klena: (i would gladly stay an afterthought)
My New Years Resolutions

everybody wants to change the world, but no one - no one wants to die. )
klena: (;_; rorschach)
There has been chaos in my life once again.

I was due to be working from Monday until Saturday this week.

Yesterday at 3pm, Dave got a phonecall and walked out of his room. I rang the dentist to confirm my appointment for today. Dave came back in, silent, and moved me on the bed and wrapped himself around me. I hugged back and my phone rang with a call from my mum.

She got 20 seconds into the call before breaking down.

On Sunday (when I spoke to her) and on Monday (when I spoke to dad), they had told me that my granny hadn't been doing so well. Her health's been worrying all of us for a while but she was still going strong. Last week the doctor gave her really strong morphine tablets. They really knocked her for six. She wasn't herself and became acting as if she were drunk or stoned.

My dad didn't like her colour on Monday night.

She took a turn on Tuesday afternoon. My auntie Sue went to see her and couldn't get in the door. The boy from next door who does her messages said he'd shouted into her earlier and got no response. She was slumped in her chair.

They boosted him through an open window and he let them in. My dad was flagged down on the road as he was driving past. They rang the ambulance and got her on the floor.

She had flatlined by the time the rapid response and the ambulance was there. My mum arrived. Granny was making a rattling noise when she breathed. They brought her to hospital and got her back.

Mum rang Dave and then me. She didn't tell me that I had to come home but it wasn't an option. I sobbed and pulled clothes on and Dave told my boss what happened and came back to my house and helped me pack. He rang his dad to find out the next flights back to Belfast. We got in a taxi to the aiport. At 4.20 I bought a one-way flight to Belfast, leaving at 5.20. I was in bits. Dave held me and kissed me and tried to make me smile.

He told me he loved me for the first time as we walked to security.

I came home and got a bite to eat with mum and went straight to the hospital.

We were there from 7.30 until midnight.

They think she may have had a stroke. The right side of her face was droopy and her speech was slurred. She's on 98% oxygen. They believe she has pneumonia or a chest infection. If anything kills her, it'll be that.

My (great) Uncle Stan flew in from Peterborough a few hours after me and stayed at her side with my dad last night.

She woke up a few times yesterday when I was there. Most of the time her speech was unintelligble. She had a lucid patch with me and mum, asking why she was in hospital, was that Kathryn, what happened to her.

Later in the evening, she reached up and cupped my face and looked at me for a minute.

She also repeated a few times during the course of the evening, "I'm going to die."

That's all I have to say. I'm going back up to hospital now with my dad and we're going to sit with her again.
klena: (I create myself)
important announcement

so. i finished my exams today. i'm no longer a student. today had been a day of celebration.

2 hours ago i got a call from my housemate telling me our house had been robbed. they kicked the front door in, stole all our laptops and cameras and external harddrives.

dave and i taxied up just as the police arrived. my room was trashed, drawers opened and stuff everywhere. they'd even pulled my bed out so they could take the power supply for my laptop.

of all the stuff that they took, my pillowcases, my camera, my laptop and my harddrive, it's the harddrive i'm devestated about. my life was on there: the old 3GSL stuff, conversations with people for the past 5 years, my entire university folder, all 60 gigs of music and my art folder, filled with all 20 gigs of my memories, my photos.

i've stopped crying now. we've done what we can. the police are informed and luckily one of our neighbours thinks he saw the guys that robbed us. Because one of them was carrying a pillowcase that looked like it had a laptop inside. fucking suspicious or what.

so there's a description out and a report filled.

that doesn't mean much though. it doesn't change the fact our door was kicked off it's hinges. it doesn't change the fact that they've taken memories away from me. it doesn't change the fact that i walked into my room and felt violated. they went through my drawers. they overturned my stuff.

i'm at dave's now. i couldn't sleep there tonight. i checked my insurance policy for my camera. it doesn't cover being stolen. awesome. although mama denvir has told me theoretically my laptop should be covered by her insurance as it's technically hers.

i keep thinking. my poor housemates. whilst my work is over, the 4 of them have major exams on friday and exams all next week. fuck.

my suggestion is this.

i've lost so much of my memories with you lot. i've lost music shared and photographs and stories we've shared.

i'd like to ask, if people would be kind enough, for people to make me cds or dvds of stuff. photos. music. stories. anything, to help me regain some of what i lost. and regain some new things in the process.

would people be interested in helping?

even just...just talk to me. send me messages. i just feel. wrong.
klena: (used to be the right one)
I have my Shakespeare exam on Tuesday and I am currently failing at studying.

I don't know how to study for this exam. The last Shakespeare exam I studied for was my A-Level "King Lear" exam and that was easy because we're studied one play for a semester, so the play was solid in my head, all I needed to learn was quotes.

I don't know about this exam. We have 3hrs 15 minutes to write 3 essay answers. 1 is an extract question and the other 2 are wider essays questions. Including the extract question, I have to write on 4 plays.

I feel like I don't know what to write about. The plays I've chosen to revise (because studying all 8 was never going to happen), I'm uncertain about. What if I get questions where I can't link two of the plays together? What if all the little bits and pieces I know about Shakespeare and the other plays I won't be revising won't be enough to save me?

I'm stressed, but not in a good way. I am procastinating, spending my time on the internet, not doing anything productive. I feel sad and disconnected from everything. I feel like I don't have anyone right now. I feel like the people I call my friends, that I am a bother to them. Dave is away to see his family this weekend and there's some serious stuff going on there. I don't want to be the pathetic girl who needs her head patted and loved and reassured. But I am, at least at the minute.

I'm supposed to be going out tonight with all my house and our friends because it is Leah and Becky's joint-birthday celebration, but I can't muster the energy for it. I haven't even been able to drag myself to the shower and I've been awake for 4 hours.

I feel out of the world. And I don't know what to do.

I need to shower and revise and put on clean clothes. Let's see if I can manage that
klena: (she cried out 'so the story fits')
It's started.

Frustrated as fuck being home. My tongue is heavy with insults, my shoulders are tense with strain, my skin is itching with frustration.

This is not my home anymore. I knew this within a week of being home over the summer. I was only home for 11 days at Christmas but I felt it then too. That period was easier to cope with because there was Christmas and my birthday and people to see and gifts to be bought.

Being home now is like being forced back into a cage or into an outfit, shoes that you disgarded years ago because it wasn't you anymore, it didn't fit right, the shoes made your feet bleed.

I have no job here anymore, therefore the McDonalds crew barely remember my existence. My Jules is halfway around the world and she allowed me to breathe a bit easier because we both come back for the same reasons. I have few people here I have any desire to go out and see. I was never really attached to home when I was here, I had no circle or chains.

Dave is busy and we've not been much in contact but what could I say? I feel like crying down the phone with my frustration. This place isn't my life anymore. I love my family, I have to remember that, but they drive me mad. And they are my only contact here. (I do count Libby and June and Jenni as points of contact). Dave admitted he wouldn't spend 2 weeks at home. And maybe this is the last time I'll do this.

Next week will surely be better. There is the CAPAA scheme on for 3 days of the week, which will lead to more social contact and keeping my head busy. Then I have dad's birthday on the 12th and then Leeds on the 14th. But that's 14 days away from now. 14 days feels like it will drive me out of my skin screaming. It could be that I'm oversensitive and prickly because of the time of month.

Maybe I'll ask Dave to ring me tonight, a touchstone. But he shouldn't have to deal with my crazy. I've only been away 4 days.

Fuck.

This mood also brought to you by the news that if I want my lovely Creative Zen to work again, I have to fork out £231 because it's out of warranty but it wasn't when it broke. fucking idiot.
klena: (told you i'd be here forever)
Moment of reflection.

I started this journal 27th May 2002.

By the 27th May 2010, this journal will be 8 years old. I will be 23. I will be finished my degree and awaiting results.

There is a part of me that really believes that Lucasta is a sort of Lady Shallot character. I'm not sure whether to run with that or not.
klena: (but when the sun shines again)
I've just realised something. Wednesday was the 2 year anniversary of being thrown out of LA. And my heart didn't stop and my mood wasn't suddenly low and I have been joking about the entire incident for a while now.

I only realised as I went back over LJ to sort out some tags.

I am going to get dressed up now and make some dinner and meet some of the Fab bunch who I have not seen in ages. Life goes on.
klena: (like the blade you stain)
This is a grumpy!kat entry, wherein I am certain I am going to feel sorry for myself.

Before all that though. In case you hadn't heard, Saints won the Super Bowl WHO DAT. Taylor, a mate from animesoc, streamed the whole thing from his laptop to his TV and drank over the course of the night. It ended about 5am here. Uni on Monday was a particularly unpleasant experience from what he tells me. Poor lad. I didn't watch the game but my thoughts were there, especially considering the joy it's caused [livejournal.com profile] blondiusmaximus

whiny whine mope feeling sorry for self nonsense )

To conclude: gripe, whinge, grumble, sour face.

Although, [livejournal.com profile] hartclanpaladin, I got your lovely letter yesterday. the teabag has not been employed yet, but it will be. Thank you so much ♥

Anyone else want to get in on the grumbles? Or the hug times. Because I am all about the hugs? Hugs?
klena: (collision is such an ugly sound)
so far 2010 has sucked for me. i have already cried and sleep seems miles unlike my sleeping companion. regardless.

here is what i wish for all od you, as articulated by the eloquent Neil Gaiman

May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you're wonderful, and don't forget to make some art -- write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself.

...I hope you will have a wonderful year, that you'll dream dangerously and outrageously, that you'll make something that didn't exist before you made it, that you will be loved and that you will be liked, and that you will have people to love and to like in return. And, most importantly (because I think there should be more kindness and more wisdom in the world right now), that you will, when you need to be, be wise, and that you will always be kind.


As I now have 11 days and roughly 10 hours to write 7,000 words (two essays, 1 being worth 100% and the other being worth 50%) I can almost guarantee I will be on LJ a little more before these deadlines as I am procastinator extraordinaire.

To come, (hopefully), a post on Sex that I mentioned in passing to [livejournal.com profile] hybrid_xisha, a Resolution list and a Reflection post about 2009 and the decade that has passed.
klena: (;_; rorschach)
This should be my long overdue State of the Union post but it's not. It should be me apologising for abandoning my journal updates. But it's not.

On the 19th of March 2006 I posted a journal entry about my neighbour Margaret dying. And she left behind her husband of 49 years, Bert.

Bert died last night.

This couple were like my adopted grandparents and after Margaret died I made some time for Bert, but the expanses of time between these visits grew wider and wider until I didn't see him at all this summer.

And on my list of things to do, "write a letter to Bert" has always been near the top of the list. I always thought I had more time. I had the time, Bert didn't. So I finally wrote my letter to him today, in the Brotherton library. I told him about my life these past few months and how I was always going to be sorry for not being better at keeping in and contact and how I was going to miss him. I will, because he was a good man and I always put off the little visits to him. I'll never have a chance to visit him again and I'll never receive another letter from him and he'll never wave to me from his window as I travel down my road.

I have my regrets now and there is nothing to be done. These are lessons that I needed to learn and that I wished I didn't have to.

I sent my letter to him. If all goes to plan, it will go in his casket with him and be cremated with him.

He's at peace now. He counted the days since Margaret died and now he doesn't have to anymore, he doesn't have to miss that vital part of himself.

I'll miss him. I probably always will. And I'll always regret the things I never did.

But that changes nothing. So let me say this. I love you. I miss you. I read your journal entries even if I don't reply and I wish you all health and wealth and happiness. You make me glad to know you. And I'll miss you if you ever leave
klena: (birds are free and i am caged)
So i am shit at this blogging-keeping-people-up-to-date-with-my-lfie but i've been pretty dull for a while now and i feel like i've slipped away from people hence my lack of blogging because i feel people don't want to read it and blah blah blah spiral effect.

Also, another reason for the lack of blogging is that, for about 4 weeks now, my timetable has been:

10am - drag self out of bed
11am until 3pm - summer scheme (mum's offical charity!!) with autistic children. anywhere between 13 to 31 kids per day
3:20pm - arrive home, find work uniform
4pm until ~12am/1am - close shift at McDonalds
~2am/3am - finish buzzing from close and sleep
10am - drag self out of bed.

....and repeat. so, with the except for a 5 day excursion back to Leeds last week to see Dave (i am such a girl- there is a total entry about all this new couple like sort of being with someone milarky to be discussed), that is my life. And the non!summer scheme days, i.e. the weekend, there is a 8 hour McShift to be had and a nap afterwards usually. So, my free-time is pretty non-existent (hence writing this at 2:40am when i really should be trying to sleep)

But!!!! I quit McDonalds on Sunday. Yes, after 3 and 1/2 years (seriously, you get less time for murder), I decided I could not hack the job and the twatty staff and the consistent annoying customers and the lack of life and the lack of study time and the crippling conscientiousness that just constantly dicked me over during working and wanting to cry during/after/before shifts, I couldn't do it anymore. I have hated roughly 70-80% of the shifts I have worked since being back - that's not...it's not healthy, right?

So I quit. Two weeks notice and i will no longer be a McCorporate Slave. I feel like it should a huge thing as McDonalds was when I started to grow up. It was my first job, where i first obtained a real social life outside my schoolfriends, made me grow up, showed me what i could maybe do, gave me my first "boyfriend" -- it was a lot of firsts for me. And i still love a lot of people there. But....but. I don't feel anything at the minute. Strange, right?

A question now - leaping from topics like a mofo. I put photos of Leeds up on facebook some of which will be under the cut below but....Dave's ex-girlfriend, Steph (who i get on really well with and has always been nice to me but is still, y'know, Dave's ex-of-3-years) 'liked' this photo of us



....is it just me being a little strange but...i can't help but think that's a little weird, right? i mean, is it weird to 'like' a photo of your ex and the girl he's seeing obviously being sort of together? or is it just me?

more leeds photos beneath the cut - bunch of us went out to dress up for dave's business at our bar, so photos abounded. plus, one of the two of us. feel free to shy away from the saccarine sentiment.

wholly interesting cut text about something very intellectual and possibly involving a pun )

in other words: i miss you, i love you, i read your entries but i understand if you just glance over mine now. but you're still in my thoughts more than you might think.
klena: (listening to our apocalypse suite)
So, we as fandom have been having a sucky week. Panic has split into two halves, Ryan Ross has photos posted of him hanging with faux-hipster girls and lines of coke and people have been leaving bandom. It's wank and I feel really wierd as i flew over to London to see Panic a year and a day ago and now i won't see that band in that incarnation anymore. It's weird and working the close after hearing it with "We're So Starving" as an unwanted constant earworm was uncomfortable (oh how it's been so long, we're so sorry we've been gone....We're still the same band)

In other news though, Amanda Palmer and Neil Gaiman are just an adorable couple - they make my heart happy :)

I need Amanda Palmer icons, she is one of my idols, honest to god. I so am dying to get my hands on the "Big Book of Who Killed Amanda Palmer" dammit!

So to make myself feel better and because everything is made better by pictures of kittens, i would like to introduce you to the latest additions to the Denvir clan! The little ones are about 3 weeks old now and i am madly enamoured with them. After the funeral suck and work suck of last week, watching baby kittens stumble around getting used to walking and seeing made an awful lot of things better.

I also passed my year! Got my results for the year so i had a 48 and 50 on two modules that killed me during breakdowns, a 55 and 60 in first semester core modules and a 64 and a 68 in this semesters exams! A 68!! that's a mark away from a 1st!! So i'm gathering my reading for next year and have Thomas Hardy, Virginia Woolf, D.H Lawrence, James Joyce and Bram Stoker all piled beside my bed at the bed. Lucky me!

Anyone got any questions for me?

Kittens! Beware the cute )
klena: (every starfall brought you to tears)
i will never be good at goodbyes. not even temporary ones (two month temporary ones). he made me smile through my eyes leaking but that didn't stop them leaking. i hate this, hate that my eyes leak and i've never had someone i've said goodbyes to like this and it hurts, in the back of my throat and the bottom of my lungs and the surface of my eyes.

it's the summer, i always have to leave in the summer but this may be the first one i've wanted to stay somewhere that wasn't home.

i never want to be good at goodbyes.

and fuck you Zeppelin for having stupid semi-appropriate songs with semi-appropriate lyrics for me feeling like this

and fuck you iTunes for playing it
klena: (every moment you rise)
It's stupid - it's idiotic for a fic to get me this introspective and to feel this ache, a genuine every-cell-in-your-chest-cavity--is-cramping ache but it's a good thing. Introspection is something I lack except for little moments of wisdom - tiny pearls choking me before falling from my lips - and late nights with too much time spent alone. Like now, I guess.

I spend half my life caught between two distant thrummings of emotion: young and eternal and fuck this, i have forever; needing nothing more than smiles and laughter and stupid moments at 3am where nothing makes sense but something lock-clicks in your chest and time is not a concept at all, it's a thing, a rock wall against which the waves of happiness break and scatter before forming all over again.

The other is this thrum beneath my skin and bones and nerves, where i imagine the soul lays, jittering and shaking and anxious, too-fast breathing and hyper-aware of thhe world, that i may not get chances like this again and wanting to do something. Maybe not amazing or world-changing or even remotely life-changing but moments that will shine brightly for a few years or that will become ensnarled in the web of old memories when i get older until something shines a light upon it and it will no longer glisten like it did, but merely pulsate with an inner glow of something that i cannot recreate or recall anymore. The feeling of the entire world changing and the stupid Sublime terror and beauty of that moment.

The need to be with someone; to fuck, to argue, to scream at, to laugh at, to brush the hair from your eyes, to text you at random intervals in your boring day and turn the ventricles in your heart separate and bleed sunlight and giggling, ridiculous joy into your chest, to cause you to clench your fists and roll your eyes and repeat the same stupid cliches your parents utter about the young/the opposite sex/best friends/enemies/society.

There is no reconcilling this. Song writers will always sing about these two contrary states. Writers will always tie the concepts and use them, place the heart of the idea beneath the words on the page. People will know the ideas but will never acknowledge them consciously but they will always be there, like a song on a radio just a little too faraway to make out anything more than the fact there is a melody playing.

I am terrified. I will lose people in my life due to my own faults, due to theirs, due to life tearing us apart. Or I will lose them because life changes us, one by one the seasons change you as The Acorn puts it, or because life leaves us.

So I am sitting here, trembling, knowing that there are moments like this coming the rest of my life, that one day someone else will live in this room and it will never be the same and in some other life I will never think back to this place, this time again.

I don't make promises to anyone now. This is not a moment of self-actualisation and change. I will let you down. I will forget the important things I should remember. I will be cruel. I may vanish and not think of you and blithely do things that you think I should not.

I won't be sorry because I won't realise what.

I won't swear to be kind because it is more than likely that this moment, the throb, will vanish from my veins sometime soon and my good intentions will fade.

I cannot cut my brain from skull and these ideas and memories and half-formed notions of love I have for you or the little sparks that crackle with overwhelming happiness at the fact that you - you - are in the world cannot be extracted in order to for me to show you them.

But there will be moments that I'll never tell you about - moments where I will be still and think of you and the world will blossom with the possibilty of things I could do for you or for those you love. And maybe in some other life I will have done them.

An extract - the part of the fic, the words that provoked this and broke my heart. )
klena: (cause it's not simple I can go on living)
I AM HOME!

Expect a lengthy update and replies to comments in maybe a day when I am used to my time-zone again, ha ha ha!

:D

Also! People I met with! I am still being bullied by my journal - so, do you remember the date we did things? Like, what days we went out to eat and where and stuff? Help a sister out, yeah?

Now to bully mum again about where ALL MY POST FOR THE LAST 5-6 MONTHS IS. :D

♥ ♥ ♥

[edit] ALSO! As I am going to be downloading all my images and stuff and am loving taking pictures right now request three things for me to take photographs of!
klena: (i'm the one who loves you best)
So, introspection, right?

I've been thinking about myself since I started travelling. I had a really rough patch last year with my depression - I was told by someone close to me once I got to Japan that my course had seen just how low I was and thought I wouldn't be able to pull myself back from just how low I was. But I did and he, as well as many others, told me how wonderful it was that I did it. Even Andy, my best friend, had doubted just how I would recover. He told me that many people wouldn't have fought to get out of the situation, the fog, like I did which I did because it was what I was taught to do.

Then I went to Japan, and I developed relationships. I had really serious indepth, horribly adult talks with people about issues I had, problems in our relationships, about my own personal fuck-ups with not communicating and we worked them out. We talked about them and our relationship changed in a good way. Which I had never imagined.

I realised, over the course of the past few months, how important the people I have are to me and just how much I need them and how I've slipped out of touch.

I realised, during my stay in LA, that I love to learn or rather just how much I had loved to learn, that I miss being the intellectual I used to be; reading books, watching movies, discovering new bands to listen to, new fandoms, talking and debating.

I like the person I am at the minute. Granted, I still fuck-up. I make mistakes. I don't ask for help when I know I should but I am cutting down the gulf-times. I am still a mess of problems but I'm working on them.

And I've had some amazing experiences since I've been travelling and I don't want them to go to waste. I want to take these last few months as well as the few in front of me, and have a really fantastic time and grow and change and just my travels as a starting point for the person I'm going to be.

I want you with me as I do this. Yes, you. Even if we've fallen out of contact/never really spoken/have just met/adore each other/don't talk like we used to but still enjoy moments of togetherness.

I want you to help me change. I want you to educate me in the things you know. I want you to tell me the movies you think *everyone* should see, even if you think everyone's already seen them. The books that changed your life - the songs you sing that never fail to cheer you up - the little bit of fandom that you've just discovered that you want to learn more about.

I want you to tell me these things. I want you to tell me about yourself. I want us to become closer again. And I, for my part, will try to also educate. I'll let you know, as I learn, what matters to me, the bands I love, the movies that are amazing, my views and what I think about on idle Tuesdays.

So, let us start moving - let's become close again. Let's talk and enjoy being young and have fun and learn and grow, because we want to.

Thank you
klena: (which country next?)
Alright.

I'm not sure where to start from with all this. I'll just pick a random point. Actually, fuck it. I know where I'm starting.

This year - as people may have gathered from some of my journal posts and emo-ridden MSN conversations - has been rough on me. My entire world's been expanded by university and it's wonderful but it's dark and there's a lot of new stuff I have to deal with now because of it. Which is just a part of life.

Just before I came home from Leeds I received another email from Dr. Rose's office - she's the head of the East Asian department and was in my Japanese oral exam along with Morimoto-sensei, telling me that they were worried about my marks in a particular area of the module and wanted to discuss with me. Now, the previous 3-4 meetings I've had with Dr. Rose have gone along the lines of "You're a lovely girl, you're obviously intelligent but we don't think you have the capability to do this course and maybe you should think about changing it. Because of the not-passing-first-semester and all."

So this meeting didn't fill me with an awful lot of confidence. I went to it after a very bad freak-out to discover Morimoto-sensei and Oeda-sensei were also there. I, however, managed to hold it together throughout the meeting which is something I hadn't done during the last ones as the following news was relayed.

I passed Semester Two - meaning I passed all of Basic Japanese Year One - meaning I passed first Year.
They still want me to leave.

So.

I've been thinking about this - the majority of people that I'm really close to are on the Japanese course with the exceptions of my flatmates. Ex-flatmates. And they're all going to be in Japan next year.

I've been lost. But after going through tons of choices I've made a choice. I could have gone to Japan on my own, organised it and stayed on the course. But I could have failed and then been even more fucked over. Plus I'm £1400 in debt already, my parents are beyond broke and there's no way I can pay my debt as well as raising between £6000-£8000 over this summer to fund the year.

I could go back in September to do Second Year English even though I averaged 2:1's this year with little effort put in. (I do realise that first year is easier and that marks are easy to get but it's like breathing to me - there's no real challenge to it, y'know?)

I could change courses.

I could go back in First Year in September however, if I continued doing English I'd have to do other modules and they're amazingly dull to me. So that sounded like pulling teeth out.

Which left me with this choice.

I'm taking another year out. I'm going to earn money and then - and this is the point where everyone reading this comes in - I want to travel.

I plan to go to Japan and see the guys - maybe spending my 21st birthday there.
I have family in Australia and New Zealand I could ask to take me in.

And then there's America. And Canada. And Europe. You guys.

I realise that this is so fucking cheeky of me. But I want to see you. I want to visit and sit with you all and talk and see where you live. And maybe live for a bit myself.

These are my questions to you, my darlings.

If I came to your country, your town - could you put me up for a while?

How easy would it be for me to get a temporary job in your area?

How much is the cost of living?

Would you want to see me?

Is this a stupid plan?

Do you have any advice for me?

Please help me out. This is something I want to do. I think it's what I need to do - I want to grow, I want to travel - I want to see things - I want to see you. Please - PLEASE EVERYONE READING THIS REPLY. Please

I can do this on my own and just travel from place to place. But I'd prefer a little support. Please let me know.
klena: (Default)
I am moving out of my room in 3 hours.

I have not slept properly in a while.

I have so much stuff.

I have so much to say.

Ask me about this year if you wish - I'll be so open with you.

I don't really want to go back home - is that awful?

I need some support I'm afraid
klena: ({uni})
Still not quite finished English essay. I lose at life. D:

But I have a question! Which volume of Sandman is this quote from:

But he did not understand the price. Mortals never do. They only see the prize. Their heart's desire, their dream...But the price of getting what you want is getting what you once wanted.

Also, any quotes about being stuck or unable to move on (esp. references to "Great Expectations") would be amazingly loved upon. ♥

POETRY.


I would like to give you the silver
branch, the small white flower, the one
word that will protect you
from the grief at the center
of your dream, from the grief
at the center. I would like to follow
you up the long stairway
again & become
the boat that would row you back
carefully, a flame
in two cupped hands
to where your body lies
beside me, and you enter
it as easily as breathing in

I would like to be the air
that inhabits you for a moment
only. I would like to be that unnoticed
& that necessary.

~ Margaret Atwood, Variations on the Word Sleep

Wow.
klena: (thoughtful)
It melts my reality and roams my heart....I don't need a reason for wanting to meet you.

I feel like reaching out - expanding beyond where I am but I don't want to be a bother to the people I want to reach to. Does that make sense?

Wakarimasen. Is that spelt right?

I think I did OK in my Hirigana test today. I forgot 'hi' and that fucked me off slightly because it's so distinctive and then we had to translate words into hirigana. Except I didn't know how to write ch. So.

But considering yesterday I couldn't have even attempted that test? I was well impressed. And so was Andy (who tutored me for 4 hours.) And then, instead of going to the library after class like I planned to, I ended up sitting with him and Hannah for over an hour.

And...it's a weird friendship we have. I mean...not in a bad way, Gods no. We're just...open with each other. Like, I feel I can tell him things and I'm not afraid of sounding stupid and it's. It's. Comfortable. comfortable. That's the word. Like it's always been like that and we can swing from a stupid dorky conversation right into a deep one and then become stupid again.

But anyways~!

I am in the mood to draw and write but...I keep going to and it just...fizzles out. Hovers on the edge of my perception. Where is that from...?

But..

Hm.

Oh point! I remember. I'm gonna start letters again. I mean, I have one I've been writing to my darling [livejournal.com profile] waxrose for AGES now. But yeah. Ping me if you want a letter.

I feel weird. Had my first English seminar today and I just...forgot how much I enjoyed debating and letting my mind work intellectually and find references and realising how I perceive things etc etc. Having said that I totally missed the homo-eroticism in 'Vathek' - what is wrong with me? Hahahaha!

Right. Let's go rewrite English notes. Ahoy!

[Edit] Hahaha, so I re-read my user info and it's out of date quite a bit. So I'm gonna re-write it and was looking for CRITICAL DEFINITIONS OF WHAT A KATHTRYN/[livejournal.com profile] klena IS~! If you'd please. I'll even accept she's a banana that requents the corners of Red Light Districts throughout the world. ♥?

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