Cat purring

Jan. 6th, 2015 11:56 pm
klena: (because we'll be together)
Not a lot to say today. I felt shit, the closest to being depressed for a long time. And I know it's because of all the recent deaths. Plus I'm hormonal, and Booker woke us up at 5am, being a brat.

So I took the afternoon off work, because I wasn't in the right frame of mind being there.

Slept, Dave made dinner of veg soup and garlic bread.

Watched some TV. "Broadchurch" returned really strong, looking forward to following that. "Sleepy Hollow" was disappointing, much like most of the last series. I may have to drop it, which is sad when the first series was so excellent.

Cleaned up, sorted some cupboards and took down the Christmas decorations. Not a lot more to say.
klena: (storm in the form of a girl)
Sunday night, sitting on my lonesome. Dave's due back shortly and I'm being frustrated by the streams of "Supernatural" letting me down. I just want to catch up! Technology, what you gotta hate me?

It's been a strange weekend. Both busy and not so. I went out for a delicious meal for Ash's birthday where I foolishly ordered a jug of mango lassi. And drank it. All 8 glasses. To say I waddled to the pub to meet some other friends is a vast understatement. I waddled. In heels. I hope you all feel my pain. But we flaked out early (Dave to go to a mate's house to watch the football and me to go home and lounge around) and once I arrived back, I had this burst of energy. At 11pm. I spent the next 2 hours putting wash loads on, cleaning the kitchen and living room, folding and putting away two other loads of washing and straightening up the bedroom. Sometimes I worry about this whole being an adult thing.

Further proof about this adulting thing? That above paragraph reminded me that I hadn't put our duvet in the tumble dryer. adulthood :O

Drifting into geek territory today: I finished reading "Ouran High School Host Club" today. It feels a bit like the end of an era, I think it's been about 3 years that I've slowly been collecting it. There aren't very many full series I've collected. I think "Chobits" and "xXxholic" are the only other complete ones I own. I liked it, the Hikaru/Tamaki endgame was pretty apparent for a long while. I still loved it though. And the little touch towards the end with Hikaru and her father where he mentions how proud he is of her. There's been a lot of little sections throughout the series where I've teared up. Nothing's quite made me cry like some of the sections in "Fruits Basket" though. And I still haven't finished that either!

Right, I've been half-writing this for two hours. I need to go shower and my clothes ready for work in the morning. Toodles!
klena: (but when the sun shines again)
Man I love weekends. I realise why weekends are so cherised by, y'know, everyone. I can go to bed whenever I want! I can get up whenever I want! (although, Dave woke us up at 8:30 yesterday morning because he is a moron who set an alarm and today he woke us up at 7:30 because of, well, reasons, but I just rolled over and went back to sleep.)

So weekends are ace. I know because work weeks are so busy I should be trying to do everything else I haven't managed to do during the week then but I just don't care! Laziness, bring it to me! Today, I
- put on a clothes wash
- cooked Sunday dinner
- tidied our bedroom a bit
- read some "Avengers" fic
- dicked about on the internet a LOT
- watched "Prometheus"
- watched "Expendables 2"
- painted my nails
- talked to my mum

....and that's it! LAZY DAYS!

Dave bought an iPhone on Thursday so it arrived on Friday, I had a play with it and I bought one on Friday. Ebay - iPhone 3gS 16GB - almost brand new - £100. Considering I spent £70 on my current phone 2 years ago and it's started not holding charge, I feel good about this. And I had been "hmmmm"-ing about it for a good couple of months so I did it! BAM!

The one thing I do query is how to get all my information off my phone to transfer onto the new phone. Technology! Help me internet, you're my only hope.

In other life things, I went out yesterday day time with Dave to an event so I went all out with makeup and a little black dress (coupled with underbust steel-boned corset, suspenders, stockings and heels - naughty!). But wearing nighttime make-up during the daytime is difficult! I did my make-up for going out yesterday and I think it worked pretty well! Here's me at 9pm after putting my make-up on at midday! Not bad, right? And I only had to touch up my lipstick twice?

klena: (used to be the right one)
klena: (familiar faces and mixed up memories)
I had a day of annual leave today and it's turned out to be one of the best days I've had in a long time :)

Started the morning by just ignoring Dave's alarms until nearly 9:45am when the postman woke us up delivering some interesting new things and then not too much later, another delivery turned up with a new bed! Dave and I had been looking at new beds over the weekend and found one on eBay we really liked, but hadn't decided on buying it. So Dave had bought it secretely, thought it was going to turn up tomorrow when I wasn't at work and was going to assemble it for us :) What a fucking gem of a boyfriend I have!

So after these deliveries, we walked into town (in the absolute torrential pouring rain) and went to Johnny Fontanes. Oh God. Oh my god delicious food. American cheese fries, a lemon and herb chicken burger and a Root Beer float. It was amazing. And we've got another voucher for it so we are going to rock that joint. And by "rock that joint", I mean eat as much food as humanly possible.

Then - adult move time! We went to speak to a mortage adviser. I KNOW. ADULT MOVES! So we chatted with them about our chances for a mortage and what we needed to do to set us up in good stead when we finish saving our deposit (in the next 6-18 months hopefully!). I set up a new account to help our "internal credit rating"! ADULT MOVES OF ADULTHOOD!

We got home from all this, I helped Dave sort his orders out, I dicked about on the internet and nearly fell asleep before we built our new bed. NEW BED! And it's King-size motherfuckers! Come stay with us! You can cuddle with Dave and I, we promise we won't make it weird ;) Look at it, fawn over it like we have!



So we managed to finish that at 9pm and so we were naughty and ordered take-away instead of cooking dinner. It was totally going to be chausierre chicken and rice. But it takes an hour to make so we took the easy option.

Then I ordered a piece of furniture for me. We have no mirror and I don't have a lot of storage space for my jewellery and GROUPON HAD A DEAL FOR A MIRROR ARMOIRE :O Its like it was FATE. So I ordered me this bad boy!



Now I am cuddled in bed with my boy and I have work tomorrow, but only have a 3 day week to work and today was great. Yay :) ♥
klena: (non je ne regrette rien)
It's been days again since updating. I didn't update yesterday because I spent most of the day....on my laptop lounging about in bed hungover. Reading fanfic. My current favourite hitter is The Avengers, unsurprisingly. And I'm easy on pairings, which is fun! With Inception, I wasn't adverse to reading random/rare pairings but Arthur/Eames was 90% of what I read (and most of those fics had background Dom/Mal which I also adored).

But The Avengers, everyone is so hot! Even Agent Coulson! (I am still in denial about THINGS). So I spend most of yesterday reading a lot about Clint/Coulson. There is a fuckton of good fic out there! Also, it seems a lot of really good BDSM fics! Life has been good to me this weekend! Except for, y'know, the hangover. REGARDLESS, any one got any good recs? I'm going to have to get some of the great ones I read this weekend rec'd out.

And today we were due to go use one of our Groupon vouchers having delicious Sunday dinner at a bar called Milo but you had to prebook so we're going next Sunday instead hopefully. Instead we cooked dinner ourselves, cleaned and did clothes washing. Adulthood eh?

Friday night was the cause of my hangover as we were out celebrating/commiserating the leaving of 3 of our admin staff! ;___; It was actually an ace night and I got hit on! It was nice! It was probably the bright red lips, dark eyes and my low-cut top. Boobs and red lips seem to do it for dudes!

Anyways it was an ace night - I had good times and even wore heels all night. I forgot to take a picture of my face but here's the same-ish make-up from a few weeks ago



One day, I will work out the trick to a) keeping my lipstick on all night (it fades so quickly) and b) the lipstick not bleeding a few hours into the night. Is it because the lipstick is cheap? Is my lip-liner too cheap? Am I just bad at application? WHO KNOWS.

Ugh. I have eaten really badly this week and haven't drunk as much water as I normally do. I want to be healthier dammit! I'm just really bad at forward planning with lunches and what I want to eat :( Instead just this evening I've had apple pie and custard, two Wispas and a cup of tea - bad times :(
klena: (always be alone if i'm lying to you)
Another night of "Rock and Pole" - more aches starting in my arms and bruises on my legs. Although it was a lot of fun flinging myself around. Except for the point where I accidentally dropped and carpet-burned both my knees. Oowie!

I was sneezing all day today in work and then as soon as I got on the bus home, my nose just blocked up. It all cleared up as I was walking the two miles to class but once I got home again, it's all blocked up again. I have spent the last hour just blowing my nose and feeling my head get more and more cotton-wooly. Boooooo

So with cotton-wool head and Colbert on my screen, I bid everyone a good night :)
klena: (patron saint of switchblade fights)
I didn't get to update yesterday because I was up at 7am to make chocolate buttercream for my Katie J's cake, rolled out to work and then got a taxi straight from work to the coach station with Dave to visit his friend Chris and his girlfriend Tori in Nottingham. So no access to computer that night. Gutting!

I'm knackered as I spent most of the day in the sun and now have a slightly sunburnt chest. So I feel the pull of sleep calling me. Have a picture of the cake I made!

klena: (the stars are falling from the sky)
Had one of those days where I've just felt kinda crappy all day. The jobs listed today were all for really technical jobs like engineers or paralegal/legal jobs which are completely WAY out of my field. Lovely housemate has emailed her recruitment firm for me to recommend me so I'm going to send them my email in the morning and then give them a call in the afternoon.

I just feel really disheartened and lonely and since I've come back from home, all I want to do is move back home. Which came completely out of left field really but the more I think about it...I think it's just because I'm always really concerned about my family and with both Mama and Papa D being diagnosed with high blood pressure and things, it just makes me really worry. And I want to be with my parents and get really annoyed at them for being tits and just get hugs from my mum when I want them and someone to play Rockband with.

I don't know whether I'm just having a delay in processing this year or I'm just in a slump but I rang my mum tonight and ended just having a bit of a weep on the phone to her. Which then I felt guilty for and apologised for because I didn't want to worry her. But all I really wanted was a hug from my mummy.

So I might just organise a few days home with the money my mum gave me for Christmas. I just. I don't want to feel this way. So I've been playing "Batman: Arkham Asylum" and I'm going back around the game and collecting all the Riddler things to try and stop thinking about iut. But. Well.

I'm sorry for whining. Have a picture of a cool as fuck cat.

klena: (all the way up to heaven)
So, the weather around the UK at the minute is absolutely shocking. You would honestly think it's the End of Days with the way the wind's howling and the rain's pouring. It's bollocks, quite frankly. And even more bollocks because our housemate discovered that the bay window in our living room, where our electronics and TV are, is leaking. From the roof. >:| We're giving the handyman of the house a call tomorrow as the weather is so bad and there's not much you can do with a leak whilst it's still raining.

Good times!

I spent a lot of today just going through jobsites and applying for jobs. It is more than a little soul-destroying as I know that I'm more than qualified for these jobs but I just don't have what the ads deem as "necessary experience." Bum. It's making me kinda antsy because I'm not doing any work with FancyDressQueen at the minute and the longer it takes me to get back into the workplace, the more I get all nervous and caught up about it. Guh >:|

In other news I gave myself a ~SECRET!RESOLUTION~ which isn't really that secret, but it was about reading every day before bed. Which I have been doing! I'm currently reading Simon Pegg's autobiography which I'm enjoying but hasn't captivated me as much as I hoped. But I'm only 80 pages into it so we'll see!

Have another picture to finish off this wet and windy Wednesday whilst I start watching "Battle Royale." Can you believe I've never seen this movie? Only little snippets here and there. FOR SHAME. I read the book whilst I was at home - got all 5/600 pages done in about 4 days which has sparked my desire for watching! :)

klena: (because we'll be together)
So my plan was to go into Leeds and just wander around, enjoying the Bank Holiday. And I didn't because I am lazy. So I have been sitting online for nearly 6 hours, alternating between 9Gag, downloading Opera (Firefox just will not allow me to stream video without freezing every 30 seconds) and looking at jobs. Yes, jobs. I am being all responsible, aren't we all proud!

I also signed up for a Dreamwidth account because it seems like a lot of friends are getting dual journals/abandoning LJ after the latest palava with the commenting changes so I am there as Klena. Let me know if you guys are over there.

Then I created my 2012 resolutions. Most of them are quite grown up - get a job by the end of this month, start paying off my student loan, look at pension schemes, visit home more often. But there are creative things there too. I have one for my soul as well. But I think the best one I've decided upon is:

You know that confident, ballsy, "Fuck 'em", good looking young woman that people keep telling you they see? You are that person. Try not to forget it.

On New Years Eve a friend from Anime Soc told me she had had a little bit to drink but wanted to admit to me that when she met me, she had a crush on me because I was confident and secure in myself and wasn't afraid to stand up for myself/things I believed in. I was so flattered! And I forget that a lot, that the person I am socially is also me. I like her a lot, she's fun. And powerful. And people around me like her so I am going to remember that I'm fucking smart and silly and powerful and confident.

Even if I don't, fuck it. Fake it 'til you make it.
klena: (before it all becomes the same old song)
So, as Death Cab for Cutie sang, it's the new year. 2012 is upon us which is great because a really good chunk of 2011 seriously sucked dick. There were a lot of questions about almost everything in my life, including my mental health and my coping abilities.

However, I made it through the year. I've got a lot of work to do this year. I need to spend more of it away from Dave. Not because I don't love him, I really do, but I'm always quite close to that "I could strangle you" boundary because I spend something like 80% of my week with him. Yes, really, we live together and work together and spend most of our nights together. Which sometimes is amazing. Othertimes, I just want to be living on my own in a house I've decorated by myself and doing exactly what I do or don't want to do with my evenings.

But that's relationships. Just before my birthday (and hey, yeah, I'm totally 25 now - first quarter of a century over me! I will accept all rounds of applause) I redrafted my CV and applied for a bunch of jobs. My aim is to have one before January is over, although I know how hard things are in this climate.

But I am getting ahead of myself! This is my first post of 2012 just to let everyone know that I made it out alive as apparently every Twitter crossposting service I used over the course of the year have just died. And none of my Tweets were shipping over so anyone who hasn't/doesn't follow me on Twitter probably thinks this is an abandoned journal. It's not, I promise! Also, our internet and phoneline went down the day after I got home so I was an entire 10 days without any of the internet. Oh the internet, it's strange how I both did and did not miss you!

I will recap Christmas and all that jazz tomorrow, I think, as I have photos and stuff to put up including just thoughts I want to get out but for now, I just want to say this:

I hope you had an amazing festive season, with loved ones or having adventures or having a quiet family affair. You all still mean so much to me, even though I am so absent, but you are all still always in my thoughts. I love you. Let's make this year glorious ♥
klena: (but when the sun shines again)
You know October, for being my favourite month, you sure have been a bit of a cow. It is nearly the end of the month and I feel a little lost as to where the time has gone.

I vanished because 2 weeks ago on Saturday, Dave's stepfather died. some medical information that might upset and the funeral )

So that was that. There was a wake afterwards at a nearby golfclub and I met a lot of Shirley's friends, Steve's family and various neighbours. Most of them knew me before I was introduced which was strange but everyone was lovely. We spent most of our time chatting with Dave's aunt, uncle, granddad, Jenny and Steve. We had a quiet dinner together that night, Dave, Shirley, Jenny, Steve and I.

The past few days have been filled with going out for walks with Walter, Shirley (and Steve's) black cocker spaniel, spending time with Shirley just talking and drinking lots of tea and seeing Dave's grandma. On top of that, we've been dealing with work as and when we've had some time at Shirley's. We've had aan issue with a Joker costume from our supplier and now the customer has cancelled the order. Customers demanding refunds for costumes they've returned STINKING of B.O. A US customer initating a chargeback for a Catwoman costume the day it arrives to her, stating it hasn't arrived. Ugh, I hate customers.

So pretty exhausting. We arrived back in Leeds last night and walked home. Climbed into bed and were asleep within 2 hours.

On top of all this, the Google Panda update a week ago seems to have completely fucked us up in website rankings. We were on the first page for most of our keywords and now we're 6 or 7 pages down. At the moment we're still doing okay because it's Halloween but after next week, it could seriously destroy the business. Dave's been pretty worried and really stressed unsurprisingly. The past two weeks have been a little tense - we've had two of the worst fights we've had since being together over the stupidest of things but considering the circumstances, it's not surprising. We're doing pretty good now with the funeral being done.

My plan now is to start searching for a job in case things do go tits up. We need at least one salary to survive on and two separate ones definitely isn't going to hurt. So updating my CV and applying for everything is on the list for this week. As Dave also pointed out, if I do get a job and I utterly hate it, there is still work for me to do with him. So that alleviates a lot of pressure.

Halloween's coming up and I'm completely unprepared. Unhappy face. However our local Co-Op is selling some huge pumpkins so I might treat myself to a pumpkin to carve and try baking or cooking with the innards. Anyone got any good pumpkin recipes?

I'm also trying to get my entries ready for the Joeyverse Cosplay Contest. The contumes are about 90% and 60% done respecitvely done. I just need to sort out time for Dave and I to shoot. Because he's my favourite and will only mock me a little for cosplay and tarting myself up.

Dave has now come in to bed so I am going to finish up and go to make myself a cup of hot chocolate before talking to mama Denvir and watching "Criminal Minds"
klena: (used to be the right one)
Something to remember, I think.

"Be patient and tough, some day this pain will be useful to you." -Ovid



Also, I have to rec this amazing fucking story. It's a "Doctor Who" AU where Rose gets turned into a vampire. Suspend your opinions until you read this. As Rosa said herself, "a story where Rose Tyler gets turned into a vampire should be funny. This one isn't." Please, please go read Epitaph by [livejournal.com profile] rosa_acicularis. You won't regret it.
klena: (;_; rorschach)
I know I should be trying to sleep, but my mind just keeps turning over and over and it makes the night so much worse. My hormones are everywhere too, just what I need.

I can't help thinking about the fact that this time, one year ago, my Granny was still alive but slipping.

And in a few hours, it'll be a year since she died. So my mind keeps going places, like the conversations I wish we had or the fact that she rang all of us in the immediate family up on our birthdays to sing "Happy Birthday" down the phone to us (and I cried last year on my birthday when I realised that would never happen again) and the way her voice sounded when she sang and the cackly laugh she had. But I can't remember her voice.

And now people live in her house, but I still remember getting a phonecall from my mother and being in Northern Ireland in 3 hours to sit beside a hospital bed and watch my Granny get smaller and smaller, even if it was only for two days.

Plus then I get panicked, I mean, fuck, if I'm this bad about my Granny - what about if something happens to my parents? Just the thought of Mum or Dad dying instantly makes me cry. What would I do without my parents?

Fuck. Fuck. Anniversaries are hard and the day hasn't even started yet.

I miss her so much.
klena: (but when the sun shines again)
Looking back, it's been just over a week since my last proper LJ entry so I should probably pour my heart out or something equally obnoxious to counter-balance the Twitter feed.

It's been another one of those weeks. My crazy has been up and down like a fucking rollercoaster this week. Still fighting bureaucracy and getting nowhere. It's hard to think of all the hard work and tears that we've been through might not have sort of been for nothing. If I wasn't so ridiculous at looking after myself, I'd treat myself to a massage because my shoulders are up around my ears. But I'm not.

We have officially started the house-hunt for July and I saw our first property with [livejournal.com profile] rogue_dreams and Waz yesterday. Fuck, it was such a beautiful house but the top floor just let us down :( However! We have many another property to view over this week and I've made little notes in my Moleskin (thank you again [livejournal.com profile] kalidor) about each one that we think we're going to view.

It's all really exciting now that we've got the process going and sort of solidifies a lot of different things.
A new place for Dave and I where we can live sort of equally together (not that we don't already, but when you move into their place, it always feels a little like....you're coming into their space?).
Making sensible living choices (I feel) - besides living in Sheaf house during final year and then in with Dave, I haven't really made many of those with the people I moved in with. First year doesn't count because there was no choice in those ladies I moved in with (and no regrets there at all :D)
Moving in with an actual adult, responsible couple. A bit adult and scary but fucking thrilling too.
The end of these past few months. By fuck, am I ready to put the first half of 2011 behind me - behind us. And yes, I realise there is 2 months of 2011's first half, but wow. Seriously, the last few months have been more than enough.

I know that I've been a fucking nut job the last few months. My moods have had more twists than a Curly Whirly. And there's been a lot of dark times, it's been the roughest prolonged period of my life. But ha ha ha, doesn't everyone know about it! If I was stronger person, I'd try and hold to that lyric from The Shipped (Gold) Standard - "you can only blame your problems on the world for so long before it all becomes the same old song."

Mama just called and we spent another hour on the phone talking about all and nothing, she is awesome and I love her. Apparently she's insisting my brother learn to drive and his response to this news was "At least I can't be any worse than Kathryn". !!! Cheeky little bastard!!

Right, I have to be up early in the morning for some town errands and the like so I totally need to crawl (further) into bed and sleeeeeeeep
klena: (all the way up to heaven)
Now, unless you were under a rock today, you may have heard today was the Royal Wedding. So we had a party at Han and Guy's today. I missed almost the entire ceremony because of picking up some food and stuff for the party but I dolled myself up and spent the day in marvellous company. It would have been lovely if Dave could have been there, but it wasn't meant to be apparently.

We had Prosecco and strawberries to toast the couple when they shared their first kiss as a married couple, which was a really nice tradition. So I got a little pissed and comfy and sleepy which we cured by watching "The Queen" and then having more tea and playing "Balderdash". [livejournal.com profile] rogue_dreams made a fucking glorious cake and we had strawberries and cream and summer foods and om nom nom tasty.

Friends of ours also got married today, [livejournal.com profile] mofette and her partner Richard, who won the Hobgoblin "Alternative Royal Wedding" competition. I look forward to seeing the photos of that.

Today made me feel a lot better, but I know it's a process of highs and lows. I just hope this all get resolved sooner rather than later. I feel so ready to start moving on with our lives. Even all the scary settled adult shit we've discussed, all that seems just...exciting rather than scary. Weird!

Here's a few photos taken from today under the cut

The Royal Union of Prince William and Catherine Middleton )
klena: (when both our cars collide)
So. As my roller-coastery tweets might communicate to people, the past two weeks have been swinging from cluster-fuck to resolution back into cluster-fuck. It's been getting a lot harder to cope the last few days, particularly with the business being quieter and our anniversary approaching and my mood dropping dramatically.

I'd been toying with making a seperate LJ filter for being in the know of The Situation, and adding some people that I trust, but I keep not doing it.
Number 1, because it'd just be filled with swearing and rage and lots of negativity
and
Number 2, because it's probably only of interest to me.
So that plan went out the window.

I keep feeling a little crazy!face though. Like I want to go and bleach all my hair and dye it some bright obnoxious colour like Clementine or to smash glass bottles against a wall or to scream lots. It's not nice.

Been wanting to pick up my sketchbook again too, and do fanart. Not anything of my own, don't feel creative enough again for that, but fanart for all the awesome "Inception" fics I've read, particularly [livejournal.com profile] foxxcub's non-fic fake!boyfriends and for [livejournal.com profile] whitehaiku's no-longer "Skeptics And Innocents" and for [livejournal.com profile] philosiraptors and [livejournal.com profile] mrsronweasley's "Becoming Joan" verse. However my sketchbook still sits on the architect desk.

Mother's Meeting this week went a little awry as [livejournal.com profile] rogue_dreams was unable to come as she was engaging in Epic Baking in preparation for Maelstrom and Emma was on her way to mine when she got called to the police station (she's a trainer lawyer and was on call tonight). So it was just me and Hannah, and I cooked. For those who know, I am not a confident cook and worry about fucking it up a lot. But tonight I cooked Lemon Chicken and Courgette Pasta and it was pretty fucking tasty. I am very happy with myself. Last week's Chicken and Potato pie wasn't too bad either :)

I feel absolutely fucking knackered but too wired to go to sleep yet. And there is nothing on TV. Awesome.

In conclusion

Tom Gunn - "The Reassurance"

About ten days or so
After we saw you dead
You came back in a dream
I'm alright now you said.

And it was you, although
you were fleshed out again:
You hugged us all round then,
And gave your welcoming beam.

How like you to be kind,
Seeking to reassure.
And, yes, how like my mind
To make itself secure.

And in complete contrast

klena: (Default)
So since falling asleep last night, I seem to have gotten ill again. I woke up with a fucking killer headache, my nose hasn't stopped running all day, sneezing tons and I think I have a fever. Great body, I really appreciate this. I was just getting better.

Not that it matters, the reason I was excited for tomorrow is no longer happening. Or delayed. The waiting and the not knowing is the hardest part.

I can't wait to spend time with the girls tomorrow and get cuddles. I need them lots.

Antilamentation

Regret nothing. Not the cruel novels you read
to the end just to find out who killed the cook.

Not the insipid movies that made you cry in the dark,
in spite of your intelligence, your sophistication.

Not the lover you left quivering in a hotel parking lot,
the one you beat to the punchline, the door, or the one
who left you in your red dress and shoes, the one
that crimped your toes, don't regret those.

Not the nights you called god names and cursed
your mother, sunk like a dog in the livingroom couch,
chewing your nails and crushed by loneliness.

You were meant to inhale those smokey nights
over a bottle of flat beer, to sweep stuck onion rings
across the dirty restaurant floor, to wear the frayed
coat with the loose buttons, its pocket full of struck matches.

You've walked those streets a thousand times and still
you end up here. Regret none of it, not one
of the wasted days you wanted to know nothing
when the lgihts from the carnival rides
were the only stars you believed in, loving them
for their uselessness, not wanting to be saved.

You've travelled this far on the back of every mistake,
ridden in dark-eyed and morose but calm as a house
after the tv set has been pitched out the upstairs
window. Harmless as a broken axe. Emptied
of expectations. Relax.

Don't bother remembering any of it.

Lets stop here, under the lit sign
of the corner, and watch all the people walk by.

-- Dorianne Laux
klena: (used to be the right one)
I went to bed early tonight. The first time in maybe 3 weeks I have been in bed before 2am, (10.30pm actually) only to be woken up at 1am by take-away arriving for my housemate because they rang my doorbell. It is now 3:54 and I still can't get back to sleep. I am furious, and angry, and now everything else about our other two housemates that really fucks me off is buzzing around my head. I'm really resentful, and pissed off and it's probably the lack of sleep and the stress of the last week building.

I just feel like a bitch, all prickly edges and short temper. It's probably because something huge is due to happen on Wednesday but it's not a certain thing yet. And til yesterday I was okay, just going to let things happen because that's the way the world works. But now I feel all crazy and nervous and I want it really badly.

So I'm sitting in bed now, head spinning with the thought of it and dying to smoke. I don't smoke normally, only in the times of real stress, but now feels like one of those times.

I also really want to rehaul icons again, except I lost fucktons of the ones I really liked in the Grand Robbery of 2010. An Inception one is definitely needed though.

National poetry month has begun. Have a gorgeous one by Richard Siken, I love his stuff so much, especially since [livejournal.com profile] musesfool posted some of his stuff about 2 years back. First stanza before the rest being placed under a cut.

A Primer for the Small Weird Loves

1.
The blond boy in the red trunks is holding your head underwater
because he is trying to kill you,
and you deserve it, you do, and you know this,
and you are ready to die in this swimming pool
because you wanted to touch his hands and lips and this means
your life is over anyway.
You're in the eighth grade. You know these things.
You know how to ride a dirt bike, and you know how to do
long division,
and you know that a boy who likes boys is a dead boy, unless
he keeps his mouth shut, which is what you
didn't do,
because you are weak and hollow and it doesn't matter anymore.

continued below the cut )

I really want "Inception" fic based on this poem. My heart

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