, you like, you like, you like

'Cause they might try to tell you how you can live your life
But don't, don't forget it's your right
To do whatever you like, you like

'Cause you could be your own spotlight (a-yo, a-yo)
You could be your own spotlight (a-yo, a-yo)
You could be your own spotlight
You could be the star, you could shine so bright (a-yo, a-yo)
You could be your own spotlight

Depression is a little bit like happy hour, right?
So, it's gotta be happening somewhere on any (any) given (given) night
Oh nostalgia, I don't need you anymore
I just hope, my perfect stranger, that my kids look more like yours

'Cause they might try to tell you how you can live your life
But don't, don't forget it's your right
To do whatever you like, you like

'Cause you could be your own spotlight (a-yo, a-yo)
You could be your own spotlight (a-yo, a-yo)
You could be your own spotlight
You could be the star, you can shine so bright (a-yo, a-yo)
You could be your own spotlight (a-yo, a-yo)
You could be your own spotlight (a-yo, a-yo)
You can be your own spotlight
You could be the star, you could shine so bright (a-yo, a-yo, a-yo, a-yo)

'Cause I had a little bit of bad luck
No wonder this crumbling world's stuck
A little sweetness keeps just out of reach
'Cause compassion is something that they just don't, just don't teach, teach

'Cause you could be your own spotlight (a-yo, a-yo)
You could be your own spotlight (a-yo, a-yo)
You could be your own spotlight
You could be the star, you can shine so bright (a-yo, a-yo)
You could be your own, be your own (a-yo, a-yo)
You could be your own spotlight (a-yo, a-yo)
You could be your own spotlight
You could be the star, you could shine so
Shine so, shine so, shine so
Spotlight, spotlight, spotlight, spotlight
You could be the star, you could shine so bright (Yeah)
You could be your own spotlight 'c
klena: (;_; rorschach)
Granny has just died.

We are preparing our house for the wake.

It sounds bizarre but if anyone has any Boogie Woogie music or tracks on their computer, can you please email them to me?


Granny wanted it played at her funeral.

[edit] i just dealt with a phone call because Granny's wrist alarm has been going off. Fuck. fuck
klena: (;_; rorschach)
There has been chaos in my life once again.

I was due to be working from Monday until Saturday this week.

Yesterday at 3pm, Dave got a phonecall and walked out of his room. I rang the dentist to confirm my appointment for today. Dave came back in, silent, and moved me on the bed and wrapped himself around me. I hugged back and my phone rang with a call from my mum.

She got 20 seconds into the call before breaking down.

On Sunday (when I spoke to her) and on Monday (when I spoke to dad), they had told me that my granny hadn't been doing so well. Her health's been worrying all of us for a while but she was still going strong. Last week the doctor gave her really strong morphine tablets. They really knocked her for six. She wasn't herself and became acting as if she were drunk or stoned.

My dad didn't like her colour on Monday night.

She took a turn on Tuesday afternoon. My auntie Sue went to see her and couldn't get in the door. The boy from next door who does her messages said he'd shouted into her earlier and got no response. She was slumped in her chair.

They boosted him through an open window and he let them in. My dad was flagged down on the road as he was driving past. They rang the ambulance and got her on the floor.

She had flatlined by the time the rapid response and the ambulance was there. My mum arrived. Granny was making a rattling noise when she breathed. They brought her to hospital and got her back.

Mum rang Dave and then me. She didn't tell me that I had to come home but it wasn't an option. I sobbed and pulled clothes on and Dave told my boss what happened and came back to my house and helped me pack. He rang his dad to find out the next flights back to Belfast. We got in a taxi to the aiport. At 4.20 I bought a one-way flight to Belfast, leaving at 5.20. I was in bits. Dave held me and kissed me and tried to make me smile.

He told me he loved me for the first time as we walked to security.

I came home and got a bite to eat with mum and went straight to the hospital.

We were there from 7.30 until midnight.

They think she may have had a stroke. The right side of her face was droopy and her speech was slurred. She's on 98% oxygen. They believe she has pneumonia or a chest infection. If anything kills her, it'll be that.

My (great) Uncle Stan flew in from Peterborough a few hours after me and stayed at her side with my dad last night.

She woke up a few times yesterday when I was there. Most of the time her speech was unintelligble. She had a lucid patch with me and mum, asking why she was in hospital, was that Kathryn, what happened to her.

Later in the evening, she reached up and cupped my face and looked at me for a minute.

She also repeated a few times during the course of the evening, "I'm going to die."

That's all I have to say. I'm going back up to hospital now with my dad and we're going to sit with her again.
klena: (i heard a rumour)
It's nearly 2:30 in the morning
I've sort of been busy today
I'm still awake
even though
my brain and eyes are tired
not tired enough to curl under the duvet
I am awake
feeling alone
hurting in my heart cavity
someone who doesn't want to hurt me
seems to
end up doing it anyway
I don't know what to do
I sit here
try not to feel too miserable
it isn't really working
I am reading Pictures For Sad Children
to take my mind off my problems
it is not really working
klena: (;_; rorschach)
This should be my long overdue State of the Union post but it's not. It should be me apologising for abandoning my journal updates. But it's not.

On the 19th of March 2006 I posted a journal entry about my neighbour Margaret dying. And she left behind her husband of 49 years, Bert.

Bert died last night.

This couple were like my adopted grandparents and after Margaret died I made some time for Bert, but the expanses of time between these visits grew wider and wider until I didn't see him at all this summer.

And on my list of things to do, "write a letter to Bert" has always been near the top of the list. I always thought I had more time. I had the time, Bert didn't. So I finally wrote my letter to him today, in the Brotherton library. I told him about my life these past few months and how I was always going to be sorry for not being better at keeping in and contact and how I was going to miss him. I will, because he was a good man and I always put off the little visits to him. I'll never have a chance to visit him again and I'll never receive another letter from him and he'll never wave to me from his window as I travel down my road.

I have my regrets now and there is nothing to be done. These are lessons that I needed to learn and that I wished I didn't have to.

I sent my letter to him. If all goes to plan, it will go in his casket with him and be cremated with him.

He's at peace now. He counted the days since Margaret died and now he doesn't have to anymore, he doesn't have to miss that vital part of himself.

I'll miss him. I probably always will. And I'll always regret the things I never did.

But that changes nothing. So let me say this. I love you. I miss you. I read your journal entries even if I don't reply and I wish you all health and wealth and happiness. You make me glad to know you. And I'll miss you if you ever leave
klena: (the world carries on without you)
Taken from BBC Northern Ireland website.

River Lagan death not suspicious

The death of man whose body was found in the River Lagan on the outskirts of south Belfast is not being treats as suspicious, police have said.

The man's body was found near the towpath at Drumbeg on Tuesday night.

Police and the Fire and Rescue Service were called after a member of the public reported seeing the body, which has been recovered from the water.

At the time police said they were investigating the circumstances surrounding his death.

i know this man. my dad knew him from when they were about 17. he drew up a birth chart and astronomy reading for me when i was 6 weeks old. and now he's gone. found out last night. phone call from one of his friends asking had he met up with dad at the jeff beck gig. he'd taken his bike but not his wallet or phone. dad caught his description in an earlier article on the website around 2am.

i have now witnessed my dad cry three times in my life.
klena: (things we lost in the war)
This was going to be yet another emo-esq blog entry about me potentially having to leave university and my life and my housemate and money and not being able to work out when i was get to go home and how much i miss people and oh god, my friend's going to have a baby girl in about three months --

but it's not. Enough about me for a bit and how I have spent my night eating student food and watching Supernatural and faffing on the internet instead of working.

I've been awake so stupidly long becuase my sleepig schedule is messed up but for now, I am letting my introspection vanish with the dying dark (but maybe just for tonight).

Today (all days) are going to be about you, my list. This entry is for you. Vent in my comments about the injustices you are stuck with now, the little things you want to change, questions you have or a subject you want opinions on.

Let me know little things about you - the quirks that make you who you are and the little routines of your life. How do you take your tea/coffee? Do you have a specific way of arranging your music or your DVDs? What are you reading now? (what do you have on your shelf that you have been meaning to read for years?)

And indulge me and tell me a reason why you keep me on you list.
klena: (they withered all when my father died)
I had this huge emo blog in my head about everything in my life.

But i decided to not write it. Don't want to be a whore who unpacks my heart with words.

Next entry will be flailing about seeing Fall Out Boy at the MEN.
klena: (Default)
and all you see is where is you could be

dealing with the possibilities that will never happen and wondering why someone so similar to yourself gets chosen above yourself. the inabilty to be anything less than their mother, their support, their iron pillar when you are falling apart and wanting someone to stay with you that night, sleep beside you, hold you (not sexually because you know they don't feel like that for you)) and tell you that you'll be okay.

you struggle with the desire not to turn yourself inside out for them, not because they want you to, but because you wonder is maybe you do then maybe you'll be good enough.

simple words that cut to the core of your cells

there is no addiction strong enough for you - you are fated to pretend. in groups this is easier but when you are in a pair, you can't do it. Pretence fades and truth prevails, and o, how you curse it.
klena: (i'm not lost just wandering)
Fandom birthday. Right

Here's the story people - this is a lot of info about me and why I am really really shit at being a friend and why you should probably de-friend me.

what a wonderful charicature of intimacy )

There we go folks. More than you ever wanted to know about me.

So, (even if you didn't read the ramble), what I am proposing to do is not to postpone the birthday. I don't want to do that and I really want to do it. I'm just...taking my time with it, is that okay? Because I really want to do well by you lot and I want the gifts to be good and I don't want to give out slapdash presents. Because I adore you lot and want to do right by you. Is...I mean, are people okay with this?

And there we have it.
klena: (cracks in our foundations)
Okay so what do you do when you have a shitty night where you watch something die before you and feel the surge of bewildering helplessness? You also have 3-4 days on your own (including going to London alone) but not alone because family with you but they're blood and not the choice. Do you sit down and try and cheer yourself up with happy movies and GOOD TIMES?

Not if your name is KATHRYN. Instead you download The Stolen Earth and Journey's End (because you caught the first 20 minutes of 'Journey' in work on Saturday night and flailed pathetically about having to work and MISSING DR. WHO OH MY GOD KEV) and burn them to disc (with Magic Knights Rayearth) and then sit yourself down and watch them.

I watched both about an hour ago and am not going to say anything spoilery except DEI HURRY THE FUCK UP AND START MAINLINING THESE EPISODES OH MY GOD.

Oh God, my heart. It was awesome and heart-breaking and some bits made me angry and some bits could have been better and some bits were so fantastic and so right and I cried the last ten minutes. Like the massive sop I am. I loved the way previous threads came back into it (even if they were in ways that tore at my heart) and the Children of Time

And it makes me want to buy all the DVDs and mainline them with someone but I don't have any geeky Dr. Who/Torchwood mates nearby and fangirl about the series with but i know NO ONE HERE who is into it and I have no one to flail with. :(


!!!! Dr. Who
klena: (her colour bleached by blood)
I came home from work feeling calm and soft and felt the warm pleasant buzz of happiness at being with an ex and sharing familiar touches that mean nothing but familiar and gentle.

We drove into our estate and this black cat was twisting and writhing in the air like it was being bitten by bugs or was a puppet being yanked in a bunch or directions. My dad and I laughed because it was a stupid sight - it was funny. We drove closer and saw that cat had been hit. Dad parked the car at the house and I got out, told him I was going over. He said "There's no point, the cat's going to die soon" but I just said little snatches of phrases that meant nothing but he understood.

I walked over to it and knelt down and stroked it's fur and it was dead. It was obviously someone's pet and the car that hit it (the carthatpassedusaswepulledinhome) didn't even stop. Oh God, my heart. And dad came outside after about 2 minutes and i came back in (because it was dead and there was shiny bright blood on the tarmac and one of it's eyes was out and blood on it's nose oh god). Dad told me mum had sent him to bring me back in. She told me to wash my hands and I did and I curled into her arms and cried.

Funny how your mood is destroyed.

That wasn't even 30 minutes ago.
klena: (Default)

Fuck you too.

Stay with me folks. There could be rambling. [edit] there was.

I am in foul fucking form again. I completely and utterly suspect myself of my depression coming back in full force and just booting me in the metaphorical balls right now. I have felt wretched since I came home and have no one to talk to properly. Andy keep ringing me from Japan, bless him, but I can't even get it out to him because I don't want to burden him with the whining and the being miserable and the fact that today I woke up and thought I was going to crawl out of my own skin if I didn't either a) stop being myself and being in my own mind or b) go out and scream or dance or fight or fuck. And neither of those options are really me so of course I didn't and i feel worse for it.

My parents, of course, have noticed how not-myself and down I am again (because it is pretty obvious really, i am no master of subtlety) and I just want to lock myself away in my room and paint and draw and write and sing and create until I'm nothing more than a conduit and free from my own mind for a few hours. And of course I can't because I have no energy, no desire and the guilt guilt guilt that just buzzes in my fucking cells and stops me doing fucking anything productive. Not cleaning my room, not writing my journal, not scanning art, not writing letters, nothing. fuck. FUCK.

I don't want to be this way again but the look people get in their eyes (it's like sadness) when I mention maybe it wasn't a good idea taking myself off the medication early, not even 6 months into it and their voices that go all careful but, like, disappointed too. What am I supposed to do? People have their own lives - I don't want a babysitter nor do I need one but I'm not strong enough to live life at the minute. I'm not 'myself' enough to go back to work and kill kill kill myself serving people in McDonalds but I am broke and need the money to do things that I want to do, like go and sort Leeds out, go out for people's birthdays, see people.

What am I supposed to do? I'm doing something that should, in theory, make me happier tomorrow. I've gained weight since being away and have been told/ordered not to lose the weight because "i got so thin last year" but i was the weight i'm supposed to be i was happy that way, it felt good. And it's not a lot I want to lose, just enough to fit into a pair of jeans that i own without feeling fat or unhappy with the rolls over the top of the denim because, of course, i lost the weight and bought low-slung jeans because i like them. So i'm not happy with the way I look but i'm going to get my ears pierced again and get my hair done - when in doubt, stick a few needles into yourself and chop your hair, right?

ARGH I just want to be myself and to be in routine and have people talk to me because they are honestly happy to see me. I haven't really heard from anyone since i've been home and that's not anyone's fault. They've got lives, i know that and i respect that. I don't have an issue with that. I have an issue with feeling like a disposable friend - i sit and wait around like a marionette for someone to show interest, pick me off the shelf and pull my strings.

Then Uncle Stan rang on Saturday night (or was it Monday?) and I heard half the conversation whilst Matt and I cleaned the kitchen around mum. Stan was Eileen's wife - the one who died. And I hadn't cried. But I listened to mum talk to him and be practical and console him in her way "grieve and part of you will always grieve but remember what a woman she was and she's not in pain anymore" and they rang off. "He said 'my eileen, my eileen's gone'" she said to me and we worried (in the way we frowned and pinched our lips together) that he'll drown his sorrows in a bottle like he does and I just grabbed mum and hugged her and cried because she was Eileen and she's so much like my mum and oh god, my mum, when she dies, what am I going to do? I can't cope when Eileen - who I met only a few times and stayed with - dies, what am I supposed to do? And I cried and wanted to be a kid again and not have to think or cope with that. But i do have to and i have to get over it but i don't know how.

fuck. and it doesn't help that i am 99% certain that I have pulled muscles in my stomach climbing out of a chair tonight. fucking awesome. good times life. good times
klena: (why can't I stay?)
this time last year i got some news about someone i knew - sort of family that i had stayed with in england. when i found out last year i spent a few days upset about it and freaking out. when i went to go travelling i prayed she didn't die when i was away because i wanted to be there and to be around in case my uncle/great uncle needed me. and she had cancer and she was terminal and she's the same sort of person as my mum never stopped doing things or helping people and worked at a homeless day centre and was strong and practical and this like force of nature and she was wonderful and i sort of loved her.

she died yesterday.

might take a little longer to respond to people.

i can't believe this song has been stuck in my head for the last two fucking days and now i can't it hurts how much it fits and fuck fuck fuck
klena: (the bells do not ring any more)
You ever felt like there was a big black hole under your feet and you're standing on a little foothold in the middle of it but the second you waver or wobble or fall, that's it - you get sucked in but the hole extends above you and the black tingles and clouds and clusters at the base of your brain, seeping through it like liquid shadows and infringing itself on all your thoughts and you can't speak it, you can't tell anyone, you can just about manage to talk without in prising its way into your speech but you feel alone and battered and tired but you can't stop because there are things you need to do, things you need to work towards, so far to go, miles to go before you sleep?

klena: (beligerent teenager)
You know when someone asks to spend time with you because they need it and so you text them to find out if they want to spend that time with you and then they fucking FAFF the fuck about for hours which you really need because you have a 100% essay due in but you wait and wait before they tell you maybe in a few days and you tell them fine, later?


ARGH FUCK WHY NASm,kl;kasd;alsjdf;kljamsd,

I am NOT in a good mood. I am sorry.
klena: (this is my pain)
I want to let people know.

i don't know if i'm going to be allowed to continue doing my degree in Japanese.

i had a meeting with the head of department.

i think i've started crying at least 10 times so far today. i have also dented the wall of my room by hurling a glass tumbler at it.

i don't know what to do.

i don't - fuck.

fuck fuck fuck.

i just. In case i get all snappy and stuff if you talk to me. i don't mean it.

i'm so sorry. I'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry.

[edit] ha. hahaha. exactly 6 months in Leeds. ha ha ha.
klena: (sorrow drips into your heart)

In the past 24 hours or so I:

- Had a meeting with the head of the East Asian Department to be told how concerned they were with my Japanese marks and that I'm failing. I didn't really hold it together.

- Had an early birthday party in my flat wearing a pretty dress

- Got a text message from Matt saying 'I've something I need to tell you' - luckily I had no money on my phone and wasn't too drunk to say 'I'm dealing with this tomorrow. Being broke up with? I think so.

- Been dumped. More on request

- Lost the keys to my flat. That would be at least £60 replacement. (Found now - locked in someone's room)

- Got locked out of my bank card - the only source of money I have in Leeds - by an Cash Machine that fucked up with my Secret Santa presents to buy, late accomodation fees to pay, surviving over the weekend, the cinema to go to for our flat girly night on Friday and getting home on Monday.

I haven't even been able to break down properly because people have been around me all day trying to stop me from doing it. I just need to fall apart slightly. And now I can't - I'm just. Well.

Needless to say - I've had better days.


klena: (Default)

April 2017

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